Too many 'good times'

I look at these photos and they really make me think about how it all went wrong so easily? On the first photo I was a drug virgin, had never touched anything and certainly never planned to!

The second photo was taken about 8months later and we were both off our head on pills, but I think the second photo sums it all up for me? I'm out of my mind & theres my mate, looking haggard and drawn (which I didn't see until a few days ago) and theres me, almost looking up to him and idolising him.
I always thought that I only ever had good times when we were together and he could do no wrong? I think it shows here? I don't for one second blame him for my situation, I can't stress that enough! I'm putting no responsibility on him, what I am saying is that I think that for whatever reason I was pretty vulnerable at the time (as was he) and I was looking for someone to create some happiness and escape in my life, (as was he) and that's what I got but not in the way I wanted?
He opened some doors that I had never come across, my problem is I should have listened when he tried to shut them for me, but I didn't I kept pushing and pushing and eventually I made my own way through. I was warned so many times and had I took notice I would have been sat telling a very different story right now??
Predicting that I was venturing too far down a very dangerous path he closed me off, shut me out from all the bad things that were around me and told other people to do the same, but being devious and determined I found a way round all of his decoys and sought my own path to destruction.
I can pin point the very weekend that my desire/want turned to 'need' and became my addiction. It was when this photo was taken that my spiral of decline began...

I had the chance to rough it out and stay away but it was too easy to be drawn in and in some warped way I felt like I needed the negative experience of addiction?
I almost wanted to learn a life-lesson in order to progress, develop and move on with myself and my life, but I hadn't bargained on exactly how hard it would be and the catastrophic knock-on effects of reality? I guess I had romanticised the notion and was extremely naive of the consequences?
But as always I learned the hard way.... not always the best way?
I do believe that everything happens for a reason though and I'm going to make sure that this is the turning point of my life in many more ways than one?

x x

Summer 2006

This was me in the summer of 2006 getting ready for a girls night out

At this point I was still dabbling and could take it or leave it? It was about two months after this that i first realised I could have serious problems with addiction.

At this point I was still naive and believed I could fully control it? I probably could if I had never touched the stuff again?

Trust progress and results

I went to see the Doctor today and she was really pleased with my progress. My sample was negative (as expected) and as a result she gave me a months worth of prescription, and i don't have to be supervised anymore, I get to go and collect my meds twice a week now.

I had a long chat with my drug worker, I talked to him about the issues I'm struggling with and how I could deal with them? What changes I need to make and triggers I need to be aware of?
He says I'm doing all the right things, people usually take a few weeks longer to pick these things up but I've taken control from the start.... Well that's what I'm in this for... change.

I got a lot from today's session, its better talking to people who really know what they are talking about because not only can they recognise where I'm coming from, but they can also explain things to me in a way that i can relate to?

I've learnt today that I may be doing all that I can, and I may know where I want to be, but I can't do all the work myself. Other people have to work through this with me and they will take their own time to do so, but all i can do in the mean time is keep on keeping on. After all I'm doing this for me, so it doesn't matter how long it takes for other people to move on?
I can understand why people would be reluctant to trust someone in my position,but i think you should assess each person individually and focus on each positive aspect as a step forward.

I'm staying on my 6mg for now, I didn't feel ready to drop down just yet, if i did I know i would be setting myself up for a fall. I need my mind to be completely ready before i try and decrease otherwise I will fall to temptation I know it.

If i picture my old way of like as a dark fog and my new life, where I want to be as a bright light fog, I know i am still standing in the midst of patchy fog. Sometimes i have a step into a clear patch and sometimes I have a foot in the murky bit? I don't know why I feel so negative about things at the moment?

I think that I built myself up for so long, waiting for the 15th of October, so I could start the tablets, then I did it, i went through hell to get all the badness out my body, then the tablets started to kick in, and suddenly I felt unusually well which was pleasantly novel?
But now I think the enormity of what Ive took on has started to hit me? Its not just a week or two that's going to be disrupted, its a week or two that takes the brunt of what I'm doing but this is something that is going to be a massive influence on my life for the for-see able future yet, and i just want it behind me?

I certainly feel a whole lot better since i spoke with my drug worker? He seems to have cleared the smudges that were blurring my window? I feel like a ball of emotions and energy and i just don't know what i want to do with myself? When i do find something to focus on i know i will give it 100% and some and it will be great, but for now i don't know what it is?

I'm frustrated because i know how i want things to be but they aren't happening fast enough, but if they did happen just like that it wouldn't work out in the long run?
I need something to distract me, I keep saying it but i know that's the answer! Ive got so much inside to give to something, mentally, emotionally, physically, i can feel it all charging round, that's whats bringing me down. no outlet for all this inner zellop (that's my word for what it is i don't know?!)

My relationship with 'miss Heroin' is over, but just like when you finish with a partner you have to adapt your whole lifestyle. Now I've suddenly got so much space in my life (almost a void) that I wasn't prepared for. That's whats making it hard for me to cope right now? I know i will get through it, its just the initial adapting period? I wonder if this will ever be truly over or if there will always be a tiny part of me trapped in this?

Real

Today has been really hard for some reason? I went out last night with Katie and had an eventful night to say the least?! Definitely had a good time, but Katie made us go home early :-( boring boring!! We had a scare when we saw a bloke we knew from a few years back. The moron indecently assaulted me, then later started a riot in the pub we were running-smashing the place to pieces, breaking every phone in sight so we couldn't call for help. I hit him a couple of times and he gave me a fair beating? The police came in full riot gear, on mass to help us. It was probably the most terrifying night of my life.

Katie had spotted him-stood about six feet away from us-and pointed him out to me, it was then that he looked straight at us and gave us the most evil glare/smile. We legged it to the toilets and freaked out. Just the sight of him made me burst into tears. We know from past experience that he has been out specifically to look for us (and do what I don't know?) and now he has found us. Great.
After all that drama the night ended quietly after I nearly broke me neck rolling down a hill on an abandoned shopping trolley!

I had no drugs to go home to so I simply passed out on the sofa listening to the Libertines album and somehow woke up in bed, undressed but with pretty much perfect hair and makeup at 10am (or 9am depending if you knew the clocks had changed?)

However, from the second I woke up I knew I was going to struggle today? The first thing that ran through my mind was wanting a toot? I decided to watch some American animal rescue program to change my frame of mind but it really depressed me? I lay in bed for more than an hour wrestling my mind with my conscience. It seemed that every second that passed I just felt worse and worse?

Is this what I'm going to have to go through every time? Battling with myself? Because if so I know I will at some point cave in? Nothing held any interest for me this morning, my house was a mess, but I didn't tidy or clean it, I stank of pubs/clubs but didn't jump in the bath first thing, I just threw some comfy clothes on (combats, vest top and Ugg boots) and as soon as I was able I went straight round to Rachael's house. Anything to escape my own four walls as they drive me insane at times?

I vegged round her house reading crappy women's mags, until Katie asked if I wanted to go out for breakfast? Keen to have something to occupy my mind I went round home. Katie bless her had already began tidying up for me and as she had just been in the bath and was looking 'fresh' as always I decided it was what I also needed to do. So I quickly pulled myself together, had a bath put some nice clean clothes on and we headed out for breakfast.

By this time it was actually lunch time and we only had dinner at Tesco's but it was nice all the same. I like being round people who have no connection to drugs. I watch people walking down the road, or round the shops, where-ever, just going about their everyday life and I think how lucky they are and how much I would like to be one of them? But I can't at the moment? Theres something holding me back? I don't know what it is but its always been there in my life for as long as i can remember? Something that's missing from my life? The part that makes a person happy?

Because I feel like I'm drowning in a black cloud today I didn't trust myself to be on my own. So when Kay invited me to be with her for the afternoon (even though the afternoons events were somewhat not my regular kind of thing!) I was relieved to have the chance to do something knowing full well I was 100% safe from temptation!

I found that its probably not wise to drink like a fish and then not have your tablets properly either? I certainly felt rough, I only had 2mg this morning and by 5pm I was beginning to rattle
so I had to curl up in a chair a sleep it off. Not the ideal situation when your in a room full of 'normal' people who are all at the afternoons gathering for their own purpose and probably wondered why I was sleeping? (Those who don't know what it was-it were a bit like a party of sorts?!)

I had another 3mg in my purse so I had that and felt a little bit better, though I found it hard to 'socialize' with people today? I think partly because I didn't feel so fantastic but more so because of my frame of mind? I feel so low and unenthusiastic with life in general, I could almost say I feel like I'm being dragged through life by a dark (I won't say dark cloud-everybody uses that term, I'm going to have a headless horse I think?) by a dark headless horse? With no legs? No I cant have that either? A dark headless horse in a cocoon of fog? maybe I'm wallowing in self pity or something? At one point I had some bloke (Si) trying to convince me I might like to wear spandex/latex tights? I felt like saying "shove your latex down your throat, I'm here to make sure I get wasted on smack, not to convert to fucking spandex you spanner!But I didn't?

I feel really shallow for feeling crap today, especially when I've been in the company of someone who is going through such a tragic and hard time that is out of his control and is only going to get worse for him? I think how can I moan at myself? I put myself in this position, I made this my life. People don't ask to get ill and die, but it happens and it happens to everyone around them too? Then theres idiots like me who just go out and fuck up because they want to or because they are too selfish or self-absorbed to do otherwise?

My life is nowhere near where I would have chosen for it to be, but its out of my hands to a certain degree? If I had had it my way I would have been settled with at least one more child by now? I'd be working in a job that made me happy, or I'd even have my own business of sorts? And I may not be married but I'd be not single?
But I can't make those things happen? I can't make myself not single? There's no-one out there suitable, so I'm then out in a completely different field from my goal posts?

I don't know whats wrong with me today but I've been thinking lots and I've drawn the same conclusion I've always known for years. I'm not happy with my life. I pretty much hate almost every aspect of it? I resent myself for how things are, and I don't know how to change them? How do you change being a single working mum, working for peanuts, going nowhere in life. Getting passed by and stood on in the process? Its shit. That's why I want to do something to carve my own future out. I need to find something fulfilling and rewarding that will make me happy? I need to find a career out of what I've got in me as a person already? If that makes sense? I've got to break the mould and change thing or I probably will end up back on the wrong track?

If I didn't know myself better I'd say I were depressed because things feel like they are smothering me, I wonder if I can cope? If I want to cope? Whats the point? Its all a bit much sometimes? But instead of thinking of it as depression I think of it as a reality channel, as a learning curve, as a realization and rationalizing project? Understanding things from an alternative perspective?

Its hard to explain, I feel like I'm on the edge of a windy cliff, with a safety harness on but its not fastened up right? I'm so close to being blown off & either crash-kill myself completely, or fall so hard and fast that I might survive but I'll be fucked forever so whats the point? But at the same time I'm so close to figuring everything out and things will fall into place and it might be a bit bumpy but once I'm clipped in I'm sorted. I'll get to where I want to be because that's the only way to go?

I think a psychiatrist may think I'm screwed in the head?
Maybe I am?
We all are one way or another, I just verbalise my mind-fuck!

I've had enough for today. I don't feel good at all so I'm going to go do things that need to be done then at least I've gained something productive from my day? Rather than moping it away?

I thought the physical pain of the withdrawal was difficult to cope with but its nothing compared to the mental torture your mind races through continuously. There's no rest from it and it wears you down and out so fast.
I'm done
x x x

Inspired results....

Just a tiny note to say WELL DONE to Kay/Kat (whoever you want to be called!) & Lu, for stopping smoking.
Apparently me near death experience (OK so that's a little exaggeration?! but i felt like i was dying i swear!) has inspired them both to stop smoking!!
I do feel a bit guilty for denying you one of your few pleasures in life but I've always been a huge anti-smoker so I'm pleased you aren't doing it anymore? It must be right that more people die from smoking related diseases than smack related? So keep it up and avoid the buses!! (Don't suffer giving up anything and then get hit by a bus, that's harsh harsh bad luck!)

Behind the meanings?

I'm trying to pass time "cleanly' as I prepare for tonight? I'm going out round town with my sister and I'm beginning to wonder how and if I will cope and survive the night clean? I'll be amazed if I do because old habits die hard and like anybody else I really don't care about anything when Ive had a good drink?!!

So now my mind is over-active running round in circles having schitzo arguments with myself and my conscience? It would be easier if I did want it in a way? But I don't physically want it, I have zero urge to have it, so why do I possibly think I might? Why aren't my mind and my body in sync?!

Then what confuses me even more is... I don't really fancy a drink either... but I'll be doing that (by the bucket load!) so I'm confusing myself with my mind/body connection? I'll be doing something I'm not too bothered about doing but then I'll have to try so hard not to do something I think I might want to do even though I don't feel I want to???? ?? ? ? ? ????

On another note I've had all my hair cut off today. Ive gone for a POB (Beckham bob) Only I've had it bit longer and I've not gone lighter as planned I've gone darker (black/blue) So really I've had more of a Rhiannon cut? (can i name it a ROB?!) I have not been to the hairdressers for years&years, the last time i went i was pregnant, and he's now eight so it were a while back!!

It were kind of nice to do something "normal" but I can't imagine being one of those people who go every six weeks or so?! I'm having my eyelashes tinted soon and my nails done... that I could probably get into? In my quest to be "normal" I could end up turning myself into a bimbo!!

I done a really good deed today... whilst at work an oldish couple came into the shop asking for directions. I tried explaining to them that they were about a mile or so away&then realised they were walking... So as I was just about to shut up shop I offered to take them to their destination (which was out my way!) They were extremely grateful & in return I prayed to the Gods above that the hairdresser would not find nits in my hair?! Did it work? I don't know but she never mentioned it to me so I'm happy! Ha!

I'm going to go bit serious now..... For ages and ages someone has been telling me about a poem I must read.....It was wrote by a man in prison who chose to remain anonymous? Why I don't know because its amazing and it really puts into perspective the ease in which something can take a hold of a person-how someone can fall so hard and fast without even noticing?
Here it is:


Take Me in Your Arms
(Miss Heroin)

So now, little man, you've grown tired of grass
LSD, goofballs, cocaine and hash,
and someone, pretending to be a true friend,
said, "I'll introduce you to Miss Heroin."
Well honey, before you start fooling with me,
just let me inform you of how it will be.

For I will seduce you and make you my slave,
I've sent men much stronger than you to their graves.
You think you could never become a disgrace,
and end up addicted to Poppy seed waste.

So you'll start inhaling me one afternoon,
you'll take me into your arms very soon.
And once I've entered deep down in your veins,
The craving will nearly drive you insane.

You'll swindle your mother and just for a buck.
You'll turn into something vile and corrupt.
You'll mug and you'll steal for my narcotic charm,
and feel contentment when I'm in your arms.

The day, when you realize the monster you've grown,
you'll solemnly swear to leave me alone.
If you think you've got that mystical knack,
then sweetie, just try getting me off your back.

The vomit, the cramps, your gut tied in knots.
The jangling nerves screaming for one more shot.
The hot chills and cold sweats, withdrawal pains,
can only be saved by my little white grains.

There's no other way, and there's no need to look,
for deep down inside you know you are hooked.
You'll desperately run to the pushers and then,
you'll welcome me back to your arms once again.

And you will return just as I foretold!
I know that you'll give me your body and soul.
You'll give up your morals, your conscience, your heart.
And you will be mine until, "Death Do Us Part"
-Anonymous

For anyone who has been on the wrong side of this addiction I think they will be able to relate so well to this? As well as starving your children, yourself and your pets, borrowing money and gaining huge debts, looking in the mirror you no longer see, the happy healthy person that used to be? (hey I could add my own verse in here!-I'll work on it for another day!)

As anyone will know from my story its not quite been like that for me. Ive never injected and Ive never really done any other drugs? I have done some, but only recreationally, never as a problem and never things like LSD or acid or speed or things like that? I wouldn't even know what those things look like?!! Or what to do with them?!! Which I think is pretty good for a baghead! HA!

There is song which I listen to quite often which I realised this morning has a scary double meaning? Read this (from my point of view) and think of the "you" as being my son....

I've been down so low people look at me and they know,
they can tell something is wrong
like I don't belong,
well, staring through a window standing outside they're just too happy to care
and I wanna be like them but I'll mess it up again,
I tripped them out when God kicked outside everybody's soul.

Chorus:
And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I cant feel it right now,
I thought I was doing well but I just want to cry now,
Well I know that its a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
but I can only see when you're here, here with me.

Sometimes I feel so full that it just comes spilling out,
it's uncomfortable to see I give it away so easily,
but if I had someone I would do anything and never never never never let you feel alone
I wont, I wont leave u on your own,
who am I to dream, dreams are for fools, they always let you down.

Chorus:
And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I cant feel it right now,
I thought I was doing well but I just want to cry now,
Well I know that its a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
but I can only see when you're here, here with me.

Now sometimes I listen to this and I think of 'you' as being my Connor and its a lovely song, its uplifting and inspiring and it makes me appreciate how lucky I am to have a child like mine because as anyone who knows us will tell you hes unique, so clever for his age and so understanding, caring, considerate and sensitive to peoples needs, especially mine. It makes me think that I can turn myself around and do something good for us both? But now read it again and think of "you" as being heroin...

It's scarily right? Its how that stuff makes you feel? Like a comfort blanket protecting you from the world. Like you and your whole life is a mess and everyone else is passing you by. You want to be normal but its holding you back? You can't be normal without it? When you have it it makes you think everything is alright? Nothing matters when your high, you can cope with anything, you put yourself on a pedestal and no-one can touch you. All your problems have gone, or can wait while tomorrow? And tomorrow you will get clean because you can do it...just not today? The world is a wonderful place, but you can only see it when your within the power of that?

So now I'm judging my progress on the value of a ten pound note and James Morrison's lyrics? If I had to do marks out of ten and 0 was bad and 10 was happy, I'll never be a ten (well i might be in spits and spats but not as a regular thing... I'm too realistic!) So I think I'm wise to aim for an 8....? I'll never be a zero again? Zero to me is being happy to be a junkie because I'm pist at life for being so shit? Now I can accept that its pretty shit for most people in a similar kind of way but at the same time I should be grateful for being alive in the first place, being able to wake in a morning and have the things i have got in my life?

I would say a 2 was low for me? I wouldn't like to be at 2 for any length of time? So on my scale of 1-10 I'm working between 2-8? That don't give me much scope? I'll change my scale to -2 - 12 I think? If that's the case then i think i would place myself at.... 3 (for optimism of tonight's events-predicting failure and also because I'm not going to cheat and lie about it-I will admit I've screwed up) But over-all I think I would mark my progress at a 6?

I have got an end target in mind and I'm slowly working my way towards it but it will take time because I've involved so many other people, they need to progress and travel this journey with me? (As pointed out to me by someones comment which I'm very grateful for because I was being a little selfish and not thinking of it from their point of view?)

So I will part for today and prepare myself for tonight? All I can say is that I really don't want to let myself down but I can't promise I won't? However I can say that if I did intend to do it, I would in fact go and score now, before I even went out so that I would know that I had something to go home to? Which is what I would have done before without even thinking about it? So at least I can see I must have made some progress as I have managed to change my pattern of behavior? That's a good note to end on i reckon?!

x x x x

Testing times....

Another weekend is upon me...... AAAHHHHHH!!

I hate the weekends, I find them harder than normal!! Tonight I'm going to stay with Katie, get drunk and watch the rocky horror picture show?!! And in the morning I'm at work, I'm having my hair cut tomorrow and then I'm going out with Katie, round town.... Yeah!!!!

However I don't know how I'm going to cope drinking without tooting? I'm not looking forward to it, its going to be hard, i can feel the pressure already?

But i gotta face it one day so.....

I've had quite a mentally hard day today? Its hard when you openly put yourself through something like this and then realise that despite all your hard work people still don't trust you? I can understand why, but I find it frustrating to deal with?

As i said to someone (lets call him Bob?) as i said to Bob... Why would I suffer everything i did last week and then go back to smoking shit so carelessly? Basically what happened was: I had just had a tablet, i heard the door go so i went to see who it were, then i saw my tablets on the side so i quickly shoved them in my bag, but then i saw the bag they came in so i grabbed that and shoved it in my bag too, but whilst doing this Bob walked in and jumped to conclusions.

Whats in the bag? he asked- "my tablets, i were just putting them away" I told him..... "show me?" he demanded... so i showed him. Usually that would be enough? But no.. "empty your bag" by this point i were not too happy!! I told him to just look through it if he were that interested? But no, so then we got in a full circle argument whereby no1 can win because theres no answer? I told him that the only way he would be happy is if i emptied my bag and there was foil&heroin there? But there wasn't so how can i show nothing? I refused to empty my bag on the grounds of -I cant show you nothing? if you think theres something there you find it?- But he wouldn't look? so what do you do?

I was so annoyed, because I suffered hell last week, Ive since changed my life style, i don't associate with any one any more, i have no numbers in my phone, i don't ring, see, speak, meet or text anyone like that anymore, Ive been going into town twice a day everyday to have my tablets under supervision..... So what more can i do?! I don't understand?! If I were hanging around with those sorts, if my phone was constantly going, if i were nipping out unexplainedly I could accept it? But I'm not?!

So I had quite a long hard think today? I wonder if I'm doing it right by being so open and honest and admitting my faults and how hard it is? Maybe i should have carried on doing it in secret? Like I did for so long? But would I have done it? Probably not? Then it makes me think, am I always going to have this hanging over my head? Am i ever going to be able to get through it and more importantly put it behind me and leave it in the past? At the minute I think not?

How do you manage to make it a thing of the past when other people are forever holding it in your face?

This is SSSSOOOOOOOOOO HARDDDDD!!!

I'm done for today-I'm not in the mood....

x x x x

(God Bless my Nan Lees -died 8 years ago this week aged 94 and Nan Fletcher died 3 years ago this week aged 99 x x x)

Another day clean

It almost 1pm and i haven't had any medication yet? I'm going into town in an hour or so to pick it up. I feel fine which makes me wonder do I need it? I wonder what it would be like to not have it? would I be ill?
I texted my drug worker yesterday and told him about me dropping my dose. He told me to be careful and not to rush things? I said that I just want to be clean throughout? But if i have to be on tablets for 6months then I want to be on the lowest dose possible? Its no good saying "well done for not smoking class A's anymore, but here have some medication so your body is still dependent on something?" That doesn't make sense to me?

The other part of it which I daren't mention to them at the clinic, is people maybe on 16mg for months and months but that doesn't mean they are taking 16mg a day? I could have stayed on 8 or upped to 16, but really have only taken 6, used on top and sold the extra medication i would be storing? That's how the majority of other people do it?

But as I have said from the start I'm not here, going through this, to just lie and cheat the tests? I want this chapter of my life to be a closed part of the book? We were arguing last night because basically Craig doesn't have much faith in me to get through this? He says I'm currently doing a very good job and even he can't deny that, but can I keep it up? He says that when he spoke to my drug worker, even he told him that the success rate is very minimal? Even on Subutex people end up going back to it?

I'm sure they do - God knows he makes me want to do it sometimes?! But as I pointed out to him, I've changed my friends, i don't see, speak to, text or hang around with anyone in that circle anymore? I have one number that's a strong connection, but i don't use it? Its simply in my phone so that should that person choose to contact me i will at least know its them and have the choice to ignore it?

He knows more than anyone just how much I've changed things and hes still doubtful? I did say that whatever I do I don't think it will be good enough for him? He will always be waiting for me to fail? I told him if hes that sure im going to fail at this then why not just fuck off now? His reply-because nobody wants me to do this more than him? So wheres the sense in all that for me?!

Hes defiantly a better help to me now I'm through the physical worst of it, but its a good job I'm mentally strong enough to stand my ground and argue my point with him? The way he goes on hes enough to pull anybody down at times! Its hard to keep it together when you got someone constantly poking negativity at you? The way he sees it is I should use it as an incentive to prove him wrong? (moronic logic!)

I've got to go have my tablets now, If nothing else I'm sooooo tired! I'm back at work tomorrow, so I gotta get me an early night tonight and get some sleep sorted?

Another step forward

So today I've started my 6mg rather than 8. How do I feel? quite tired! yeah! I didn't sleep well again last night, I lay awake counting the stars for hours last night listening to Craig sleeping like a baby & with every breath he took I felt like sticking my fingers up his nose just to disrupt his peaceful sleep!! (jealousy is a funny thing!)

At least im not thrashing around the bed sweating toxic fumes, freezing cold, rolling my eyes, muttering incoherent jumble and completely delirious with pain....?! How grateful am i that week has passed! ~It was so slow and painful, but it was certainly worth it!

Ive now set myself a kinda personal mission to change certain aspects of my life. I need to make sure my life, my friends, my hobbies, my interests and my time all revolve in different circles away from temptations.....

I decided that today was the day to get in touch with old friends, my friends from school days who have always been there for me through everything (except this as i purposely kept them as far from this side of me as possible?) I texted them both today and we are going to meet up next week which im really looking forward to.

I am a little bit scared and part of me feels its a bit too early, because i really feel like i messed up and let them down in a way? I know i am moving in the right direction with everything but Im not out of the woods just yet. A tiny part of me is worried because I don't want to face them while all this is still hanging over my head, but I know that's just me and my thinking, neither of them would ever make me feel bad, in fact seeing both of them will do me good I know it will. They will give me something to aspire to, because if i could be the slightest bit like either one of them I be proud.

I was speaking to someone today who used to dabble with the gear a bit and he saw himself heading in the wrong direction and took control of his life and made changes to stay away. He did it, he sorted himself out and has done real well for himself, but he was saying that even now ~its out of his life~ he still gets tempted by it? He told me to note the warning signs and make a conscious effort to stay away.....

Its so easy to slip, or think you have got it under control, when really its the heroin that is dominating you. Its hard to get clean but its a hundred and some times harder to stay clean? He said to me - You find yourself thinking "oh its ***enter your own lame excuse here*** tonight, i'l have a bag to celebrate?"
I can completely understand that, thats exactly how it comes across my mind, or even worse, the one that torments me at the moment is "should i have a bag? I know i shouldn't but then I could see if my tablets are working?!" Which is crazy because the whole point of my tablets are that should i try and use i will have zero or very little effect from it so therefore its pointless!?!

At the moment I enjoy having a choice. Only a matter of 8days ago i couldn't choose whether or not i wanted it, I had to have regardless of what i may have actually wanted?!

I have to be quick now because its time for me to go home now but...
I judge how independent from the drug i am by the value of a ten pound note...
In the depths of addiction ten pounds to me meant i was not ill for that day/half day whatever...
now ten pounds means to me... a power ranger & a selection box, or a dvd, or a power ranger mystic morpher, or a power ranger helmet....
whatever it maybe doesn't really matter, the important thing is that my needs are now secondary to my sons wishes, which is exactly as it should be!

But I will know that I'm clearing the danger zone when I begin thinking completely differently, because at the moment I still think that should i need to i could still find ten pounds for a bag? Fortunately i don't need to but some time soon i will hopefully be thinking that no matter how much money i may have i will never be able to spare ten pounds for that because there is no need or desire for it?

When i write tomorrow I'm going to tell you about my theory of my mind&medication relationship? My drug worker thinks its an interesting approach but i cant see any other way around it?!

That's all for tonight, til tomorrow

x x x x

just a little one...

just read the comments and wanted to say....

I'm not saying giving up the gear is easy!! i only said this one weekend has been surprisingly easy?!
And that's because i was mentally prepared for it and Ive had the support! Next weekend when ive been out and had a drink and got hangover from hell i could well be saying that i fucked up? who knows? its one day at a time and the up's and down's that go with it, that's what all this is about?! I still find that sub-consciously it is still going round and round in my head but Ive got to learn not to listen to it?!

It has been my family that have pulled me through this, i would have done it anyway because that's me, but i have had it made a hell of a lot easier because of the support! i appreciate i am lucky! But as with life itself I'm sure I'll get something bad thrown at me at some point through out this.....like when my dad finds out and dis-owns me.......? (that's my one true worry in life?!)

All i could say to anyone who's ever planning on going through this or has a family member who is/was like me... is this:

Read this what i write, Read the comments from Kat&if you know her talk to her about this experience, and look at the comment some-one has left me about her son (the crack/acid addict-clean for 7years) that comment from "a mum" said it all for me... people make mistakes, those who are serious about getting clean will do it, but if theres one thing that i have learnt from all this, its that the love and support of your family will get you through anything in life.

Addicts get to a point where sometimes family and friends do need to turn there back to make them realise the extent of their problem (Craig did it to me) but when they make the steps to change, thats the time to be behind them.
No-body likes to be a disappointment or a failure, regardless, having support is like a lifeline, its a goal to aim for, its an achievement that's possible to achieve and also, most importantly its a life away from the mess your in?

You can't expect an addict to get clean when their only friends in the world are other addicts. No matter how bad they want to be clean if that's all that's around them they will fail. Heroin is so powerful, so controlling and so seductive if you haven't been there you can't really understand the sheer power of it. Its evil in a powder. Even the strongest people succumb to it and get pulled under?

You need to be there for them through the tough time, and the rewards will be so much greater, and chance of relapse is minimal? (its mental & physical hell to withdraw-could a smoker cope if someone else just decided enough was enough and took away their fags? NO! they would go crazy!! that's why it has to be the user that has to be ready!)
No-body aims to become an addict but shit happens. Once upon a time every addict was a newborn baby who everybody loved and was proud to show off, its that nurturing that unconditional loved that could get anybody through the dark times.....don't give up on them completely unless your so so so so sure its the right thing for you to do?

That was deep.......?!

x x x

PROGRESS!!!

So I have been to the docs and she has dropped me down to 6mg!!!
First off she asked me if i was happy on 8, to which i said no, i want to decrease, I think she was quite surprised as many people usually increase to 16?
But i agreed to decease to 6 and then stick it out at 6 for a while. She said til after Xmas, i said bonfire night?!

I hope i don't shoot myself in the foot trying to run before i can walk? (maybe i should put the gun down before i move anywhere?!)

So Ive have had my 8 today and tomorrow in down to 6! Hopefully il be able to sleep a little now because these tablets are amazing for giving you loads of energy-so much so that iv forgotten what it feels like to be tired?! (naturally tired?!)

while Im here im going to have a moan at a couple of other things.... I need some Karma luck.... some evil female has upset me (even Kay/Kat will back me up on that!) and she needs some bad Karma back for her actions..... If Karma don't come soon I'll create my own!! (im refraining from doing so just yet in protection of my own Karma....?!)

The other thing is, i think i need something to keep me calm and keep my goodness focused?! If i had the things i need i would get creative and make myself a pendant or something, to absorb my negative energy, because idiot nasty people are winding me up and messing with my aura?! (im sure they not but its better than messing with my mind?! Ha!)

If you could erase people from your life would you do it? That's what im wondering? Especially when i have to think-that in ten years time i won't really have anything to do with them any more? But if you erased them it would mean no contact ever again? would a lifetime of curiosity be worse than continuous irritations?! Curiosity killed the cat but irritation probably killed a whole bunch of other people?! (women's mags are full of stories!)

What would be nice would be to just have a little peek, maybe like into 12months from now, then i could see what i were meant to be doing with my life, and then i would know who is worth my time now and who's not?! Apparently I'm meant to be having a daughter when I'm 27... so iv always been told? I cant see that happening somehow?! i wont have to wait long to find out, its my birthday at Xmas!

The weird thing is that ever since i was little i always wanted to be 27....When i was young i used to think that being 27 was the best thing ever&it was going to be the best year ever and it would be like the start of my proper life? like being a grown up, well as you do think when you are 7year old?! but also for a while i thought i was going to die when i was 27..? Maybe i was? maybe that was indeed my destiny if i had not changed my ways? but I have so now what?????

I will have to wait and see what the future had in store for me? I do feel like things are going to change massively? i don't know what makes me think that? but i said so to Katie and Rachael the other fay that i think in 12months time things will a whole world away from how they are today? The only reason behind it i can think of is that when im 27 i will in fact be in my 28th year of life, life gos in 7year cycles (supposedly) so it will be the start of my 4th life cycle?

Maybe that's it?

waffle over I'm done for today x x x

PS-those people who know me and have found out through this.... I'm sorry!
I think i will text me oldest 2 friends soon, Ive been staying away, purposely because of this and i don't want them to know me like i was? but hopefully now I'm normal again i can rekindle friendships? (also its always worked that when one of us has got a new boyfriend someone else gets dumped...so by any combination it seems that one person gets dumped as the other two are all loved up, its odd but its always been like that! I'm not saying im loved up by any stretch, but im happy with who im seeing, but those two are both in LTR and i don't want to jinx them!) HA! xx

One Week In:

Well its Monday morning and I'm one week into this.
Ive just been reading all my comments again, I notice that people i really know have now found me...... GREAT?!

I hid under my scarf whilst reading all the comments.... like thats going to help?

So, whats what today?

I'm at the docs at 2.30, I'm going to see if i can drop my meds down to 6mg this week rather than 8mg? I don't think she will be too keen but if nothing else i cant sleep on 8? also .... I? dont know il come back to that bit when i remember?!

So how was the weekend? Surprisingly easy to be honest? It helps that i have no physical cravings.... it was boredom that was a big problem for me in the first place? Friday night i just didn't bother and that was that. Saturday i took the kids to town, looking at all the Christmas things, then we went to the park, It was freezing cold and wet but we all had a great time jumping in the leaves freezing our hands off on the swings. It was fantastic to be out doing something, where as usually on a Saturday morning id be warm at home, gouging out while the kids played play station games?

We all defiantly prefer the park, and next time we are going to go up to the woods and go exploring? Saturday night I went to the cinema and stayed home for the first time since i been better?

Katie & Corey kept me busy all Sunday, we went for a walk by the river and took the kids out for the day, which was lovely!

Its not all been plain sailing-I had a close encounter last night. I got put in a position where i had no choice but to be around it for a short space of time (some-one owed me money..) But while i were there they went through the process of scoring and then using.....

I have to say i hated every minute of it. Ringing up... and then ringing someone else I were just thinking... Why bother, theres none about just leave it? Of course they didn't.. then they had to arrange to meet.... That was a test of patience! Luckily for them they only had to wait (my) 15 mins I say MY because my 15mins is a drug dealers one minute That WINDS me UP!

Then of course there was the fun bit.... Well i weren't one bit tempted, it stunk VILE and i could not see the attraction what so ever? The only thing about it that was slightly appealing was the comfort of having something familiar? If that makes sense? I see why my drug worker says im still in the danger period, because im sure loads of people would prefer that comfort than the satisfaction of rejection? And the bit that REALLY wound me up, was trying to talk to someone whos just had a line or two of that. I don't know how i ever held it together or how people put up with me? Its awful. That pushed my patience too far trying to talk to a mong....! So i left them with it....

I think if your ready to do it, getting sorted is pretty easy? theres always going to be some kind of temptation for quite a long while after? but if you really don't want that connected to your life its easy to pull away?

Right im off to the docs now? see what she says? Fingers crossed!!


x x x

Scary moments....

Scary moments..... ive had a few.... one just now when i seen my comments..... and theres Gran?!!!

I were so scared that I didn't dare read it till Rach had read it first?!
I'm so happy with your comment Gran (and especially for you I'm not writing in yellow!!)
Its really hard when people you know find out, (my mum &the girls &my dad &his crew still dont know-and hopefully never will?) because.... I got to think how to get this across right now...

I'm certainly not proud of what I've done, but I don't regret it either? I think you should learn from everything in life &someway or another I'm going to make sure that this ends up being beneficial to me? How I'm going to turn it that way round just yet I don't know, but I will!!

The week end.. end of week?

These tablets give you loads of energy.... but now i can't seem to sleep?!
it were gone 4.15 am by the time i fell asleep last night and i were up at 7ish this morning?!

My ears are still sore?

Iv had my morning meds and i feel great. Ive been out and about round town all morning Christmas shopping with Jamie and had a great time be back soon!

The First rejection.....

Just a quick one to say that iv had my second lot of medication and and seen my drug worker. (he looked different today? did he or is it my eyes? now they are clean?)

I had a good long chat with him, and im going to see the doctor again on monday. The thing is all this chatting about how im doing and everything is good, but when he keeps telling me to stick the meds and not use on top because im at a danger point it kinda makes me want to go try?!!!

OBVIOUSLY I WON'T! but it does plant seeds in my head, why cant he talk about knitting or something?!

Now i got to keep myself occupied.... this is the hard bit cuz its not for a day or two its for life!

Anyways good news is that i had my first rejection today...... oh i didnt get a clean wee...... (thats an after thought-i should have done a wee test&it would have been my first negative one but i forgot to wee! bum!)

I were saying. my first rejection, yes, i walked out of the smackshop and as i were waiting for my lift to come and saw one of the wrong crowd as you may call them? any how, naturally they asked me if i wanted anything (because very few people are really clean who go to the clinic? thats a fact) so tempted as i was.... (which really wasnt that much cuz i have no physical craving anymore?) i said thanks but no thanks....
It was strange cuz its something im so used to doing but really dont want to do any more? i just need my head to catch up with my body?
YEAH!!!! It was quite weird but good!?!

Also i mentioned about being off my Subi tablets by Feb (after subis the next stage is a course of blockers...pure blockers then im nearly free?) ....he said "possibly....." i said... no, thats the way its going to be....... i think he knows that thats the way its going to be with me?! (i bet he wishes i were someone elses client? i must be a right pain?!) So hopefully im going to make this as short a journey as possible?! and not fuck up?

My ears still hurt?

Slight after thought.... when going out this morning there was nearly some close call with a bus&my ass..... (Kay reversing into the path of an on-coming bus and i were in the back seat so i would have got hit first?) Can you even begin to imagine how pissed off i would be if i did all this&then got hit by a bus?!

SERIOUSLY fucked off!!!!!

Day four.....&im better!!!!

Well its now Thursday, so its my forth day in, however many hours clean i don't know&am beyond counting now because i feel quite great and past dying?!

I wrote a little yesterday&then went out for a little while and i don't know if it was the fresh air or what but i felt loads better, still a bit uneasy but so so so so much better. I even had some tea?! (pie&chips&gravy) but i were dreading the night-noway could i have gone through another night like the last, so i did something a little bit naughty.... i acquired some more subutex from a friend, so that should i start to feel rough through the night i could tide myself over with them.

We have come to the conclusion, between myself my "carers" the pharmacist and my drug worker that the best idea will be to split my dose into two daily lots of 4mg because 8mg at once was just making me puke and i weren't getting that much into my system. Yesterday i puked more than the other day so i don't know how much i had actually taken? because i had already been given my prescription the clinic couldn't give me any more, hence why i went and acquired some..... so that should i need them to carry me through the night then i at least had the choice?

As it happens i didn't have anything extra yesterday, not even any paracetamol?! Which was defiantly a marked improvement as i seemed to have lived off nothing but tablets and love these last few days? (&god bless robinsons orange squash-much nicer when not regurgitated)

So i slept like a baby last night.... i have found one odd side effect from all this.... my ears are So sore?! its just from being laid down for such a long while, but they kill!! Even now, my right ear is throbbing!

But the good news is i have certainly turned a corner for the better. I cant believe how much better i feel from Monday. Today i feel almost normal, actually i think i feel better than normal, i feel quite energetic, the day has passed at a normal rate, rather than the last three days that have been so incredibly slow. Tortuously slow. Antagonistically slow? is that right? Evilally slow..?
but not today...
this morning I had breakfast (not much it tasted funny-) and i had a shower (all my myself!) I got dressed in real clothes, out my makeup on and put Real shoes on! (heels-not trainers!) Then we went to boots, i had half my tablets crushed&i took them all like a big girl, without being sick?! haha! then we had a walk round the market and the shops, we went to a coffee shop &had coffee&cookies. It was lovely! We had a look at christmas stuff... I cant wait to be christmas shopping!! I bought a couple of things to day, nothing much but just a few bits? It was nice to just have the choice of buying something?

so yes i feel great today, ive just had a sandwich, thats 2meals-ish in a day already, iv been to town, ive been to tescos, im going back into town soon, im going to see my drug worker in a little while and then im going to take my son to his kick-boxing lesson?! (God i hope i haven't forgot how to drive? i drove about 500 yards yesterday and i were shit! HA!)

I am a million times better than i were thats for sure? Even i am amazed at how soon i felt better? I couldn't have done it on my own thats for sure, i seriously thought i was going to die the first night? And i didn't feel good the second day? or the third really? although i was massively better? So whats to say now?

Well first its a huge huge huge huge thank-you to my family and friends who have looked after me. Ive already been pre-booked as first choice for geriatric arse wiper when they all grow old as return of thanks?!

And if any-one is "dabbling" then just think carefully. I was warned and warned and warned, and i did have some control for sometime... don't believe those people who say that you lose all control the second you try it because you don't. You lose control when you find your "want" being replaced with a "need" even then if you see it early doors you can rough it out and stay away, i did that last year, it weren't nice but it was a hell of a lot easier than this way?!Being a full time addict is hard work-its like having a full time job trying to score everyday! &if you can't....its even more awful!! theres nothing to aspire to from it?! The actual feeling from having gear may be nice but its not worth suffering like that for?! I should know?!

I chose this way because i wanted to be off it for good and proper, if i had chosen METH i would have used on top, i know so because i used to buy both? Now, if i used it would have no effect so id be wasting my time and money? And also ive got this experience to remind me never to even try? It was defiantly kill or cure for me with this?!

Now i just gotta get off the medication and then im sorted, my drugs worker reckons about a year till im clean clean clean? i say February? I'll be off my Subis by Feb? Lets see hey?! I'll probably nearly kill myself in the process again, but im not one to be proved wrong?! Ha!

Right im off for now. Ive got real things to do?! How exciting! Thank-you every-one for all your comments, to be honest they didn't really mean much till today when im not so brain dead? I've been waiting for the messages that say - suffer you dumb-ass junkie scum- but so far i've had none which has been fantastic, thank-you.

I've done this, not for sympathy but for almost educational reasons because we are all quick to judge and sometimes we know nothing about what we are judging, so i wanted people to see from the inside exactly how it is, how hard it is and how its got to be the user not the family/friends who is ready to give up? So if you know someone like me, give them all your support, however hard, because its only that thats got me through this?!

day 3 of HELL

well here i am three days in. did i think i was going to make it? no. absolutely not. On monday i started my tablets. i really thought i was going to die. if anyone is thinking about going on subutex, 4mg is not enough don't let them do it to you. I may as well have had nothing?

I once watched a programme on chanel 4 called cold turkey. It was about 4 junkies who had decided that they had had enough and were going to go cold turkey live on channel 4?! Crazy idiots.....i watched the first day or 2 and couldn't watch any more it were awful. That must have been what i was like? i know i must have been an absolute nightmare to look after? i don't really remember too much of it? I do remember trying to speak but not being able to make anything of any sense come out?

That must have been when Craig asked me if i was going to do more exorsist impressions?
apparently i often tried sitting up, rolling my eyes trying to speak anything and nothing really coming out apart from "please?"

i was lucky to be looked after by an amazing bunch of people, some with a great sense of humor which really helped, no way could i have gone through that on my own.

if i hadnt have had such fantasic support i know full well i would have found someone to inject me, even if i would have had to have crawled round the neighbourhood, i would have found some scumbag who would have done it. I shouldn't really say that because any addict who may have seen me like that would have thought they were helping because only they know of the extent of the pain?

So would i do day one again? NO WAY, it was worse than anything ever, ive given birth and even thats not as bad. people can help you when your in labour, when you do this, the minute you put those first tablets under your tongue its game over, no one can help you then.

And the SMELL! oh my god i smelled so bad! like a tramp rotting away in fish guts..... it were sick......

So that was the joys of day one....day two, was it better? not much? i had to go to boots and collect my tablets.... i puked up so so so so badly. my stomach just turned itself inside out and gave me back everything i had lovingly put in it? how embarrassing in the middle of the shop? luckily i was in a special cubicle thing&the only people who knew were the pharmacist and another addict who was there for his meds.

i just had to have lie down for 45mins, doing that bit of typing left me weak.

so yesterday....i puked in the chemist. nice. as i kept saying to people... dont u wish your girlfriend were hot like me?! Yesterday was all restless and horrible. By late evening i couldn't settle so we went on a mini adventure to tescos. Needless to say i did not go in the actual shop but i lay down in the back while kay drove round and round and round and round..... u get the idea.. the car is soothing.... mixed with the fresh air its good.

i feel a bit brain dead.

so now im 48hrs exactly into subutex and 58 hours clean. i dont feel great yet but i dont feel like a dying swan on deaths door neither? oh i forgot today? i had an awful night last night, went to boots first thing and had my tablets and like a dog at crufts i puked up as expected?
Dog at crufts? my head is wrong still?

Anyway i puked up but the bit i did have has made me feel a whole lot better? im still not right but im ok? its a weird feeling? not wrong but not right? im changing the way i have my tablets from tommorow, im guna av half in the morning and half at night? hopefully that way i wont be sick and i will be able to carry myself through? we will see?

i almost feel hungry? oh thats the other thing, on monday morning i wieghed nine stone one pound.... today, 48 hours later i weigh 8stone 6 pounds... thats 9pound!! oh b back in bit!!!

T'was the night before detox...

So as I just said...how am I feeling?
Well to be honest its such a mixture of things...
Ive waited for tomorrow for so long. When I first realised I had a problem I wanted it sorting but it took me a while to pluck up the courage to face it. Even when I did face it, I still had an 8/9 week wait during which time I've had various tests, meetings assessments etc all to make sure that I am doing the right thing, going down the right road &I'm ready for what I'm about to face?

For me each appointment & teat has been conformation that I'm ready. I wanted this yesterday - so to speak- so I'm defiantly excited about it. But I'm not naive either i know its going to be hard, both mentally & physically & I am definitely scared!
If I had to choose three words at the moment they would be:

Apprehensive
Determined
Daunted

I'm worried about what to expect in terms of the illness. I've been in the position of "rattling" before & its certainly not pleasant. I'm scarred about feeling ill and being on my own, specially in the night? I'm scared about the part where I have to go take my medication because I have to go into Boots the chemist in town &be supervised while I take it. That to me is embarrassing and will wash me over with the shame of myself & this situation I've created?

My whole daily routine is going to have to change. Its the mental side of the addiction that I'm going to find difficult. Getting up in the morning&doing what? I don't know because I usually start my day off with "that" to keep the illness at bay...so from the second I wake up my days going to change....? I've tried taking to coffee so i have got something to look forward to when I get out of bed in a morning?

I want to do it more than anything&I'm excited that my time is finally here! But I'm nervous about what I'm going to do to fill my time and take my mind off it? I'm whittling now.....! I've got lots of nice things to do, its this week I need to concentrate on&I'm focused on what I want? I'm going to stay up as late as possible tonight so that I will sleep in in the morning, that way I wont have a long morning waiting to see the doctor?

The other thing I've thought about is after this first week: this first week is going to be difficult in so so so so many ways &even if I'm tempted to give in, I can't? Firstly the medication I've chosen to go with is a blocker? that means if i try to use heroin on top it will not have the desired effect? But also if i try mixing the two I am going to make myself extremely ill.... that thought alone is enough to put me off.
I'm going to test my resolve too, because I have some "stuff" that I could have if I wanted? But I'm not going to, like I say the thought is enough to put me off, so I'm going to see if it works&see how determined I am, because I'm saying this now&I'm OK at the moment?
See how I feel in the morning when I get that awful itchy scratchy nasty burning in my bones&it takes all my effort to move?! &I'm going to put myself through hell when I have a bath?!

The joy the joy! I cant wait! All I got to tell myself is that its only for a few days? Once i get over the transition phase I can sort my head out, get my head clean &then I'l get my body clean?
Iv already decided that i want my eyelashes and eyebrows doing... Kayleighs meant to be doing them soon?
Iv booked in at the hair-dressers to have my hair cut? I feel like going for a right change? Obviously i wont be up to it this week, but i wont be waiting long, now Iv decided I want it doing, I want it doing now!!
Watch this space!!

Also I want my nails doing? I might ask Kayleigh if she can do them too?
I want them all nice and polished and filed and painted? i might do them myself tonight as a basic?

Also Iv got Christmas to look forward to, this year I'm going to make sure its the best one ever for Connor, especially as we didn't have one last years&I just took him away &never told anyone where we were going? That was depression. I had an awful time last year for many reasons,but this year I'm going to be celebrating that's for sure!!

Well thats plenty of waffling from me for now. I'm defiantly going to put the back-log of my hand-written diary on here at some point? but for now I need to call it a day? I got a big day ahead of me tomorrow, I need to literally go to bed and wake up as a new person in my head?

I couldn't do this without all the support of everyone around me thats for certain. I know so because I've tried and failed before. I'm not expecting it to be easy-far from it- but i definitely feel more mentally organised and prepared this time. Knowing I've got family and friends to turn to is a massive advantage for me.

The last thing I need is to become the person I was before all this...? Does that make anyone wonder why? Its because that person couldn't cope with how things were? That person wasn't happy with life and with myself? I need to find the person thats in me that has always been there but has needed this experience to learn and grow and to be nurtured out? Somewhere close under the surface is that person, its just a thick shell to break through? The good news is the shell is already cracked open, it just needs to break apart.

So for now its good-night from me now&await with anticipation the new day thats only hours away and whatever it brings (like every new day, except this one is especially chosen for me, its my day and my chance and my time) it will be of such significance to mark as a foundation of my future.

'TILL TOMORROW

XXxxXXxxXX

This is it - the journey has begun!!

Well like a child waiting for Christmas the eve is upon me before I know it!!
Just to make things clear the situation is this:

I am unfortunately and ashamedly to say, a registered heroin addict. But im an addict with s difference, because I am going to get out of this and i am going to do it the first time and I'm going to document every step of the way to give people an insight into exactly what its like to go through an experience like this.

And by that I mean an insight from all angles... from how i got into it, how far into it, how I got to admitting i had a problem, how I got help from friends, family & professionals and ultimately from a personal angle, mentally & physically.

Its already taken a lot of time & commitment from myself into getting off it & I haven't even come off it yet?! The doctors like to really make sure you are serious about getting clean before you get an appointment to get medication.

I first saw my doctor at the end of August this year and we are now mid-October. Luckily for me its judgment day fro me tomorrow. I have my appointment at 2.15 with the doctor and the plan is that she is going to start me off on opiate based medication (subutex) I have booked three days off work as chances are I'm going to be ill. Hopefully I will be on of these people who transfer over onto the medication with little more than the Flu (-at most) to suffer? I so hope and am praying not to be one of those who react badly..... I know of one girl who was so ill in the transition period that she phoned an ambulance because she kept collapsing with the pain.... I so hope thats not me?

For those who don't know-a little medical info:
All over our the insides of our bodies we have pain receptors. The chemicals in the heroin coat the pain receptors, putting like a lovely big snug warm comfy coat around each & every one of them.... however, these coats do not last for very long & when they start to come away that is when the user starts to go onto withdrawal......
The reason its so painful is because the pain receptors are being exposed to something that they are not used to... (remember Grannie saying to you when you were a kid - Take your coat off you wont feel the benefit when you go back outside?!)
Well Grannie was right!
So now I have to strip my receptors of their coats & let them get accustomed to the slight chill of normality...... to go cold turkey would take between 4days and a week to clear out, I have tried that before & I can't do it so I'm doing it with the help of medication this time. All this will do is take the edge off of the illness set to become me, Im going to be uncomfortable to say the least. To mark it out of ten I would be saying that 0 is good & 10 bad, the illness tomorrow would be about a 5 out of ten I'm expecting....but the medication should then make it a 3 out of ten?

The second day I'm expecting to be 6/7 out of ten, day 3 7/8 out of ten and day 4 5/6 out of ten & day 5 2/3 out of ten, more bare-able hopefully?! Oh joy how great this is going to be?!
Maybe it wont be quite as bad as I'm expecting? But I like to be prepared?!

So what am I going to do to distract myself during this time? Well so far I have got (from friends&my sisters) some lovely water colour paints, pencil crayons & sketch pads, so I can draw & paint whatever comes to mind?

Ive got myself a cross stitch kit of The Snow-Man which will take me hours and hours if I have the concentration ability?

I have a Suduko book donated from Kirsty which has been a great help already! I've go my knitting to do, again if I have the patience & concentration level required? I have several DVDs to watch that I've had a while&never got round to watching, so they might get listened to,through restless sleep-if not watched?

Finally I have a selection of magazines&crosswords &books. I've purposely chosen four books for the occasion- Flowers in the attic (a sad&tragic but riveting page turner!)
Jordan's auto-biography (I've had it ages &its meant to be good so I thought it would be good for some mindless mental stimulation?!)
Forget you had a daughter... (Some womans probably heart-breaking true story of her life- aptly named as this is what i think my dad would do if he knew what I were doing at the moment?)
and finally Filth..... a sick and twisted comic book that is disturbingly warped&demented fiction&art work giving my mind the opportunity to wonder to far away places where reality is simply a distant&fleeting thought...which of course is exactly what I get from being under the influence of a class A drug, that I shall be no more?

So really I think I got all angles covered there?!! The rest I shall take as it comes?
So how am I feeling now?... I'll start a fresh bit for this....

The beginning of the end

Today i have been to see my counselor. im now one week away from starting on proper medication....
It wasn't that easy to get to where i am today?
First i had to realise i had a problem, which was pretty easy for me?
Then i had to admit i had a problem..
which was easy to do for myself but admitting that i had a problem to other people was a whole lot more difficult.... who do you trust to tell that kinda thing to?
For me it was my boss....
Yep, but hes also my best friend so that helps?
Anyway i told him, he decided to get me clean his way, which basically involved locking me away from the world for a week or so..... Any bright sparks who know someone who is addictted and wants to help them- dont do this?!! Its a crazy idea!! its serious proper illness stuff, not Eastenders stuff!!
Anyhow, after 3days he realised this and i had to give in and go see a professional, my doctor was great and referred me to the local drugs clinic, i got in that day rather than having to wait they 5months that other people have to wait....
so i had an assessment that day and three weeks later i was appointed a drugs counselor whom i now see on a weekly basis.... next monday i will be going to see a proper drugs doctor who is going to prescribed me subutex. This will gradually build up in my system and replace the opiates in my system and also place a blocker in my system so should i decided to ever smoke heroin again it will have no effect on me?

So thats all the technical stuff to my situation at the moment, but what i want to do with this is not really tell you all the bits you could read up on in a book or ask a drug worker about.... i ant to give people an insight into the lengths we addicts go to to be deceitful, just to get what we want? The effort we put into our lies and the double life we create just to get through a day!!
Even the most honest smack heads will be full of lies if they feel there is even a small risk of their daily heroin supply being under threat?!

I have to go for today but i must tell this first...
last night i got caught in the act for the first time!!! I went to put the washing on the upstairs radiators..... with my handbag in tow... (give away number 1!) then i was gone for about 20 mins..... (give away number 2) then i burnt it... frying it on the foil making the most ungodly smell?! (that was pretty much game over?!) but determined to be more clever than my would be capture.....i quickly shoved it in my handbag and began folding the towels that were nearby..... Great i thought!!! until he walked in&said "whats that smell?"
as hard as i tried i couldn't stop the mass of smoke from escaping my mouth as i tried to answer..... so as i stood there with my head in a self formed cloud i decided that now wasn't the time for denial?! so i had to admit to it.... was i happy about it? far from it? but i couldn't lie (this time? otherwise chances are i would have) So armed with the information of my appointment next week i confessed....

now next week is almost only 6 days away and im feeling excited but apprehensive?

thats my lot for now, my arse is numb and my cravings are calling, im ashamed to say but thats how it is. so more tomorrow when i will be one day closer to normality....?

The history of a new beginnig

right well heres the start......
first of it is that some how kind of by accident i have become a smack head?! but not the dirty - rob your grandma - starve your kid - dole dossing kind......? so thats good then?!
so now i've worked hard and put loads of time and money and effort into getting myself into this mess i thought it would be a good idea to share with people of the "outside world" those "normal people" amongst you, my journey into getting clean and back to "normal" and giving people an insight into exactly how hard it is?

Im sure not many people have sympathy for junkies? i don't - i know that much?! But not all are the same. Yes there are useless losers who deserve to put on an island to rot and die, and unfortunately i happen to know of some, but Im not one of them...... am I?

So the story so far is...
(at a later date im going to put some in depth history on here and some bits from my diary and stuff)
basically, never touched nothing for 24 years... then went out one night everyone was taking pills (ecstasy) i dint have any.... went out again they were doing it again... i said no all night then eventually yes... nothing happened? had a few more, then had an amazing weekend!!
A friend of mine who is still an addict tried telling me about his addiction and the problems of it? i had zero tolerance and understanding of it. As much as he tried he couldn't get through to me and he kept asking me how i could judge people so harshly when i had absolutely no understanding of what they were going through? It wasn't long before he had turned up at mine with a small wrap of the brown stuff, trying to persuade me to just try it once? "so i could see for myself what all the fuss was about?"

I did say no, several times but eventually few weeks later i gave in.....
And what happened? nothing....
Except i puked my guts up!!!
Severely puked my guts up..... sicker than sick sick sick!!!

So why a week or so later did i do it again?!
Because i was told that being sick was a natural reaction and that this time i would be able to feel the effects....
and did I?
Yep!
and was it good?
if you like that sort of thing then yes its alright? as a one off?

so was addicted there and then? no!! its not that easy to get addicted!
From there on in i had bits as and when... always smoking never ever injected, even still now to this day i haven't.

It took about 15months of being in those circles having it on a regular basis before i began to get addicted... it was March 2007 and i had had some at the weekend, then on the Tuesday, then on the Wednesday, then Thursday and then we are back to the weekend and I'm having it again, before i knew it i had had it every day for five long weeks and suddenly i couldn't just not have it?
I knew people who would give me METH to help me through the day but i don't know why i kept having gear?
I wish to god i had stopped then, even though it wouldn't have been easy it would have been so much better than going through what I'm going through now?

So whats the story now?
now im officially an addict, i have to use heroin everyday whether i want to or not, because im physically addicted (and mentally sick of it!)
If i don't have it i get ill, iller than ill...... i go freezing cold, get goosebumps that feel like they are burning my skin with blisters with the intensity of the pain. All my bones get heavy with a dull ache that comes from right within the center of the bones and feels like some-one is chiseling away the insides of your bone and scratching with a tool with similar effect to nails being scraped down a blackboard? That's just the start, that's the feeling of starting to rattle... next comes the sweats and chills the stomach cramps and sickness, all over body pain, irritation, agitation..... imagine the worst flu you ever had and multiply it by ten and then you might know what the onset feels like, before the intensity of it kicks in?
Nice eh? which is why an addict goes through all the effort that they do, on a daily basis, to score-ensuring that they have they what to us is almost precious powder......
the difference between junkies and addicts i believe is this.....
An addict has the gear everyday to prevent the illness.... a junkie has it to get high?

So besides all that.. i am..
a 26 years old female, i work 40hours a week for a memorial company (selling headstones), i have an 8year old son who is top of his class in all subjects, i live in a 2bed roomed rented council house and not only can i drive not i also own a car!!
Which is pretty amazing in the world of smack?!
in relation to that i also have a drugs worker who is like a counsellor for me, whom i see every week to keep me mentally as prepared for what I'm about to do next.... which is get clean?


So now im going to tell you where im at...