The history of a new beginnig

right well heres the start......
first of it is that some how kind of by accident i have become a smack head?! but not the dirty - rob your grandma - starve your kid - dole dossing kind......? so thats good then?!
so now i've worked hard and put loads of time and money and effort into getting myself into this mess i thought it would be a good idea to share with people of the "outside world" those "normal people" amongst you, my journey into getting clean and back to "normal" and giving people an insight into exactly how hard it is?

Im sure not many people have sympathy for junkies? i don't - i know that much?! But not all are the same. Yes there are useless losers who deserve to put on an island to rot and die, and unfortunately i happen to know of some, but Im not one of them...... am I?

So the story so far is...
(at a later date im going to put some in depth history on here and some bits from my diary and stuff)
basically, never touched nothing for 24 years... then went out one night everyone was taking pills (ecstasy) i dint have any.... went out again they were doing it again... i said no all night then eventually yes... nothing happened? had a few more, then had an amazing weekend!!
A friend of mine who is still an addict tried telling me about his addiction and the problems of it? i had zero tolerance and understanding of it. As much as he tried he couldn't get through to me and he kept asking me how i could judge people so harshly when i had absolutely no understanding of what they were going through? It wasn't long before he had turned up at mine with a small wrap of the brown stuff, trying to persuade me to just try it once? "so i could see for myself what all the fuss was about?"

I did say no, several times but eventually few weeks later i gave in.....
And what happened? nothing....
Except i puked my guts up!!!
Severely puked my guts up..... sicker than sick sick sick!!!

So why a week or so later did i do it again?!
Because i was told that being sick was a natural reaction and that this time i would be able to feel the effects....
and did I?
Yep!
and was it good?
if you like that sort of thing then yes its alright? as a one off?

so was addicted there and then? no!! its not that easy to get addicted!
From there on in i had bits as and when... always smoking never ever injected, even still now to this day i haven't.

It took about 15months of being in those circles having it on a regular basis before i began to get addicted... it was March 2007 and i had had some at the weekend, then on the Tuesday, then on the Wednesday, then Thursday and then we are back to the weekend and I'm having it again, before i knew it i had had it every day for five long weeks and suddenly i couldn't just not have it?
I knew people who would give me METH to help me through the day but i don't know why i kept having gear?
I wish to god i had stopped then, even though it wouldn't have been easy it would have been so much better than going through what I'm going through now?

So whats the story now?
now im officially an addict, i have to use heroin everyday whether i want to or not, because im physically addicted (and mentally sick of it!)
If i don't have it i get ill, iller than ill...... i go freezing cold, get goosebumps that feel like they are burning my skin with blisters with the intensity of the pain. All my bones get heavy with a dull ache that comes from right within the center of the bones and feels like some-one is chiseling away the insides of your bone and scratching with a tool with similar effect to nails being scraped down a blackboard? That's just the start, that's the feeling of starting to rattle... next comes the sweats and chills the stomach cramps and sickness, all over body pain, irritation, agitation..... imagine the worst flu you ever had and multiply it by ten and then you might know what the onset feels like, before the intensity of it kicks in?
Nice eh? which is why an addict goes through all the effort that they do, on a daily basis, to score-ensuring that they have they what to us is almost precious powder......
the difference between junkies and addicts i believe is this.....
An addict has the gear everyday to prevent the illness.... a junkie has it to get high?

So besides all that.. i am..
a 26 years old female, i work 40hours a week for a memorial company (selling headstones), i have an 8year old son who is top of his class in all subjects, i live in a 2bed roomed rented council house and not only can i drive not i also own a car!!
Which is pretty amazing in the world of smack?!
in relation to that i also have a drugs worker who is like a counsellor for me, whom i see every week to keep me mentally as prepared for what I'm about to do next.... which is get clean?


So now im going to tell you where im at...