Behind the meanings?

I'm trying to pass time "cleanly' as I prepare for tonight? I'm going out round town with my sister and I'm beginning to wonder how and if I will cope and survive the night clean? I'll be amazed if I do because old habits die hard and like anybody else I really don't care about anything when Ive had a good drink?!!

So now my mind is over-active running round in circles having schitzo arguments with myself and my conscience? It would be easier if I did want it in a way? But I don't physically want it, I have zero urge to have it, so why do I possibly think I might? Why aren't my mind and my body in sync?!

Then what confuses me even more is... I don't really fancy a drink either... but I'll be doing that (by the bucket load!) so I'm confusing myself with my mind/body connection? I'll be doing something I'm not too bothered about doing but then I'll have to try so hard not to do something I think I might want to do even though I don't feel I want to???? ?? ? ? ? ????

On another note I've had all my hair cut off today. Ive gone for a POB (Beckham bob) Only I've had it bit longer and I've not gone lighter as planned I've gone darker (black/blue) So really I've had more of a Rhiannon cut? (can i name it a ROB?!) I have not been to the hairdressers for years&years, the last time i went i was pregnant, and he's now eight so it were a while back!!

It were kind of nice to do something "normal" but I can't imagine being one of those people who go every six weeks or so?! I'm having my eyelashes tinted soon and my nails done... that I could probably get into? In my quest to be "normal" I could end up turning myself into a bimbo!!

I done a really good deed today... whilst at work an oldish couple came into the shop asking for directions. I tried explaining to them that they were about a mile or so away&then realised they were walking... So as I was just about to shut up shop I offered to take them to their destination (which was out my way!) They were extremely grateful & in return I prayed to the Gods above that the hairdresser would not find nits in my hair?! Did it work? I don't know but she never mentioned it to me so I'm happy! Ha!

I'm going to go bit serious now..... For ages and ages someone has been telling me about a poem I must read.....It was wrote by a man in prison who chose to remain anonymous? Why I don't know because its amazing and it really puts into perspective the ease in which something can take a hold of a person-how someone can fall so hard and fast without even noticing?
Here it is:


Take Me in Your Arms
(Miss Heroin)

So now, little man, you've grown tired of grass
LSD, goofballs, cocaine and hash,
and someone, pretending to be a true friend,
said, "I'll introduce you to Miss Heroin."
Well honey, before you start fooling with me,
just let me inform you of how it will be.

For I will seduce you and make you my slave,
I've sent men much stronger than you to their graves.
You think you could never become a disgrace,
and end up addicted to Poppy seed waste.

So you'll start inhaling me one afternoon,
you'll take me into your arms very soon.
And once I've entered deep down in your veins,
The craving will nearly drive you insane.

You'll swindle your mother and just for a buck.
You'll turn into something vile and corrupt.
You'll mug and you'll steal for my narcotic charm,
and feel contentment when I'm in your arms.

The day, when you realize the monster you've grown,
you'll solemnly swear to leave me alone.
If you think you've got that mystical knack,
then sweetie, just try getting me off your back.

The vomit, the cramps, your gut tied in knots.
The jangling nerves screaming for one more shot.
The hot chills and cold sweats, withdrawal pains,
can only be saved by my little white grains.

There's no other way, and there's no need to look,
for deep down inside you know you are hooked.
You'll desperately run to the pushers and then,
you'll welcome me back to your arms once again.

And you will return just as I foretold!
I know that you'll give me your body and soul.
You'll give up your morals, your conscience, your heart.
And you will be mine until, "Death Do Us Part"
-Anonymous

For anyone who has been on the wrong side of this addiction I think they will be able to relate so well to this? As well as starving your children, yourself and your pets, borrowing money and gaining huge debts, looking in the mirror you no longer see, the happy healthy person that used to be? (hey I could add my own verse in here!-I'll work on it for another day!)

As anyone will know from my story its not quite been like that for me. Ive never injected and Ive never really done any other drugs? I have done some, but only recreationally, never as a problem and never things like LSD or acid or speed or things like that? I wouldn't even know what those things look like?!! Or what to do with them?!! Which I think is pretty good for a baghead! HA!

There is song which I listen to quite often which I realised this morning has a scary double meaning? Read this (from my point of view) and think of the "you" as being my son....

I've been down so low people look at me and they know,
they can tell something is wrong
like I don't belong,
well, staring through a window standing outside they're just too happy to care
and I wanna be like them but I'll mess it up again,
I tripped them out when God kicked outside everybody's soul.

Chorus:
And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I cant feel it right now,
I thought I was doing well but I just want to cry now,
Well I know that its a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
but I can only see when you're here, here with me.

Sometimes I feel so full that it just comes spilling out,
it's uncomfortable to see I give it away so easily,
but if I had someone I would do anything and never never never never let you feel alone
I wont, I wont leave u on your own,
who am I to dream, dreams are for fools, they always let you down.

Chorus:
And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I cant feel it right now,
I thought I was doing well but I just want to cry now,
Well I know that its a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
but I can only see when you're here, here with me.

Now sometimes I listen to this and I think of 'you' as being my Connor and its a lovely song, its uplifting and inspiring and it makes me appreciate how lucky I am to have a child like mine because as anyone who knows us will tell you hes unique, so clever for his age and so understanding, caring, considerate and sensitive to peoples needs, especially mine. It makes me think that I can turn myself around and do something good for us both? But now read it again and think of "you" as being heroin...

It's scarily right? Its how that stuff makes you feel? Like a comfort blanket protecting you from the world. Like you and your whole life is a mess and everyone else is passing you by. You want to be normal but its holding you back? You can't be normal without it? When you have it it makes you think everything is alright? Nothing matters when your high, you can cope with anything, you put yourself on a pedestal and no-one can touch you. All your problems have gone, or can wait while tomorrow? And tomorrow you will get clean because you can do it...just not today? The world is a wonderful place, but you can only see it when your within the power of that?

So now I'm judging my progress on the value of a ten pound note and James Morrison's lyrics? If I had to do marks out of ten and 0 was bad and 10 was happy, I'll never be a ten (well i might be in spits and spats but not as a regular thing... I'm too realistic!) So I think I'm wise to aim for an 8....? I'll never be a zero again? Zero to me is being happy to be a junkie because I'm pist at life for being so shit? Now I can accept that its pretty shit for most people in a similar kind of way but at the same time I should be grateful for being alive in the first place, being able to wake in a morning and have the things i have got in my life?

I would say a 2 was low for me? I wouldn't like to be at 2 for any length of time? So on my scale of 1-10 I'm working between 2-8? That don't give me much scope? I'll change my scale to -2 - 12 I think? If that's the case then i think i would place myself at.... 3 (for optimism of tonight's events-predicting failure and also because I'm not going to cheat and lie about it-I will admit I've screwed up) But over-all I think I would mark my progress at a 6?

I have got an end target in mind and I'm slowly working my way towards it but it will take time because I've involved so many other people, they need to progress and travel this journey with me? (As pointed out to me by someones comment which I'm very grateful for because I was being a little selfish and not thinking of it from their point of view?)

So I will part for today and prepare myself for tonight? All I can say is that I really don't want to let myself down but I can't promise I won't? However I can say that if I did intend to do it, I would in fact go and score now, before I even went out so that I would know that I had something to go home to? Which is what I would have done before without even thinking about it? So at least I can see I must have made some progress as I have managed to change my pattern of behavior? That's a good note to end on i reckon?!

x x x x