It almost 1pm and i haven't had any medication yet? I'm going into town in an hour or so to pick it up. I feel fine which makes me wonder do I need it? I wonder what it would be like to not have it? would I be ill?
I texted my drug worker yesterday and told him about me dropping my dose. He told me to be careful and not to rush things? I said that I just want to be clean throughout? But if i have to be on tablets for 6months then I want to be on the lowest dose possible? Its no good saying "well done for not smoking class A's anymore, but here have some medication so your body is still dependent on something?" That doesn't make sense to me?
The other part of it which I daren't mention to them at the clinic, is people maybe on 16mg for months and months but that doesn't mean they are taking 16mg a day? I could have stayed on 8 or upped to 16, but really have only taken 6, used on top and sold the extra medication i would be storing? That's how the majority of other people do it?
But as I have said from the start I'm not here, going through this, to just lie and cheat the tests? I want this chapter of my life to be a closed part of the book? We were arguing last night because basically Craig doesn't have much faith in me to get through this? He says I'm currently doing a very good job and even he can't deny that, but can I keep it up? He says that when he spoke to my drug worker, even he told him that the success rate is very minimal? Even on Subutex people end up going back to it?
I'm sure they do - God knows he makes me want to do it sometimes?! But as I pointed out to him, I've changed my friends, i don't see, speak to, text or hang around with anyone in that circle anymore? I have one number that's a strong connection, but i don't use it? Its simply in my phone so that should that person choose to contact me i will at least know its them and have the choice to ignore it?
He knows more than anyone just how much I've changed things and hes still doubtful? I did say that whatever I do I don't think it will be good enough for him? He will always be waiting for me to fail? I told him if hes that sure im going to fail at this then why not just fuck off now? His reply-because nobody wants me to do this more than him? So wheres the sense in all that for me?!
Hes defiantly a better help to me now I'm through the physical worst of it, but its a good job I'm mentally strong enough to stand my ground and argue my point with him? The way he goes on hes enough to pull anybody down at times! Its hard to keep it together when you got someone constantly poking negativity at you? The way he sees it is I should use it as an incentive to prove him wrong? (moronic logic!)
I've got to go have my tablets now, If nothing else I'm sooooo tired! I'm back at work tomorrow, so I gotta get me an early night tonight and get some sleep sorted?
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5 comments:
if it's any small consolation - what he thinks really doesn't matter diddly squat in the longer scheme of things - the people who love you and care about you the most, your family and friends who'll always be there, totally support you and know that you are MORE than strong enough (stubborn enough? ~grin~) to get through this! Stick to your guns lass, and don't let the naysayers bring you down xxx
Glad you sticking to it, and feeling better.
Ignore what Craig says because he is a idiot he should be there and supporting you not being negative.
Hugs and stuff
Andrea
I think you are doing really great... but do listen to you drug workers, they are there to help you.. they want you to succeed.
It may well be that Craig is making you question what you are doing? You seem more determined not to go back to using when he suggests you might... Heck I don't know him or you so maybe I'm pissing in the wind.
I really do hope you get through this as a long term friend, more of a brother, started using when he was in his 30's, he would tell me he had quit and was getting help when I could see in his eyes he really wasn't, he would lie, cheat even steal from me, I could do nothing for him and eventually just had to cut him out of my life much as you are cutting the other users you know out of yours.
Keep up with the meds, your drug worker will probably have a pretty good idea of how long you need it for even if you feel you don't, it's not so much swapping one addiction for another as a helping hand along the way to help you keep your mind set.
It will be a long time before you can say you are truly clean, I know because of my own addictive nature, my drug of choice wasn't physically addictive but mentally, even now if I was offered a clean regular supply I'm not sure I would say no...
I have an addictive nature.
Good luck, stay strong, I am sure you can make it!
I'm really glad you're still going strong - t'is very good news.
I wonder if you could use some of the money you're saving to get yourself a new mobile + new sim card, then text everyone you still want in your life with your number - but then people you want shot of will not have your new number, so can't contact you. Does that make sense?
Anyway, once again, it's great to hear that you're sticking with it. Keep going!
Best wishes
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