If I had to choose three words to describe myself today I would have... frustrated.... no I'll have two... Immensely frustrated and I can't really think of an appropriate third? (so why did I do this?!) Apart from bored? I really think that maybe I am going through a significant phase of my life? I can't explain it, but I constantly have this strange feeling inside of me, almost like apprehension, like I'm waiting for something?
I can't explain too well, but it's almost like I'm sat in a box, high high up on a cliff top, balanced precariously, and while I'm in this box, I'm searching for something? Though what it is I'm not quite sure as yet? But while I search I'm in danger of making my box unbalance and then fall off the edge, disappearing into the vast nothingness below? Should I find what I'm looking for then... well I don't know? nothing really? Except I'm OK? Maybe whatever it is I find, will be the answer for what comes next?
Sometimes I find that writing this is a real help, it makes me understand things, rationalise and reason things? Makes sense of all the things that cloud my mind and my thoughts? But other times..... like now, I find it hard? My mind is a daunting place right now, there's a mass of things in there that i need to deal with, but I can't? There's also a lot of things I've addressed lately, I've made changes and made sense of dominating negative issues? Almost as if I have been struck by a bolt of clarity? Suddenly a light has switched on and now I am beginning to make friends with my mind and its hoardes of demons?
I don't know what it is at the moment that makes me feel like this, I feel kind of down, isolated and unmotivated? No unmotivated is not right, more passive? My mind goes off to a place of it's own, drowning in thoughts as if scurrying through the memories trying to piece everything together to make a structure to hold everything in place in the future? All the time my mind is working on different levels, whilst doing the everyday things that need to be done, the here and now, there's a sub-current running underneath, niggling away and distracting me from giving a 100% to any one thing?
I keep saying it, but I feel like I'm about to turn a major corner in life? I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but I feel so unsettled in myself? Am I unhappy? Probably? but that's
not it? I don't feel like I'm doing enough with myself? There's more to be done and I want to do it, but I wouldn't even know where to start?
This time last year I was in much the same position as I am now? I had had my face to face with Gary and vowed to regain control of my life? I made a conscientious effort to stay away from drugs, from the people involved in it and the baggage that came with it? It was hard and everyday I did stay away, for 10 days which was pathetic really? I went to bed feeling proud, but also like I was missing something? It might sound silly to say i felt I was missing something, but that's how it was? This might sound even sillier, but I can recognise now, that my problem with heroin was the comfort factor? It was the activity itself, the smoking, not the drug or its effects? It I could have coffee and had the choice to drink it or toot it, either way I would be having the same reaction that in-taking coffee gives you... I would still, even today, choose to toot it? Because thats what is the root of my addiction. I know this as fact too, not just analysing it. When theres been the odd occasion of crack being around, I always opt to toot that, not have it on the pipe which is what most people do, (the correct way to smoke it?) I think the reason being, when I first started on the gear I always had it run for me? So I probably subconciously associate tooting with being taken care of, which is where I draw comfort from? ( I must be a nutter!?!)
I ended up with a physical addiction and eventually had to have it everyday because that is what my body required in order to function 'normally' but November 2006 I had been dabbling for almost a year and though i didn't realise it at that point, I did have an addiction, but it was mental. I didn't suffer any illness when I didn't have it, I just missed the comfort of the false feelings of safety and protection it gave me. I was vulnerable back then, maybe even depressed? I'm not sure? But I certainly didn't have a physical addiction?
I had made a promise to myself to stay 'clean' and looking back now, if I am honest, I can say it was the third time in the first year I had had to go out of my way to make an effort to stay in control? The warning signs were there, I should have taken notice and run a mile in the opposite direction, I was a fool to thing I could stay in control of a substance that has ruined so many peoples lives, and people far greater than me.
The first time I experienced a 'rattle' was about 3months or so after i first started experimenting. In fact, because this is all based on honesty I can say that it was February 19th 2006... In the weeks leading up to that date I had been smoking heroin every day, at least three times a day for about....only 3weeks? No more than 3weeks anyway, and by that I mean waking up with it at the side of the bed, having about £15 worth each (I was dependant on someone else running it for me back then-I refused to learn how so that I wouldn't become addicted????) At various points throughout the day we would be smoking it, we hung around in those circles so there was always plenty of it about. The day always ended with a nice relaxing toot, before falling to sleep for the night?
It was only having been at a birthday party one night (party of our main dealer) and we were chatting rubbish as you do whilst high from vast amounts of crack cocaine, drunk from a 15hour bender and having our last smoke of the night, that I realised I couldn't remember the last day I had gone the whole day without having a toot? When I worked out the it was near enough three weeks ago I decided then that it was time to sort myself out.
The following morning I woke up, feeling rough and divided to finish what gear we had in the house and that would be it for a while, until it was long out my system so that i would be sure I wasn't getting addicted.... and I did it. I didn't touch anymore for a good few weeks... at least 6 or so, which is a big change and hard to do. But I suffered too. My first day 'clean' was a Monday morning and I wasn't too great at all, but it was manageable to a degree? I managed to get up and have a bath, but the cold burnt my skin and my bones hurt with an indescribable pain/discomfort.
On the Tuesday I had an appointment at the bank and I really had to fight to get myself to go. It was unusually hot weather for that time of year but I was chilled to the bone and Connor's dad had to take me into town because no way was i fit to drive? After my appointment I went home and fell back into bed where i stayed for pretty much the whole of the next day too.
By Thursday I was feeling considerably better, still off colour, but I no longer felt like I has the Flu? I should have taken that experience and etched it in my mind, it would have saved me from so much in the future? Back then I said that was easily the worst I have ever felt and I never wanted to have to go through anything like that again. I still stand by that now, because up until that point it was, horrific!
So after going through that what on earth ever made me pick up the tooter again? I really do not know?! I think it must have been a combination of low self esteem, maybe depression, looking for something in myself and getting lost on the journey?! Then on top of that was my extreme naivety? Thinking that because I had been through that then I would recognise the signs in future and then be able to make sure that I kept myself safe?
God I was pretty stupid really?! So throughout the summer of 2006 I had the odd bit here and there, usually with a bit of crack, but for some reason I never had a problem with that? It is addictive in that you always want more but if you can hold out for an hour or so for that to pass then I find I'm not that bothered about it anymore?
Towards the end of 2006 I was still very much a part time user, but what I had begun to notice was that on the occasions when I did have it (usually a Friday night as a regular thing and then it became a Wednesday night regular thing all too quickly?) The next day I would be very irritable and edgy, so when someone offered me a bit of Meth just to take the edge off, i found it was not only helpful in alleviating my symptoms, but also it was a nicer high than the gear, and depending how much I had, it lasted substantially longer too!!
When I sit and think today about how my life was headed and where I'm at today I cam say that I do feel like I have made positive changes and I'm so glad I did, though it was hard to admit that I did have a problem, and I was no longer in control. That was the hardest part and i think its fair to say that I didn't really admit it as such, It was literally dragged out of me and at first I only went through the motions to keep Craig happy.
I really believed I could sort myself out before I needed professional help, or once i had asked for it I still thought I could do it on my own before the ball started rolling so to speak? The last twelve months have been a turbulent roller coaster of experiences. I know I'm not in the clear yet, far from it, but the important thing is that this time last year I was just starting the decline of my life's slippery slope, now I have found my feet again and I am getting back to the top of that hill and thankfully its on the other side?
What i did I can't change and I don't regret, but I think I need to use this to not only to better myself, but to make a complete 360 with my life? I look at people I know that are still on smack and I want to shake them till the sense hits them! I get so infuriated when they say 'I'll go to the doctors next week, or i will phone tomorrow...' Or what annoys me even more is when someone says... 'I'm fed up of this, never having any money, I need to sell some Meth and then I will be sorted for a couple of days?'
..........AAAAhhhhh!!!!!
WHY!! I don't understand that!?! I find it hard to accept that people won't change just because I want them to? I want to fix the world, but I got enough problems trying to fix myself?! I know what my issues are, and I know what I want from life. I now have goals and ambitions, but that doesn't make it easy for me? I think my ambitions are too ambitious, unobtainable and because of the position I have put myself in now, I think they are going to be even harder to achieve, virtually impossible to be honest, and I'm not sure I'll ever do it, but I'm prepared try, prepared to put the effort in and work hard. I want the challenge, I want the mental stimulation, I want the focus, I want the goal.
I feel frustrated with my life right now, that I'm wasting it, even more than i threw it away. I feel everything is passing me by, there's things to do, new things to learn and to experience and I'm stuck doing the same old same old? What worries me now is that I think that I could have avoided all this past mess I got into had I just dealt with things and talked about things that were on my mind back then, but I have never been good at talking to people. I think that if you talk to people it lets them inside your mind and that allows them to get close to the person you are inside. Once you allow a person that closeness they are then free to hurt and betray you in the worst possible ways and that's a chance I am not prepared to take with anybody any time soon? Not anybody.
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
Thursday, 22 November 2007
Recognising my problem **November 22nd 2006**
I think I have a problem? Maybe? Isn't that what addicts say when they are trying to rectify their live? Trying to pull back the fragments of their splintered lives?
Its a Wednesday night, in fact its Wednesday November 22nd 2006... the reason I write this is I feel it's going to be significant to me at a later date? When I look back through my diary I know this page, or should I say these pages are going to stand out screaming at me....?
Why do I think that? Because I have just had the worst night ever?
As I sit on my bed & cry, I want the world to make me disappear? I want life to be gone but still be alive? I want time to have changed, I want me to be gone and swapped with the person I should be? If I could write myself, my life, away then I would and I would do it right now?
So why do I sit here & cry?
Because the truth hurts? Because the truth is too had to handle? Because if someone else can tell you how badly you are screwing up the it must be so obvious to the people who should be close to me, the ones I have now made the outsiders?
Everything was going fine, but I had to screw it up? How? By thinking I could control something that controls and destroys so many other people? I don't know why I decided to, but tonight I met Paul and we went halves on a 20 bag of gear, I knew I would be seeing Gary tonight so I purposely didn't have too much.
What an idiot I am though? I shouldn't have had any? But I did? Why did I? I don't know?
Basically I got pretty hammered. I thought I could hold it together? At least for a couple of hours? But no.
When Gary walked in I was asleep on the sofa....gouging out... and straight away he said to me, "Liane what are you doing?" I tried to pass off that I was just tired but he wasn't having any of it? It took a matter of ten minutes to reduce me to an uncontrollable sobbing wreck?
I can't remember everything of what he said, but it was enough.
Enough to hit a raw nerve, though everything is raw at the moment? Enough to knock me sideways, so to speak? It hurt so much to have to sit there and have someone throw the truth at me and slap me round the face with it?
What am I doing? That's what I'm beginning to wonder? It seems that more often than not I'm choosing to have gear now? Why? There is no real reason I don't think? There must be? I don't know?
"you're someone who could do something with you're life if you wanted to?' He told me. "I sit & look at you & I don't know the person I am seeing anymore? I just see this zombie staring back at me, mindless, brain dead, unable to string a sentence together. That's not the Liane I know, that's not the person everybody knows and loves is it? Why would you do this to yourself? Why would you choose to do this to Connor? He doesn't want his mum like this. How can you give him what he needs when you're in such a state"
I didn't have the energy to argue back that I don't get like this when Connor is about, & besides, I knew that he would only argue that it's only a mater of time? Is it? Is it only a matter of time before I get like this and he starts to notice? Am I so obviously hammered that anyone can tell? I know sometimes I have been but I have passed it off as being drunk? Am I the fool, thinking that everyone around me doesn't notice?
"No-one else will tell you what a mess you are" he continued "Your idiot smack head junkie scum friends won't want to tell you and probably are too fucked to even notice, your family, they might be scared of upsetting you or your real friends might be worried you will fall out with them? But listen to me, I'm a real friend to you Liane and I'm not scared to tell you, you are a mess, I don't care if you fall out with me because while you are like this I don't want to be your friend, and I would rather cut ties now and get used to life without you, that way it won't hurt so much when I'm saying goodbye, putting you in the ground? I might cut you off completely from now until then, I'll turn my head as you walk past in the street, and only look back when I know you can't see me looking? But I will find out when it happens, when its too late to say enough's enough, and I will be there, to watch that little boy of yours cry as his mum is dropped six feet under in a box, never to hold his hand, laugh with him or dry the tears from his face again? I hope its worth it? I hope your happy being high? Goodbye Liane"
And with that he turned and walked out he door, leaving me crying. Crying tears that I can't stop. Floods and floods of tears, each one trying to wash away the memory it holds? Tears that are full of the heartache and pain that swamps my mind. I torture myself with the past, constantly going over when and how my life went wrong? Punishing myself on a daily basis for things that happened so long ago, Things I can't change and things I can't accept?
If ever someone could say something to slap me in the face and wake me up it was Gary with those words? Hes right? I'm making such a big mistake with my life? I keep saying I'm in control but now I need to prove it, to myself first, because right now I'm not so sure about myself? I won't die from it, I won't let it get me like that I know it, but if it had been said 12 months ago that it would be like this now, I never would have believed it?
I was always so against drugs of any sorts, so how have I been so easily lead into this? Why didn't I notice it happening? Well that's it now, I'm staying away, I don't need them, I don't need this, I need to be a good mum to my Connor first and that's what I'm going to do. I feel so excluded from my family at the moment, so isolated, I've got no-one I can talk to and I think that's what I need?
The few friends I did think I can trust have already proved me wrong? I know they think they were doing it for my own benefit, but I told them things in confidence and they went behind my back and told the people I wanted to protect from knowing the truth? So it looks like I'm in this on my own now? It's going to be hard I know, but I can do this, I know I can because I want to.
If I could have one wish come true right now, it would be 'to be able to feel like my family loved me?' I never get phone calls any more, I certainly don't get invited anywhere any more. I know my sister would rather not have me at the wedding and truth be known I would rather not go, but how can I tell her that and how can she ask me not to go? I know my sisters visit each other, and they never ask me to go? My mum never rings to see if I want to go round? I never even get a text message anymore? I don't think they realise how alone I feel? How alone I am? Until my wish comes true, I'm on my own?
Its a Wednesday night, in fact its Wednesday November 22nd 2006... the reason I write this is I feel it's going to be significant to me at a later date? When I look back through my diary I know this page, or should I say these pages are going to stand out screaming at me....?
Why do I think that? Because I have just had the worst night ever?
As I sit on my bed & cry, I want the world to make me disappear? I want life to be gone but still be alive? I want time to have changed, I want me to be gone and swapped with the person I should be? If I could write myself, my life, away then I would and I would do it right now?
So why do I sit here & cry?
Because the truth hurts? Because the truth is too had to handle? Because if someone else can tell you how badly you are screwing up the it must be so obvious to the people who should be close to me, the ones I have now made the outsiders?
Everything was going fine, but I had to screw it up? How? By thinking I could control something that controls and destroys so many other people? I don't know why I decided to, but tonight I met Paul and we went halves on a 20 bag of gear, I knew I would be seeing Gary tonight so I purposely didn't have too much.
What an idiot I am though? I shouldn't have had any? But I did? Why did I? I don't know?
Basically I got pretty hammered. I thought I could hold it together? At least for a couple of hours? But no.
When Gary walked in I was asleep on the sofa....gouging out... and straight away he said to me, "Liane what are you doing?" I tried to pass off that I was just tired but he wasn't having any of it? It took a matter of ten minutes to reduce me to an uncontrollable sobbing wreck?
I can't remember everything of what he said, but it was enough.
Enough to hit a raw nerve, though everything is raw at the moment? Enough to knock me sideways, so to speak? It hurt so much to have to sit there and have someone throw the truth at me and slap me round the face with it?
What am I doing? That's what I'm beginning to wonder? It seems that more often than not I'm choosing to have gear now? Why? There is no real reason I don't think? There must be? I don't know?
"you're someone who could do something with you're life if you wanted to?' He told me. "I sit & look at you & I don't know the person I am seeing anymore? I just see this zombie staring back at me, mindless, brain dead, unable to string a sentence together. That's not the Liane I know, that's not the person everybody knows and loves is it? Why would you do this to yourself? Why would you choose to do this to Connor? He doesn't want his mum like this. How can you give him what he needs when you're in such a state"
I didn't have the energy to argue back that I don't get like this when Connor is about, & besides, I knew that he would only argue that it's only a mater of time? Is it? Is it only a matter of time before I get like this and he starts to notice? Am I so obviously hammered that anyone can tell? I know sometimes I have been but I have passed it off as being drunk? Am I the fool, thinking that everyone around me doesn't notice?
"No-one else will tell you what a mess you are" he continued "Your idiot smack head junkie scum friends won't want to tell you and probably are too fucked to even notice, your family, they might be scared of upsetting you or your real friends might be worried you will fall out with them? But listen to me, I'm a real friend to you Liane and I'm not scared to tell you, you are a mess, I don't care if you fall out with me because while you are like this I don't want to be your friend, and I would rather cut ties now and get used to life without you, that way it won't hurt so much when I'm saying goodbye, putting you in the ground? I might cut you off completely from now until then, I'll turn my head as you walk past in the street, and only look back when I know you can't see me looking? But I will find out when it happens, when its too late to say enough's enough, and I will be there, to watch that little boy of yours cry as his mum is dropped six feet under in a box, never to hold his hand, laugh with him or dry the tears from his face again? I hope its worth it? I hope your happy being high? Goodbye Liane"
And with that he turned and walked out he door, leaving me crying. Crying tears that I can't stop. Floods and floods of tears, each one trying to wash away the memory it holds? Tears that are full of the heartache and pain that swamps my mind. I torture myself with the past, constantly going over when and how my life went wrong? Punishing myself on a daily basis for things that happened so long ago, Things I can't change and things I can't accept?
If ever someone could say something to slap me in the face and wake me up it was Gary with those words? Hes right? I'm making such a big mistake with my life? I keep saying I'm in control but now I need to prove it, to myself first, because right now I'm not so sure about myself? I won't die from it, I won't let it get me like that I know it, but if it had been said 12 months ago that it would be like this now, I never would have believed it?
I was always so against drugs of any sorts, so how have I been so easily lead into this? Why didn't I notice it happening? Well that's it now, I'm staying away, I don't need them, I don't need this, I need to be a good mum to my Connor first and that's what I'm going to do. I feel so excluded from my family at the moment, so isolated, I've got no-one I can talk to and I think that's what I need?
The few friends I did think I can trust have already proved me wrong? I know they think they were doing it for my own benefit, but I told them things in confidence and they went behind my back and told the people I wanted to protect from knowing the truth? So it looks like I'm in this on my own now? It's going to be hard I know, but I can do this, I know I can because I want to.
If I could have one wish come true right now, it would be 'to be able to feel like my family loved me?' I never get phone calls any more, I certainly don't get invited anywhere any more. I know my sister would rather not have me at the wedding and truth be known I would rather not go, but how can I tell her that and how can she ask me not to go? I know my sisters visit each other, and they never ask me to go? My mum never rings to see if I want to go round? I never even get a text message anymore? I don't think they realise how alone I feel? How alone I am? Until my wish comes true, I'm on my own?
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
FLASHBACK. Diary entry November 20th **2006**
Its the middle of the afternoon and I'm still in bed, but not my own bed, I'm in some Premier Inn hotel room in Oxford... I ask myself what am I doing here?
Well basically I went round to mums at tea-time yesterday and everyone was there. Mum and the girls and Katie and her 'soon to be husband' and their son Corey all sat round the dinner table together with my Connor having a family tea that I think Katie had made for them?
Apparently they had arranged some time last week to all get together for this, but no-one ever mentioned it to me? Now I can take a hint, so if that wasn't a hint so highlight the fact that I'm pushed out from the family then I don't know what is? It really pissed me off to be fair that they either hadn't thought to include me, or had purposely secluded me? I don't care what they say, they can not claim to have 'forgotten' to ask me, thats a lame excuse when you are going to the trouble of getting all the family together, you don't just forget one member?
What upset me even more was that when I turned up, I could tell they were wishing I hadn't, kind of like I had rumbled their secret? But they could have redeemed themselves and invited me to join them, surely that wouldn't have hurt? Apparently so though because barely anyone spoke to me and it was made clear that my presence was making the atmosphere uncomfortable, so I got my Connor sorted for the night, said goodbye to him and told mum I couldn't stay as I was working early tonight.
I then got in the car, drove to the bank, withdrew hundred quid and phoned my mate Paul, who is working down Oxford. I phoned work and told them I was sick and then went to meet Paz... Paul had already phoned him and told him to meet me ASAP. So I drove up to the pub and waited in the car park. Luckily I didn't have to wait too long before I saw Paz emerge from the alleyway. He jumped in the car and I drove him back round to his house, while I was driving he sorted out my 'order' two point fours and half a tee of B's.
When back at his bedsit, he invited me in for a quick pipe, never one to say no to a pipe I quickly went inside. As I thought about my mum and sisters all sat round the table eating their family dinner together I had to fight the tears away. I should have been there with them, not sat here in some scummy bedsit smoking crack? Had I been given the choice, I would have swapped places straight away, but there was no choice, my family don't want me and thats that. So I had 3/4 pipes, enough to feel wired and then I set off on the two hour drive down south.
All the way down I kept thinking, this is crazy, I can't afford to be doing this for a start but more so than that I don't want to be doing it? But no way was I prepared to be sat at home, alone, wallowing in self pity about how my family are gradually cutting my out bit by bit to the point now that I don't even know that much about them any more?
The rain was horrendous driving down and part of me kept thinking 'I wish I could crash and die? Get out of their lives and do them a favor?' But where would that leave my Connor if I did? I know Katie would do a good job of bringing him up, but I don't want him growing up and hating me, which he probably would do, and will do any way?
It took just under 2hours to get to Oxford and the second I saw Paul I felt happy. I don't know what it is about him, about just being around him that makes me happy, but whatever it is, its the thing that keeps me going at all right now?
As he met me in the car park, his enthusiasm was infectious! It was getting late but he was so excited to see me and for once I felt like somebody wanted to see me, to hear what I had to say, listened when I spoke and asked me about how I was, what I was doing....all normal things that people take for granted, but all things that never happen to me anymore?
As we sat on the bed in the hotel room I felt like a naughty school child! There were no smoking signs all around the room, and here we were smoking crack and smack and giggling like teenagers at the buzz of doing something forbidden and getting away with it!!
After the two hour drive we had smoked almost everything in about twenty mins, saving a little smack for the morning.... then we just lay in bed with the T.V on, hugging as we talked about the rubbish that was floating round our heads? It was so nice to be away from everyone and I can only think that if they had noticed that I had gone away, which I know they hadn't because they all think I'm at work? But had they noticed they would all probably be happier that I'm out the way anyway?
Where have I gone wrong? How do I get back my family? I don't know how its come to this and I don't know how to fix it?
Well basically I went round to mums at tea-time yesterday and everyone was there. Mum and the girls and Katie and her 'soon to be husband' and their son Corey all sat round the dinner table together with my Connor having a family tea that I think Katie had made for them?
Apparently they had arranged some time last week to all get together for this, but no-one ever mentioned it to me? Now I can take a hint, so if that wasn't a hint so highlight the fact that I'm pushed out from the family then I don't know what is? It really pissed me off to be fair that they either hadn't thought to include me, or had purposely secluded me? I don't care what they say, they can not claim to have 'forgotten' to ask me, thats a lame excuse when you are going to the trouble of getting all the family together, you don't just forget one member?
What upset me even more was that when I turned up, I could tell they were wishing I hadn't, kind of like I had rumbled their secret? But they could have redeemed themselves and invited me to join them, surely that wouldn't have hurt? Apparently so though because barely anyone spoke to me and it was made clear that my presence was making the atmosphere uncomfortable, so I got my Connor sorted for the night, said goodbye to him and told mum I couldn't stay as I was working early tonight.
I then got in the car, drove to the bank, withdrew hundred quid and phoned my mate Paul, who is working down Oxford. I phoned work and told them I was sick and then went to meet Paz... Paul had already phoned him and told him to meet me ASAP. So I drove up to the pub and waited in the car park. Luckily I didn't have to wait too long before I saw Paz emerge from the alleyway. He jumped in the car and I drove him back round to his house, while I was driving he sorted out my 'order' two point fours and half a tee of B's.
When back at his bedsit, he invited me in for a quick pipe, never one to say no to a pipe I quickly went inside. As I thought about my mum and sisters all sat round the table eating their family dinner together I had to fight the tears away. I should have been there with them, not sat here in some scummy bedsit smoking crack? Had I been given the choice, I would have swapped places straight away, but there was no choice, my family don't want me and thats that. So I had 3/4 pipes, enough to feel wired and then I set off on the two hour drive down south.
All the way down I kept thinking, this is crazy, I can't afford to be doing this for a start but more so than that I don't want to be doing it? But no way was I prepared to be sat at home, alone, wallowing in self pity about how my family are gradually cutting my out bit by bit to the point now that I don't even know that much about them any more?
The rain was horrendous driving down and part of me kept thinking 'I wish I could crash and die? Get out of their lives and do them a favor?' But where would that leave my Connor if I did? I know Katie would do a good job of bringing him up, but I don't want him growing up and hating me, which he probably would do, and will do any way?
It took just under 2hours to get to Oxford and the second I saw Paul I felt happy. I don't know what it is about him, about just being around him that makes me happy, but whatever it is, its the thing that keeps me going at all right now?
As he met me in the car park, his enthusiasm was infectious! It was getting late but he was so excited to see me and for once I felt like somebody wanted to see me, to hear what I had to say, listened when I spoke and asked me about how I was, what I was doing....all normal things that people take for granted, but all things that never happen to me anymore?
As we sat on the bed in the hotel room I felt like a naughty school child! There were no smoking signs all around the room, and here we were smoking crack and smack and giggling like teenagers at the buzz of doing something forbidden and getting away with it!!
After the two hour drive we had smoked almost everything in about twenty mins, saving a little smack for the morning.... then we just lay in bed with the T.V on, hugging as we talked about the rubbish that was floating round our heads? It was so nice to be away from everyone and I can only think that if they had noticed that I had gone away, which I know they hadn't because they all think I'm at work? But had they noticed they would all probably be happier that I'm out the way anyway?
Where have I gone wrong? How do I get back my family? I don't know how its come to this and I don't know how to fix it?
Monday, 19 November 2007
Time flies when......
Well I've not long got back from the smack shop and I've had a great chat today with my worker. I didn't think I needed it today, but its certainly given me an unexpected lift? I didn't realise that it has only been two months and one day since my first appointment?! September the 18th when I first went there to sort myself out?
It seems like so much longer? At least 6-7 months of going? Two months I really can't believe that?! So that means that only 2 months ago I was at the height of my addiction, smoking up to £30.00 a days worth easily and having Meth on top and the odd bit of crack for a 'treat' every now and again?! That's crazy!!
I don't ever think how far i have come, I always just focus on getting through each day and everyday is a battle still. But now its been pointed out, I do feel slightly amazed!
Two months ago i could only have dreamed of being as I am now, it seemed like such an impossible target?
I still have a lot of issues in my head to resolve, but I will gradually learn to accept the things i can not change and deal with the things I want to change? I look back to where I was a year ago and I wonder not only how did I fall into that kind of lifestyle but how I managed to crawl out?
I had a double life, a side that no-one knew about and still no-one knows the extent I went to until I decide to disclose it on here? It was hard work and I still wonder what it was I was trying to run away from? What was it that drove me on a mission to follow that lifestyle and seek escape?
Tomorrow I'm going to add some of my diary entries from last year as it was about this time that I made a pledge to myself to give up, and I did for ten whole days.....
For now though I'm going to go home and think about just how far I have pushed myself over the last eight weeks and analyse the journey so far?
It seems like so much longer? At least 6-7 months of going? Two months I really can't believe that?! So that means that only 2 months ago I was at the height of my addiction, smoking up to £30.00 a days worth easily and having Meth on top and the odd bit of crack for a 'treat' every now and again?! That's crazy!!
I don't ever think how far i have come, I always just focus on getting through each day and everyday is a battle still. But now its been pointed out, I do feel slightly amazed!
Two months ago i could only have dreamed of being as I am now, it seemed like such an impossible target?
I still have a lot of issues in my head to resolve, but I will gradually learn to accept the things i can not change and deal with the things I want to change? I look back to where I was a year ago and I wonder not only how did I fall into that kind of lifestyle but how I managed to crawl out?
I had a double life, a side that no-one knew about and still no-one knows the extent I went to until I decide to disclose it on here? It was hard work and I still wonder what it was I was trying to run away from? What was it that drove me on a mission to follow that lifestyle and seek escape?
Tomorrow I'm going to add some of my diary entries from last year as it was about this time that I made a pledge to myself to give up, and I did for ten whole days.....
For now though I'm going to go home and think about just how far I have pushed myself over the last eight weeks and analyse the journey so far?
Wednesday, 14 November 2007
Flashback.Diary entry from November 14th **2006**
Another day off work today, I would love to be doing 9-5 Monday to Friday like 'normal' people, but then again I hardly live a normal life at the moment... I started the day with good intentions, for the first five minutes anyhow...until I thought about my sisters impending wedding in a months time? The very thought of it sends me into a spate of depression with no rational reasoning behind it? Well I say that, I'm sure there is reasoning? I think if I'm honest theres a whole load of reasons but only a few I'm prepared to go into on paper right now?
Her getting married makes me feel illuminated as the failure I've become? I'm the oldest so I feel it should be making such life-steps before her? Getting married means shes found some-one, shes settled, organised, happy. Shes doing things with her life that I should be doing, but I'm going no-where. I'm in exactly the same position as I was seven years ago? I should at least have done something with my life? But I haven't and even worse, I can't see anything in the near future to anticipate such things? I don't wish Katie any unhappiness, but I think theres so much behind this marriage thats a farce. I personally think she is trying to create for herself, the home/family life we lost because of our bastard step-dad.
She wants the ideal family, don't we all? But I think shes going a bit too far, you cant make whats not there? I also feel like I'm losing her and I think out of all my family shes the one I care about the most, we have been through so much together. I know Ive alienated myself from my family at the moment and its hard, and I don't know how to get back what I had? But this thing of marriage, I feel like its taking her away from me? I don't want to go, I wish I could go to sleep and just wake up and the day be gone? The year gone?
I don't believe for one second that she is going to be happy with her 'husband' for the rest of her life? Shes 21 years old, she should be out having fun, not throwing her life away to marriage? Maybe I'm jealous because I know its something I will never have, I will never have that trust with someone to be able to commit to a full time relationship, I know I wont. Ive had too many bad experiences now, if someone were to ever win me over it would have to be someone pretty amazing and theres no-one like that about, especially not in my circles?
I struggle to get by and to get through everyday. At least now I have got a 9-5 job, (its not Mon-Fri yet, only three days, but its a foot in the door) thats the only thing that can say I'm happy with in my life at the moment, my job, which is pretty sad? I'm swimming in debt, my only savings are those towards my bankruptcy application, I'm on the verge of being evicted, I've got to go to court on December 9th (a week before this f**king wedding) and pay fifteen hundred quid to be able to keep my house. Theres no way Ive got that kind of money, theres no way I can get it? I don't know what I'm going to do? I don't know how I even got into this mess?
Well truth be told I do know. Lack of caring in my behalf, ignorance to priorities and now I've got myself a financially draining hobby. Drugs. Heroin. I don't think its fair to call myself a bag head/smack head just yet but I can see myself standing on the edge of a very slippery cliff top. I'm messing with things I shouldn't be getting involved with and I don't know enough about? I know a fraction of what I should and thats all bad so that to me is a warning to keep away but I just cant help myself? I keep telling myself that I'm in control and I'm not an addict but I can feel it pulling me in?
I feel like I'm leading a double life now, I have got nobody who I can talk to. Not because I don't trust them, but because I don't want to disappoint them, I dont want to admit that Ive become one of life's idiots? I cant see my doctor, I would die of embarrassment and shame, but not only that, I'm not addicted yet. I can take it or leave it, i just choose to take it? I don't think theres anybody that will understand me because I don't understand myself? All I know is that I don't want to be doing it and I try, i really do try not to do it, but when Philip rings me up I just give in. I always promise myself it will be the last time, but it never is?
It just seems so exciting when he phones, hes always got something to say to make me smile and laugh, he makes me feel happy and relaxed, things seem fun and.... I dont know?! When he phoned today I really didn't want to say yes, but somehow he talked me into it, i told him I didn't have much time, but he promised all we needed was twenty minutes, so I said 'go on then, just this once?'
When he came, he already had it and I gave him my half of the money-thats when I wondered why am i doing it? Its not like he even needs the money, hes got his own today? But then I can imagine its not the same doing it on your own? thats when you know you have a problem, when you are smoking it on your own? I wouldn't even know how to do it, how to prepare it or run it or anything and thats the way I plan on staying because I think if I learn to do it on my own, then I will risk getting into a mess?
I phoned my mum and told her I would be a little bit late picking Connor up from her as I had to wait for my mate Emma coming off the bus and give her a lift.... it weren't a lie, but she wasn't on the bus, at least not for another two hours? She knew I had promised to give Emma a lift so she didn't suspect any untruth in my story? I did feel a bit guilty knowing that Connor was waiting for me and I had made him wait, and although I had told him twenty minutes he would in fact be waiting near enough an hour for me?
All that soon disappeared when he flicked the lighter and ran the gear across the foil for me. I hate it when it first hits the back of my throat, it makes me sick, horrible, bitty, brown bile sick, the kind that rips your throat as it comes up? It doesn't take long to forget all that though as it runs through my system, making me feel like I'm on a cloud, floating, away from reality.
My real day to day life is so harsh right now, I know this isn't the answer, I'm not stupid, I know its wrong, but its a release. I feel trapped. I feel stuck in life, trapped by myself, imprisoned in my own unhappiness and theres nothing i can do to get out any time soon? If there was a light at the end of the tunnel, however small I would head towards the light, but as I see it now I'm drowning in darkness thats forever increasing, swamping me and this is a tiny temporary escape. A little candle in a cave of darkness just flickering enough to help me keep my sanity? A secret guilty pleasure? I don't want to fall into the claws of addiction, i look at the people around me, the true addicts, I'm not one of them, I know it, but I can relate to them right now?
They are the only people who accept me as I am at the moment? Im keeping away from my family and friends mainly for their own benefit as i don't want them to see the disappointment i have become? Id rather be the best of a bad bunch? Its only for a short time, till i figure everything out and get myself sorted again? I don't ant to end up like them, I'm better than that i know it, but things are so hard right now and i don't know how to cope, i don't know how to get through things? Ive always thought things will be better when I'm 27? I don't know why, but I feel lost in life now, like I'm waiting for something, or 27 to come and hit me?
Christmas is just around the corner, I've done nothing and I don't really plan to, i just wish i could disappear from life for a while? I don't want Christmas, its a reminder to me that I'm not a good mum right now, I'm not putting my son first, everything is me me me and still I'm so miserable. I wish someone could cast a magic light showing me where i am meant to be in a years time? At least then I would have some clue about what to do with myself now? I wish i had someone to share the burden with? but what burden, theres nothing i can put into any word other than I'm miserable?
Thats why i turn to Philip and the smack, i feel like they are the only two who understand me, don't judge me and do like me? Its the only time i feel content, when I'm out of my head, crazy wild thoughts running through my mind? I was sat on the sofa with the tooter hanging out of my mouth, glass of pop in my hand (because i cant smoke it with out a drink, its too harsh) and i thought, 'what would people think if they could see me now?' I almost want to get caught so I can talk to someone about what it is my mind cant deal with?
I felt 'bombed' when i had done today, it was really strong stuff, i don't know how i held it together to pick Connor up? I wondered if mum noticed? If she did she never said? I think its crazy, i almost want to scream out at people... "cant you see what I'm doing behind closed doors?! I'm throwing my days away to smoking illegal substances...Class A's, help me stop?!!"
How do you get help though when your not properly addicted? I cant go to the doctors and say "please help me, I smoke heroin, I dont do it often, enough to know I'm screwing up, I'm not physically addicted but I know I should stop, what do I do?' I already know the answers, just say no, stay away, make a conscientious decision to change your life, think of the money you are wasting....blah blah blah blah blah......
All I want to do with my life is work hard and do well, pay my bills, have nice things and hopefully meet somebody. But I can't even do that? My dad is constantly on at me to find somebody and settle down, find a man to look after me and Connor, but its not that easy, I can't just go out and pick some random bloke and say 'right, lets settle down?' I'm not sure its even what I want right now anyway? If I were that desperate to just settle down then surely I would have made a go of it with that Mark?
What a divvy he were. I first met him round a dealers house, never really spoke to him, the second day I see him he gets my number and then the third day hes asking me out for a drink and texting me constantly? I don't know why I agreed to go for a drink with him? its not what I would usually do, but I did....
well you know its bad when you have to pick the bloke up because he don't drive? So thats the first strike against his name?! Before leaving, we (Connor and myself, having him insisting it was a family date?) have to go and meet the parents... yep, no joke, he introduced me to his mother as his new girlfriend?!! Well that was news for me! I only said I would go for a drink with him! His mother freaked me out by saying how lovely I was, how nice it would be to have a little boy in the family to spoil, how magical it would be at Christmas....
Having picked him up I had to then choose where to go and drive there....So I choose a pub about five miles out of town and on the way over he tells me that he has ended a long term relationship to go out with me?!! (So hes dumped his bird of 3 years and introduced me to his mother......God I must be amazing?!)
That was the point I freaked out and made some excuse about taking Connor over to the light display at Matlock. So over in Matlock, walking around he then goes on to tell me how much he likes me and how much he would love a family, it would be great for us to move into one of his parents houses with Connor and start our own family? (this is still a first date and I'm still freaked out and now desperate go get home...alone!?!) I tell him I hate kids and am never having any more?
His family is loaded so he keeps reminding me, (I kept reminding him how much I hate rich people because they are often pretentious and think they can have everything & I'm not that way, I'm not materialistic & I'm not going to date someone because they have a lot of money-I want to work hard and make my own way, however hard & slow it may be?) and his mum would love me and Connor to be with them for Christmas... Would we like to go abroad? He would like to take us to Teneriefe for our first family Christmas, make it special for us... (I hate holidays & I really don't want to go abroad?)
It was about that time that we 'unexpectedly' bumped into my friend (not something I had secretly arranged since meeting his mother! -honest! -Okay so I did but sometimes you just have to help yourself? Right?!) I gave her a quick run-down of the situation and persuaded her she needed to come to Chesterfield for a night out, with that I told him it was time to go... He was absolutely set on coming back to mine for a 'glass of wine' by this point I was so desperate to escape the poor bloke that I said, "theres absolutely no point what so ever in you thinking you are coming back to my place, I am not going to sleep with you, tonight or ever, I do not want you EVER knowing where I live because, for one: I don't want you thinking you can turn up in the middle of the night banging my door down because your drunk, Two: When I get board of you and f**k you off, which I will, I don't want you turning up at mine trying to apologise or whatever? Three: its my son's home and I don't want men round hes not familiar with, and besides I'm going out now with my mate so there will be no-one in anyway?
Personally i thought this was just a tiny bit harsh? But I was stunned when he said, "well can't I just come round while you get ready to go out and then I will go out with you?"
"no, its a girls night tonight, I'll drop you home and see you around?" I told him.
With that I left him stood on his own door step watching my drive away. I really thought that would have been the end of it, but bugger me if he don't keep texting me all night long telling me what a great time he had had and how fantastic he thought Connor is?! So dad when it comes to settling down, if thats the type of bloke that is out there then I don't want to be settled? Maybe I'm just not ready?
I need a direction in life, I need a goal, I need everything. I'm lost in my own head and nobody can help me. I treading a dangerous path, tempting fate and I'm scared I'm going to loose but part of me feels too sure of myself that I wont, and another part doesn't really care? I almost feel like using heroin to get the help I need but I don't know what that help is? I think I'm just in a bad time of my life? It will pass? but no-one can control time so I'll just accept that for now I'm screwed?
Her getting married makes me feel illuminated as the failure I've become? I'm the oldest so I feel it should be making such life-steps before her? Getting married means shes found some-one, shes settled, organised, happy. Shes doing things with her life that I should be doing, but I'm going no-where. I'm in exactly the same position as I was seven years ago? I should at least have done something with my life? But I haven't and even worse, I can't see anything in the near future to anticipate such things? I don't wish Katie any unhappiness, but I think theres so much behind this marriage thats a farce. I personally think she is trying to create for herself, the home/family life we lost because of our bastard step-dad.
She wants the ideal family, don't we all? But I think shes going a bit too far, you cant make whats not there? I also feel like I'm losing her and I think out of all my family shes the one I care about the most, we have been through so much together. I know Ive alienated myself from my family at the moment and its hard, and I don't know how to get back what I had? But this thing of marriage, I feel like its taking her away from me? I don't want to go, I wish I could go to sleep and just wake up and the day be gone? The year gone?
I don't believe for one second that she is going to be happy with her 'husband' for the rest of her life? Shes 21 years old, she should be out having fun, not throwing her life away to marriage? Maybe I'm jealous because I know its something I will never have, I will never have that trust with someone to be able to commit to a full time relationship, I know I wont. Ive had too many bad experiences now, if someone were to ever win me over it would have to be someone pretty amazing and theres no-one like that about, especially not in my circles?
I struggle to get by and to get through everyday. At least now I have got a 9-5 job, (its not Mon-Fri yet, only three days, but its a foot in the door) thats the only thing that can say I'm happy with in my life at the moment, my job, which is pretty sad? I'm swimming in debt, my only savings are those towards my bankruptcy application, I'm on the verge of being evicted, I've got to go to court on December 9th (a week before this f**king wedding) and pay fifteen hundred quid to be able to keep my house. Theres no way Ive got that kind of money, theres no way I can get it? I don't know what I'm going to do? I don't know how I even got into this mess?
Well truth be told I do know. Lack of caring in my behalf, ignorance to priorities and now I've got myself a financially draining hobby. Drugs. Heroin. I don't think its fair to call myself a bag head/smack head just yet but I can see myself standing on the edge of a very slippery cliff top. I'm messing with things I shouldn't be getting involved with and I don't know enough about? I know a fraction of what I should and thats all bad so that to me is a warning to keep away but I just cant help myself? I keep telling myself that I'm in control and I'm not an addict but I can feel it pulling me in?
I feel like I'm leading a double life now, I have got nobody who I can talk to. Not because I don't trust them, but because I don't want to disappoint them, I dont want to admit that Ive become one of life's idiots? I cant see my doctor, I would die of embarrassment and shame, but not only that, I'm not addicted yet. I can take it or leave it, i just choose to take it? I don't think theres anybody that will understand me because I don't understand myself? All I know is that I don't want to be doing it and I try, i really do try not to do it, but when Philip rings me up I just give in. I always promise myself it will be the last time, but it never is?
It just seems so exciting when he phones, hes always got something to say to make me smile and laugh, he makes me feel happy and relaxed, things seem fun and.... I dont know?! When he phoned today I really didn't want to say yes, but somehow he talked me into it, i told him I didn't have much time, but he promised all we needed was twenty minutes, so I said 'go on then, just this once?'
When he came, he already had it and I gave him my half of the money-thats when I wondered why am i doing it? Its not like he even needs the money, hes got his own today? But then I can imagine its not the same doing it on your own? thats when you know you have a problem, when you are smoking it on your own? I wouldn't even know how to do it, how to prepare it or run it or anything and thats the way I plan on staying because I think if I learn to do it on my own, then I will risk getting into a mess?
I phoned my mum and told her I would be a little bit late picking Connor up from her as I had to wait for my mate Emma coming off the bus and give her a lift.... it weren't a lie, but she wasn't on the bus, at least not for another two hours? She knew I had promised to give Emma a lift so she didn't suspect any untruth in my story? I did feel a bit guilty knowing that Connor was waiting for me and I had made him wait, and although I had told him twenty minutes he would in fact be waiting near enough an hour for me?
All that soon disappeared when he flicked the lighter and ran the gear across the foil for me. I hate it when it first hits the back of my throat, it makes me sick, horrible, bitty, brown bile sick, the kind that rips your throat as it comes up? It doesn't take long to forget all that though as it runs through my system, making me feel like I'm on a cloud, floating, away from reality.
My real day to day life is so harsh right now, I know this isn't the answer, I'm not stupid, I know its wrong, but its a release. I feel trapped. I feel stuck in life, trapped by myself, imprisoned in my own unhappiness and theres nothing i can do to get out any time soon? If there was a light at the end of the tunnel, however small I would head towards the light, but as I see it now I'm drowning in darkness thats forever increasing, swamping me and this is a tiny temporary escape. A little candle in a cave of darkness just flickering enough to help me keep my sanity? A secret guilty pleasure? I don't want to fall into the claws of addiction, i look at the people around me, the true addicts, I'm not one of them, I know it, but I can relate to them right now?
They are the only people who accept me as I am at the moment? Im keeping away from my family and friends mainly for their own benefit as i don't want them to see the disappointment i have become? Id rather be the best of a bad bunch? Its only for a short time, till i figure everything out and get myself sorted again? I don't ant to end up like them, I'm better than that i know it, but things are so hard right now and i don't know how to cope, i don't know how to get through things? Ive always thought things will be better when I'm 27? I don't know why, but I feel lost in life now, like I'm waiting for something, or 27 to come and hit me?
Christmas is just around the corner, I've done nothing and I don't really plan to, i just wish i could disappear from life for a while? I don't want Christmas, its a reminder to me that I'm not a good mum right now, I'm not putting my son first, everything is me me me and still I'm so miserable. I wish someone could cast a magic light showing me where i am meant to be in a years time? At least then I would have some clue about what to do with myself now? I wish i had someone to share the burden with? but what burden, theres nothing i can put into any word other than I'm miserable?
Thats why i turn to Philip and the smack, i feel like they are the only two who understand me, don't judge me and do like me? Its the only time i feel content, when I'm out of my head, crazy wild thoughts running through my mind? I was sat on the sofa with the tooter hanging out of my mouth, glass of pop in my hand (because i cant smoke it with out a drink, its too harsh) and i thought, 'what would people think if they could see me now?' I almost want to get caught so I can talk to someone about what it is my mind cant deal with?
I felt 'bombed' when i had done today, it was really strong stuff, i don't know how i held it together to pick Connor up? I wondered if mum noticed? If she did she never said? I think its crazy, i almost want to scream out at people... "cant you see what I'm doing behind closed doors?! I'm throwing my days away to smoking illegal substances...Class A's, help me stop?!!"
How do you get help though when your not properly addicted? I cant go to the doctors and say "please help me, I smoke heroin, I dont do it often, enough to know I'm screwing up, I'm not physically addicted but I know I should stop, what do I do?' I already know the answers, just say no, stay away, make a conscientious decision to change your life, think of the money you are wasting....blah blah blah blah blah......
All I want to do with my life is work hard and do well, pay my bills, have nice things and hopefully meet somebody. But I can't even do that? My dad is constantly on at me to find somebody and settle down, find a man to look after me and Connor, but its not that easy, I can't just go out and pick some random bloke and say 'right, lets settle down?' I'm not sure its even what I want right now anyway? If I were that desperate to just settle down then surely I would have made a go of it with that Mark?
What a divvy he were. I first met him round a dealers house, never really spoke to him, the second day I see him he gets my number and then the third day hes asking me out for a drink and texting me constantly? I don't know why I agreed to go for a drink with him? its not what I would usually do, but I did....
well you know its bad when you have to pick the bloke up because he don't drive? So thats the first strike against his name?! Before leaving, we (Connor and myself, having him insisting it was a family date?) have to go and meet the parents... yep, no joke, he introduced me to his mother as his new girlfriend?!! Well that was news for me! I only said I would go for a drink with him! His mother freaked me out by saying how lovely I was, how nice it would be to have a little boy in the family to spoil, how magical it would be at Christmas....
Having picked him up I had to then choose where to go and drive there....So I choose a pub about five miles out of town and on the way over he tells me that he has ended a long term relationship to go out with me?!! (So hes dumped his bird of 3 years and introduced me to his mother......God I must be amazing?!)
That was the point I freaked out and made some excuse about taking Connor over to the light display at Matlock. So over in Matlock, walking around he then goes on to tell me how much he likes me and how much he would love a family, it would be great for us to move into one of his parents houses with Connor and start our own family? (this is still a first date and I'm still freaked out and now desperate go get home...alone!?!) I tell him I hate kids and am never having any more?
His family is loaded so he keeps reminding me, (I kept reminding him how much I hate rich people because they are often pretentious and think they can have everything & I'm not that way, I'm not materialistic & I'm not going to date someone because they have a lot of money-I want to work hard and make my own way, however hard & slow it may be?) and his mum would love me and Connor to be with them for Christmas... Would we like to go abroad? He would like to take us to Teneriefe for our first family Christmas, make it special for us... (I hate holidays & I really don't want to go abroad?)
It was about that time that we 'unexpectedly' bumped into my friend (not something I had secretly arranged since meeting his mother! -honest! -Okay so I did but sometimes you just have to help yourself? Right?!) I gave her a quick run-down of the situation and persuaded her she needed to come to Chesterfield for a night out, with that I told him it was time to go... He was absolutely set on coming back to mine for a 'glass of wine' by this point I was so desperate to escape the poor bloke that I said, "theres absolutely no point what so ever in you thinking you are coming back to my place, I am not going to sleep with you, tonight or ever, I do not want you EVER knowing where I live because, for one: I don't want you thinking you can turn up in the middle of the night banging my door down because your drunk, Two: When I get board of you and f**k you off, which I will, I don't want you turning up at mine trying to apologise or whatever? Three: its my son's home and I don't want men round hes not familiar with, and besides I'm going out now with my mate so there will be no-one in anyway?
Personally i thought this was just a tiny bit harsh? But I was stunned when he said, "well can't I just come round while you get ready to go out and then I will go out with you?"
"no, its a girls night tonight, I'll drop you home and see you around?" I told him.
With that I left him stood on his own door step watching my drive away. I really thought that would have been the end of it, but bugger me if he don't keep texting me all night long telling me what a great time he had had and how fantastic he thought Connor is?! So dad when it comes to settling down, if thats the type of bloke that is out there then I don't want to be settled? Maybe I'm just not ready?
I need a direction in life, I need a goal, I need everything. I'm lost in my own head and nobody can help me. I treading a dangerous path, tempting fate and I'm scared I'm going to loose but part of me feels too sure of myself that I wont, and another part doesn't really care? I almost feel like using heroin to get the help I need but I don't know what that help is? I think I'm just in a bad time of my life? It will pass? but no-one can control time so I'll just accept that for now I'm screwed?
Tuesday, 13 November 2007
The truth is in the coffee....
I had to laugh the other day when I was at my friends house (an ex user) and I asked her if she wanted a coffee. She said yes, so I boiled the kettle and then asked "how many sugars?" to which she replied..... "oh where am I.... oh yeah 3please?"
??? Where am I? 3 please? I was more than a bit confused so I said to her, "what do you mean?" "well..." she told me, in all seriousness... "if I'm out with people or at SPODA (Supporting Parents Of Drug Addicts support group) then I say 2 or one and a half, depending on who's there, but if I'm at home then I usually pile at least three in."
???Why?! I was more than confused now! "because people look at you, especially as a drug addict or ex-user and expect you to be really sugar hungry and unhealthy, so if you say 2 sugars it looks acceptable, or if you say one and a half it looks like you are really thinking about your health and watching what you consume? Then I make an excuse of needing more hot water, sneak into the kitchen and shovel 3more in!!"
I was doubled over laughing at her and her extreme efforts but shes right!! People have preconceived ideas of what smack heads are and are like, and I think that if you fulfill any of these notions, however small and innocent they are, it automatically creates a barrier or a line of distrust between the ex/user and the notion master, whom is probably sceptically and unfairly wary....?
Which then again makes me wonder, can you ever leave the past truly behind you?
??? Where am I? 3 please? I was more than a bit confused so I said to her, "what do you mean?" "well..." she told me, in all seriousness... "if I'm out with people or at SPODA (Supporting Parents Of Drug Addicts support group) then I say 2 or one and a half, depending on who's there, but if I'm at home then I usually pile at least three in."
???Why?! I was more than confused now! "because people look at you, especially as a drug addict or ex-user and expect you to be really sugar hungry and unhealthy, so if you say 2 sugars it looks acceptable, or if you say one and a half it looks like you are really thinking about your health and watching what you consume? Then I make an excuse of needing more hot water, sneak into the kitchen and shovel 3more in!!"
I was doubled over laughing at her and her extreme efforts but shes right!! People have preconceived ideas of what smack heads are and are like, and I think that if you fulfill any of these notions, however small and innocent they are, it automatically creates a barrier or a line of distrust between the ex/user and the notion master, whom is probably sceptically and unfairly wary....?
Which then again makes me wonder, can you ever leave the past truly behind you?
Wednesday, 7 November 2007
Once a smackhead always a smackhead?
So the bad news today is Pete Doherty is back on the smack?
Which makes me think is it true what people say, once a smackhead always a smackhead?
Its so easy to fall back into. I still have to continuously argue with myself daily, and sometimes its racing through my mind every minute of every day.
I really thought it might have got a bit easier by now?
I can completely understand why people don't break the cycle. To get free of smack you have to be determined, dedicated and ready. You have to know that you are at the end of the line with your relationship with it and that you are certain you want to be done, clean, free. You have to be dedicated to yourself, committed to working towards a better future for yourself? The amount of effort and mental energy that is required is probably about the same as someone who wants to set up their own business?
You have to know that although other people will be there to help you, it ultimately comes down to you, only you can do the actual hard work that is needed to progress. Its you who has to work through all the hard times, put all the ground work in, set goals and tasks and then achieve them. Its you who has to wade through the dark times, who has to fight every inch who has to sacrifice every aspect of your life, which is your comfort zone, you have to up-turn all that, spin it round, shake it up and change it before you settle it back down?
For anyone to do such a thing with their life requires a massive commitment from themselves, to themselves. It requires self belief, will power, desire to grow and change, ability to accept mistakes and learn from them, re-building your own character and life, getting to know yourself, being in tune with your inner self and your feelings, knowing how to deal with things, face things accept mistakes accept yourself.
The irony is of course, that is if smackheads had all these things about them then they would not indeed be in their situation. Being dependent on heroin makes you feel worthless, useless, pathetic, like the scum of society that no-one wants to be connected with.
You loose all hope for the future, there is no future, there is no tomorrow, theres only the here and now. Tomorrow is when you are going to change, when you are going to stop. But tomorrow never comes, it gets lost under the here and now, the never ending present which is the only place you never want to be?
Shame burns you like the summer sun, tinges you and marks you-or so you believe? It brands you, sets you aside from normal people. You walk down the street, paranoid that people are looking at you, reading into your mind, knowing what you are? It prevents you from walking tall, standing proud, laughing loud and smiling like the worlds at your feet, because its not. The truth is your not living. Your existing. Crawling out from under your stone to do your seedy, dirty, scummy deed. Going back under your rock, into your hole to gouge out and rot away precious minutes of your life.
Minutes that other people have lost to illness, death or sacrificed for another's benefit? And there we are, the scum of society, robbing our own futures, our own present, and our own past, tainting our memories, wasting our time, letting life pass us by when we should be grabbing hold with two hands and racing forward doing as much as we can, gaining as much experience creating as many memories as we can. Instead we throw it all away by succumbing to addiction? Theres no life, no future in dependency of a substance, whatever the substance?
The question now is can the cycle be broken? Can a person be stronger than a substance? Its a mind game now, a battle of natures most powerful creation, the mind, against itself. So much is going on, so many thoughts and feelings, contradicting themselves, fighting against each other when they need to be working together? Can a person really over-come such a powerful addiction? Can they really put it behind them? Or will it always be there? Niggling away under the skin, poking at the mind, digging at memories, taunting the future?
I hate the cloud I've created that will now hangover my life forever? I wish I could turn back the clock and have never entered the gateway I stepped through?
But I did, and now I have to accept it and try and make sure that the cloud that hangs, is as high as possible, so it can no longer cast a shadow over my days? And with any luck, maybe my cloud will dry out completely so it can never rain on me again? For now though I think I will carry an umbrella?
x x x
Which makes me think is it true what people say, once a smackhead always a smackhead?
Its so easy to fall back into. I still have to continuously argue with myself daily, and sometimes its racing through my mind every minute of every day.
I really thought it might have got a bit easier by now?
I can completely understand why people don't break the cycle. To get free of smack you have to be determined, dedicated and ready. You have to know that you are at the end of the line with your relationship with it and that you are certain you want to be done, clean, free. You have to be dedicated to yourself, committed to working towards a better future for yourself? The amount of effort and mental energy that is required is probably about the same as someone who wants to set up their own business?
You have to know that although other people will be there to help you, it ultimately comes down to you, only you can do the actual hard work that is needed to progress. Its you who has to work through all the hard times, put all the ground work in, set goals and tasks and then achieve them. Its you who has to wade through the dark times, who has to fight every inch who has to sacrifice every aspect of your life, which is your comfort zone, you have to up-turn all that, spin it round, shake it up and change it before you settle it back down?
For anyone to do such a thing with their life requires a massive commitment from themselves, to themselves. It requires self belief, will power, desire to grow and change, ability to accept mistakes and learn from them, re-building your own character and life, getting to know yourself, being in tune with your inner self and your feelings, knowing how to deal with things, face things accept mistakes accept yourself.
The irony is of course, that is if smackheads had all these things about them then they would not indeed be in their situation. Being dependent on heroin makes you feel worthless, useless, pathetic, like the scum of society that no-one wants to be connected with.
You loose all hope for the future, there is no future, there is no tomorrow, theres only the here and now. Tomorrow is when you are going to change, when you are going to stop. But tomorrow never comes, it gets lost under the here and now, the never ending present which is the only place you never want to be?
Shame burns you like the summer sun, tinges you and marks you-or so you believe? It brands you, sets you aside from normal people. You walk down the street, paranoid that people are looking at you, reading into your mind, knowing what you are? It prevents you from walking tall, standing proud, laughing loud and smiling like the worlds at your feet, because its not. The truth is your not living. Your existing. Crawling out from under your stone to do your seedy, dirty, scummy deed. Going back under your rock, into your hole to gouge out and rot away precious minutes of your life.
Minutes that other people have lost to illness, death or sacrificed for another's benefit? And there we are, the scum of society, robbing our own futures, our own present, and our own past, tainting our memories, wasting our time, letting life pass us by when we should be grabbing hold with two hands and racing forward doing as much as we can, gaining as much experience creating as many memories as we can. Instead we throw it all away by succumbing to addiction? Theres no life, no future in dependency of a substance, whatever the substance?
The question now is can the cycle be broken? Can a person be stronger than a substance? Its a mind game now, a battle of natures most powerful creation, the mind, against itself. So much is going on, so many thoughts and feelings, contradicting themselves, fighting against each other when they need to be working together? Can a person really over-come such a powerful addiction? Can they really put it behind them? Or will it always be there? Niggling away under the skin, poking at the mind, digging at memories, taunting the future?
I hate the cloud I've created that will now hangover my life forever? I wish I could turn back the clock and have never entered the gateway I stepped through?
But I did, and now I have to accept it and try and make sure that the cloud that hangs, is as high as possible, so it can no longer cast a shadow over my days? And with any luck, maybe my cloud will dry out completely so it can never rain on me again? For now though I think I will carry an umbrella?
x x x
Tuesday, 6 November 2007
normal?
I've had a strange couple of days for different reasons than usual? I almost feel like I've been par-taking in a normal life?! I've had a few days off work, but I've been kept busy busy busy!! Of course it was Bonfire night last night. We had a great time with the boys (Connor and his friend Tom) They loved the fireworks and the huge fire and all the hot-dogs and stuff, but more than anything they loved riding on the quad bike around the fire!!
It was so nice to have time together properly, as things should be? Ive still got major issues hanging over my head with things but at least I had chance to let go and relax a little last night?
Today I've had a pretty normal day too. We got up late (which is never good but i still cant sleep? Its 3weeks now and Ive still not settled?) But once up we went to Home base to get the groundsman his paint and stuff, then I nipped home to feed my rabbits # Then school phoned me to collect Connor as they were concerned about a rash that had spread all over his body (after seeing the doctor it was confirmed he just had an allergic reaction to something he has eaten-no idea what-other than maybe a dairy product as he is lactose intolerant?) thankfully there was nothing seriously wrong with him?
I've had a nice quiet walk round town and got spoilt in Ann Summers!! (yippee!! ha!) i love seeing other people doing everyday things now, like walking round town...
At one time I used to dispise people... I would see people going about their everyday business, people who looked like they had never even been drunk let alone high... and I would hate them for being so 'straight' my mind would whirl thinking
'what do these people know about life? About the harshness of reality, about being lost in your own life and yourself, having no control and not knowing if you will ever get control back again? Hating every minute of your life because you are governed by something you resent? Knowing that people see you as the scum of society when really you have worked hard in life but have just fucked up? You hate yourself for hating your life, when really theres people dying out there, or fighting to live, but not for long and you know you put yourself in this position and now you don't like it? Its not easy?
Finish tomorrow, times up for today...
x x x
It was so nice to have time together properly, as things should be? Ive still got major issues hanging over my head with things but at least I had chance to let go and relax a little last night?
Today I've had a pretty normal day too. We got up late (which is never good but i still cant sleep? Its 3weeks now and Ive still not settled?) But once up we went to Home base to get the groundsman his paint and stuff, then I nipped home to feed my rabbits # Then school phoned me to collect Connor as they were concerned about a rash that had spread all over his body (after seeing the doctor it was confirmed he just had an allergic reaction to something he has eaten-no idea what-other than maybe a dairy product as he is lactose intolerant?) thankfully there was nothing seriously wrong with him?
I've had a nice quiet walk round town and got spoilt in Ann Summers!! (yippee!! ha!) i love seeing other people doing everyday things now, like walking round town...
At one time I used to dispise people... I would see people going about their everyday business, people who looked like they had never even been drunk let alone high... and I would hate them for being so 'straight' my mind would whirl thinking
'what do these people know about life? About the harshness of reality, about being lost in your own life and yourself, having no control and not knowing if you will ever get control back again? Hating every minute of your life because you are governed by something you resent? Knowing that people see you as the scum of society when really you have worked hard in life but have just fucked up? You hate yourself for hating your life, when really theres people dying out there, or fighting to live, but not for long and you know you put yourself in this position and now you don't like it? Its not easy?
Finish tomorrow, times up for today...
x x x
Monday, 5 November 2007
Three weeks in......
I've had a few days away from here but not for anything bad, although I have had some trying moments!
Friday went pleasantly easy once again. I popped down to Derby to visit friends who had Connor over to stay for the night. It was so nice to see them again and when I looked at their house and then thought of mine, it brought home to me exactly how much time and money I have been wasting these last several months. When I came home I made a promise to myself to sort things out from scratch and get back on top of things?
Thing is its easy to say and daunting to do! So yes I have made myself a promise and I know what I need to do, but I've yet to make a start because I'm scared of actually doing it? Theres things I don't want to have to deal with and face just yet so I'm postponing it for a little while longer...... probably not the best plan, but I have good intentions...
I do know that in order for me to accomplish my goals I will have to stop running away from things and deal with them, but as it stands today, it's still a bit raw and a bit soon? I will deal with things very soon but not just yet. What I will do (sudden inspiration just over-came me) is, I will make a list of what I need to do & how I need to do things? A list is a start?!
Anyway, back to what I have been doing...
On Friday the bank robbed me, charged me 96quid over-night, despite telling me I was in credit and had nothing going out, so Saturday morning I played hell.... today they ring me up, apologise for their 'mistake' and say they will give me 36quid back? So they put me 46 over drawn, left me 59 pounds worth of unpaid bills and charge me 60quid for it? So I've lost 160 quid in one night for nothing?! Could I be anymore pissed off!
On Saturday we went out round town and had a fantastic time celebrating Abi's birthday. Although I found the whole day extremely hard to get through, every minute was a battle to keep myself away from temptation? I was at work in the morning, then I spent the afternoon doing bits and in town and stuff, and I constantly had a chaperone...mainly because i didn't trust myself and i thought it best to have someone around me, not only to distract me but to prevent me from being able to do anything should i have tried?
Whilst getting ready to go out I actually said to my sister that I was surprised at myself that I had made it all through the day with out doing anything? I think it's because I'm going out and its what I expect to do? It's the best time to have it, when you have had a drink? Its so much nicer and the effects are so much better? And its a fantastic hang over cure? So I defiantly miss it when I go out? But saying that I have been out twice and each time I have not prepared myself with it? I have managed to resist the temptation of having it there with me or to come home to?
Sunday was hard too, especially when I didn't have my tablets and I had to wait to go home! However, I have been managing on very little, I had 2mg on Friday, 2mg on Saturday and 4mg
on Sunday!
I have to cut this short now, time to go and all, but I've decided now that what I want to try and do (with all my spare time I have now got, now I'm free from the claws of addiction!) I want to try and write some kind of book/story of my experiences? But I'm going to approach it from a different angle I think? Mainly because I feel like I'm trapped in a constant battle with myself. There's the side of me that is what I am and what I do and there's the other side, which is what I want to be doing or am thinking of doing?
With this on mind and my experience itself I'm going to make a book of sorts from it? I also want to join a drugs support group for parents, so i can turn my knowledge gained from experience into something to help other people? Well that's what I'd like but it depends if anyones interested enough to want to know about it i suppose?!!
That's all for now, I cant wait to do a proper entry sometime soon, when I have more time!
x x x x
Friday went pleasantly easy once again. I popped down to Derby to visit friends who had Connor over to stay for the night. It was so nice to see them again and when I looked at their house and then thought of mine, it brought home to me exactly how much time and money I have been wasting these last several months. When I came home I made a promise to myself to sort things out from scratch and get back on top of things?
Thing is its easy to say and daunting to do! So yes I have made myself a promise and I know what I need to do, but I've yet to make a start because I'm scared of actually doing it? Theres things I don't want to have to deal with and face just yet so I'm postponing it for a little while longer...... probably not the best plan, but I have good intentions...
I do know that in order for me to accomplish my goals I will have to stop running away from things and deal with them, but as it stands today, it's still a bit raw and a bit soon? I will deal with things very soon but not just yet. What I will do (sudden inspiration just over-came me) is, I will make a list of what I need to do & how I need to do things? A list is a start?!
Anyway, back to what I have been doing...
On Friday the bank robbed me, charged me 96quid over-night, despite telling me I was in credit and had nothing going out, so Saturday morning I played hell.... today they ring me up, apologise for their 'mistake' and say they will give me 36quid back? So they put me 46 over drawn, left me 59 pounds worth of unpaid bills and charge me 60quid for it? So I've lost 160 quid in one night for nothing?! Could I be anymore pissed off!
On Saturday we went out round town and had a fantastic time celebrating Abi's birthday. Although I found the whole day extremely hard to get through, every minute was a battle to keep myself away from temptation? I was at work in the morning, then I spent the afternoon doing bits and in town and stuff, and I constantly had a chaperone...mainly because i didn't trust myself and i thought it best to have someone around me, not only to distract me but to prevent me from being able to do anything should i have tried?
Whilst getting ready to go out I actually said to my sister that I was surprised at myself that I had made it all through the day with out doing anything? I think it's because I'm going out and its what I expect to do? It's the best time to have it, when you have had a drink? Its so much nicer and the effects are so much better? And its a fantastic hang over cure? So I defiantly miss it when I go out? But saying that I have been out twice and each time I have not prepared myself with it? I have managed to resist the temptation of having it there with me or to come home to?
Sunday was hard too, especially when I didn't have my tablets and I had to wait to go home! However, I have been managing on very little, I had 2mg on Friday, 2mg on Saturday and 4mg
on Sunday!
I have to cut this short now, time to go and all, but I've decided now that what I want to try and do (with all my spare time I have now got, now I'm free from the claws of addiction!) I want to try and write some kind of book/story of my experiences? But I'm going to approach it from a different angle I think? Mainly because I feel like I'm trapped in a constant battle with myself. There's the side of me that is what I am and what I do and there's the other side, which is what I want to be doing or am thinking of doing?
With this on mind and my experience itself I'm going to make a book of sorts from it? I also want to join a drugs support group for parents, so i can turn my knowledge gained from experience into something to help other people? Well that's what I'd like but it depends if anyones interested enough to want to know about it i suppose?!!
That's all for now, I cant wait to do a proper entry sometime soon, when I have more time!
x x x x
Thursday, 1 November 2007
just a note..
just a little one because im stuck for time today having been at work all day and now iv got a sick child to spend the evening with....
I'm still doing ok, this sleeping thing is driving me mad.....
The lady who works in Boots is so lovely, she told me the other day that when i went in that first week i made her cry because she so wanted me to be better and she hated seeing me so ill.... how sweet is that?!!!
Must be off for now but i have got things to say so i will do it tomorrow?
x x x
I'm still doing ok, this sleeping thing is driving me mad.....
The lady who works in Boots is so lovely, she told me the other day that when i went in that first week i made her cry because she so wanted me to be better and she hated seeing me so ill.... how sweet is that?!!!
Must be off for now but i have got things to say so i will do it tomorrow?
x x x
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