Its the middle of the afternoon and I'm still in bed, but not my own bed, I'm in some Premier Inn hotel room in Oxford... I ask myself what am I doing here?
Well basically I went round to mums at tea-time yesterday and everyone was there. Mum and the girls and Katie and her 'soon to be husband' and their son Corey all sat round the dinner table together with my Connor having a family tea that I think Katie had made for them?
Apparently they had arranged some time last week to all get together for this, but no-one ever mentioned it to me? Now I can take a hint, so if that wasn't a hint so highlight the fact that I'm pushed out from the family then I don't know what is? It really pissed me off to be fair that they either hadn't thought to include me, or had purposely secluded me? I don't care what they say, they can not claim to have 'forgotten' to ask me, thats a lame excuse when you are going to the trouble of getting all the family together, you don't just forget one member?
What upset me even more was that when I turned up, I could tell they were wishing I hadn't, kind of like I had rumbled their secret? But they could have redeemed themselves and invited me to join them, surely that wouldn't have hurt? Apparently so though because barely anyone spoke to me and it was made clear that my presence was making the atmosphere uncomfortable, so I got my Connor sorted for the night, said goodbye to him and told mum I couldn't stay as I was working early tonight.
I then got in the car, drove to the bank, withdrew hundred quid and phoned my mate Paul, who is working down Oxford. I phoned work and told them I was sick and then went to meet Paz... Paul had already phoned him and told him to meet me ASAP. So I drove up to the pub and waited in the car park. Luckily I didn't have to wait too long before I saw Paz emerge from the alleyway. He jumped in the car and I drove him back round to his house, while I was driving he sorted out my 'order' two point fours and half a tee of B's.
When back at his bedsit, he invited me in for a quick pipe, never one to say no to a pipe I quickly went inside. As I thought about my mum and sisters all sat round the table eating their family dinner together I had to fight the tears away. I should have been there with them, not sat here in some scummy bedsit smoking crack? Had I been given the choice, I would have swapped places straight away, but there was no choice, my family don't want me and thats that. So I had 3/4 pipes, enough to feel wired and then I set off on the two hour drive down south.
All the way down I kept thinking, this is crazy, I can't afford to be doing this for a start but more so than that I don't want to be doing it? But no way was I prepared to be sat at home, alone, wallowing in self pity about how my family are gradually cutting my out bit by bit to the point now that I don't even know that much about them any more?
The rain was horrendous driving down and part of me kept thinking 'I wish I could crash and die? Get out of their lives and do them a favor?' But where would that leave my Connor if I did? I know Katie would do a good job of bringing him up, but I don't want him growing up and hating me, which he probably would do, and will do any way?
It took just under 2hours to get to Oxford and the second I saw Paul I felt happy. I don't know what it is about him, about just being around him that makes me happy, but whatever it is, its the thing that keeps me going at all right now?
As he met me in the car park, his enthusiasm was infectious! It was getting late but he was so excited to see me and for once I felt like somebody wanted to see me, to hear what I had to say, listened when I spoke and asked me about how I was, what I was doing....all normal things that people take for granted, but all things that never happen to me anymore?
As we sat on the bed in the hotel room I felt like a naughty school child! There were no smoking signs all around the room, and here we were smoking crack and smack and giggling like teenagers at the buzz of doing something forbidden and getting away with it!!
After the two hour drive we had smoked almost everything in about twenty mins, saving a little smack for the morning.... then we just lay in bed with the T.V on, hugging as we talked about the rubbish that was floating round our heads? It was so nice to be away from everyone and I can only think that if they had noticed that I had gone away, which I know they hadn't because they all think I'm at work? But had they noticed they would all probably be happier that I'm out the way anyway?
Where have I gone wrong? How do I get back my family? I don't know how its come to this and I don't know how to fix it?
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