November 27th 2007 & 2006

If I had to choose three words to describe myself today I would have... frustrated.... no I'll have two... Immensely frustrated and I can't really think of an appropriate third? (so why did I do this?!) Apart from bored? I really think that maybe I am going through a significant phase of my life? I can't explain it, but I constantly have this strange feeling inside of me, almost like apprehension, like I'm waiting for something?

I can't explain too well, but it's almost like I'm sat in a box, high high up on a cliff top, balanced precariously, and while I'm in this box, I'm searching for something? Though what it is I'm not quite sure as yet? But while I search I'm in danger of making my box unbalance and then fall off the edge, disappearing into the vast nothingness below? Should I find what I'm looking for then... well I don't know? nothing really? Except I'm OK? Maybe whatever it is I find, will be the answer for what comes next?

Sometimes I find that writing this is a real help, it makes me understand things, rationalise and reason things? Makes sense of all the things that cloud my mind and my thoughts? But other times..... like now, I find it hard? My mind is a daunting place right now, there's a mass of things in there that i need to deal with, but I can't? There's also a lot of things I've addressed lately, I've made changes and made sense of dominating negative issues? Almost as if I have been struck by a bolt of clarity? Suddenly a light has switched on and now I am beginning to make friends with my mind and its hoardes of demons?

I don't know what it is at the moment that makes me feel like this, I feel kind of down, isolated and unmotivated? No unmotivated is not right, more passive? My mind goes off to a place of it's own, drowning in thoughts as if scurrying through the memories trying to piece everything together to make a structure to hold everything in place in the future? All the time my mind is working on different levels, whilst doing the everyday things that need to be done, the here and now, there's a sub-current running underneath, niggling away and distracting me from giving a 100% to any one thing?

I keep saying it, but I feel like I'm about to turn a major corner in life? I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but I feel so unsettled in myself? Am I unhappy? Probably? but that's
not it? I don't feel like I'm doing enough with myself? There's more to be done and I want to do it, but I wouldn't even know where to start?

This time last year I was in much the same position as I am now? I had had my face to face with Gary and vowed to regain control of my life? I made a conscientious effort to stay away from drugs, from the people involved in it and the baggage that came with it? It was hard and everyday I did stay away, for 10 days which was pathetic really? I went to bed feeling proud, but also like I was missing something? It might sound silly to say i felt I was missing something, but that's how it was? This might sound even sillier, but I can recognise now, that my problem with heroin was the comfort factor? It was the activity itself, the smoking, not the drug or its effects? It I could have coffee and had the choice to drink it or toot it, either way I would be having the same reaction that in-taking coffee gives you... I would still, even today, choose to toot it? Because thats what is the root of my addiction. I know this as fact too, not just analysing it. When theres been the odd occasion of crack being around, I always opt to toot that, not have it on the pipe which is what most people do, (the correct way to smoke it?) I think the reason being, when I first started on the gear I always had it run for me? So I probably subconciously associate tooting with being taken care of, which is where I draw comfort from? ( I must be a nutter!?!)

I ended up with a physical addiction and eventually had to have it everyday because that is what my body required in order to function 'normally' but November 2006 I had been dabbling for almost a year and though i didn't realise it at that point, I did have an addiction, but it was mental. I didn't suffer any illness when I didn't have it, I just missed the comfort of the false feelings of safety and protection it gave me. I was vulnerable back then, maybe even depressed? I'm not sure? But I certainly didn't have a physical addiction?

I had made a promise to myself to stay 'clean' and looking back now, if I am honest, I can say it was the third time in the first year I had had to go out of my way to make an effort to stay in control? The warning signs were there, I should have taken notice and run a mile in the opposite direction, I was a fool to thing I could stay in control of a substance that has ruined so many peoples lives, and people far greater than me.

The first time I experienced a 'rattle' was about 3months or so after i first started experimenting. In fact, because this is all based on honesty I can say that it was February 19th 2006... In the weeks leading up to that date I had been smoking heroin every day, at least three times a day for about....only 3weeks? No more than 3weeks anyway, and by that I mean waking up with it at the side of the bed, having about £15 worth each (I was dependant on someone else running it for me back then-I refused to learn how so that I wouldn't become addicted????) At various points throughout the day we would be smoking it, we hung around in those circles so there was always plenty of it about. The day always ended with a nice relaxing toot, before falling to sleep for the night?

It was only having been at a birthday party one night (party of our main dealer) and we were chatting rubbish as you do whilst high from vast amounts of crack cocaine, drunk from a 15hour bender and having our last smoke of the night, that I realised I couldn't remember the last day I had gone the whole day without having a toot? When I worked out the it was near enough three weeks ago I decided then that it was time to sort myself out.

The following morning I woke up, feeling rough and divided to finish what gear we had in the house and that would be it for a while, until it was long out my system so that i would be sure I wasn't getting addicted.... and I did it. I didn't touch anymore for a good few weeks... at least 6 or so, which is a big change and hard to do. But I suffered too. My first day 'clean' was a Monday morning and I wasn't too great at all, but it was manageable to a degree? I managed to get up and have a bath, but the cold burnt my skin and my bones hurt with an indescribable pain/discomfort.

On the Tuesday I had an appointment at the bank and I really had to fight to get myself to go. It was unusually hot weather for that time of year but I was chilled to the bone and Connor's dad had to take me into town because no way was i fit to drive? After my appointment I went home and fell back into bed where i stayed for pretty much the whole of the next day too.

By Thursday I was feeling considerably better, still off colour, but I no longer felt like I has the Flu? I should have taken that experience and etched it in my mind, it would have saved me from so much in the future? Back then I said that was easily the worst I have ever felt and I never wanted to have to go through anything like that again. I still stand by that now, because up until that point it was, horrific!

So after going through that what on earth ever made me pick up the tooter again? I really do not know?! I think it must have been a combination of low self esteem, maybe depression, looking for something in myself and getting lost on the journey?! Then on top of that was my extreme naivety? Thinking that because I had been through that then I would recognise the signs in future and then be able to make sure that I kept myself safe?

God I was pretty stupid really?! So throughout the summer of 2006 I had the odd bit here and there, usually with a bit of crack, but for some reason I never had a problem with that? It is addictive in that you always want more but if you can hold out for an hour or so for that to pass then I find I'm not that bothered about it anymore?

Towards the end of 2006 I was still very much a part time user, but what I had begun to notice was that on the occasions when I did have it (usually a Friday night as a regular thing and then it became a Wednesday night regular thing all too quickly?) The next day I would be very irritable and edgy, so when someone offered me a bit of Meth just to take the edge off, i found it was not only helpful in alleviating my symptoms, but also it was a nicer high than the gear, and depending how much I had, it lasted substantially longer too!!

When I sit and think today about how my life was headed and where I'm at today I cam say that I do feel like I have made positive changes and I'm so glad I did, though it was hard to admit that I did have a problem, and I was no longer in control. That was the hardest part and i think its fair to say that I didn't really admit it as such, It was literally dragged out of me and at first I only went through the motions to keep Craig happy.

I really believed I could sort myself out before I needed professional help, or once i had asked for it I still thought I could do it on my own before the ball started rolling so to speak? The last twelve months have been a turbulent roller coaster of experiences. I know I'm not in the clear yet, far from it, but the important thing is that this time last year I was just starting the decline of my life's slippery slope, now I have found my feet again and I am getting back to the top of that hill and thankfully its on the other side?

What i did I can't change and I don't regret, but I think I need to use this to not only to better myself, but to make a complete 360 with my life? I look at people I know that are still on smack and I want to shake them till the sense hits them! I get so infuriated when they say 'I'll go to the doctors next week, or i will phone tomorrow...' Or what annoys me even more is when someone says... 'I'm fed up of this, never having any money, I need to sell some Meth and then I will be sorted for a couple of days?'
..........AAAAhhhhh!!!!!

WHY!! I don't understand that!?! I find it hard to accept that people won't change just because I want them to? I want to fix the world, but I got enough problems trying to fix myself?! I know what my issues are, and I know what I want from life. I now have goals and ambitions, but that doesn't make it easy for me? I think my ambitions are too ambitious, unobtainable and because of the position I have put myself in now, I think they are going to be even harder to achieve, virtually impossible to be honest, and I'm not sure I'll ever do it, but I'm prepared try, prepared to put the effort in and work hard. I want the challenge, I want the mental stimulation, I want the focus, I want the goal.

I feel frustrated with my life right now, that I'm wasting it, even more than i threw it away. I feel everything is passing me by, there's things to do, new things to learn and to experience and I'm stuck doing the same old same old? What worries me now is that I think that I could have avoided all this past mess I got into had I just dealt with things and talked about things that were on my mind back then, but I have never been good at talking to people. I think that if you talk to people it lets them inside your mind and that allows them to get close to the person you are inside. Once you allow a person that closeness they are then free to hurt and betray you in the worst possible ways and that's a chance I am not prepared to take with anybody any time soon? Not anybody.