Recognising my problem **November 22nd 2006**

I think I have a problem? Maybe? Isn't that what addicts say when they are trying to rectify their live? Trying to pull back the fragments of their splintered lives?
Its a Wednesday night, in fact its Wednesday November 22nd 2006... the reason I write this is I feel it's going to be significant to me at a later date? When I look back through my diary I know this page, or should I say these pages are going to stand out screaming at me....?

Why do I think that? Because I have just had the worst night ever?

As I sit on my bed & cry, I want the world to make me disappear? I want life to be gone but still be alive? I want time to have changed, I want me to be gone and swapped with the person I should be? If I could write myself, my life, away then I would and I would do it right now?
So why do I sit here & cry?
Because the truth hurts? Because the truth is too had to handle? Because if someone else can tell you how badly you are screwing up the it must be so obvious to the people who should be close to me, the ones I have now made the outsiders?

Everything was going fine, but I had to screw it up? How? By thinking I could control something that controls and destroys so many other people? I don't know why I decided to, but tonight I met Paul and we went halves on a 20 bag of gear, I knew I would be seeing Gary tonight so I purposely didn't have too much.
What an idiot I am though? I shouldn't have had any? But I did? Why did I? I don't know?
Basically I got pretty hammered. I thought I could hold it together? At least for a couple of hours? But no.

When Gary walked in I was asleep on the sofa....gouging out... and straight away he said to me, "Liane what are you doing?" I tried to pass off that I was just tired but he wasn't having any of it? It took a matter of ten minutes to reduce me to an uncontrollable sobbing wreck?
I can't remember everything of what he said, but it was enough.

Enough to hit a raw nerve, though everything is raw at the moment? Enough to knock me sideways, so to speak? It hurt so much to have to sit there and have someone throw the truth at me and slap me round the face with it?

What am I doing? That's what I'm beginning to wonder? It seems that more often than not I'm choosing to have gear now? Why? There is no real reason I don't think? There must be? I don't know?
"you're someone who could do something with you're life if you wanted to?' He told me. "I sit & look at you & I don't know the person I am seeing anymore? I just see this zombie staring back at me, mindless, brain dead, unable to string a sentence together. That's not the Liane I know, that's not the person everybody knows and loves is it? Why would you do this to yourself? Why would you choose to do this to Connor? He doesn't want his mum like this. How can you give him what he needs when you're in such a state"

I didn't have the energy to argue back that I don't get like this when Connor is about, & besides, I knew that he would only argue that it's only a mater of time? Is it? Is it only a matter of time before I get like this and he starts to notice? Am I so obviously hammered that anyone can tell? I know sometimes I have been but I have passed it off as being drunk? Am I the fool, thinking that everyone around me doesn't notice?

"No-one else will tell you what a mess you are" he continued "Your idiot smack head junkie scum friends won't want to tell you and probably are too fucked to even notice, your family, they might be scared of upsetting you or your real friends might be worried you will fall out with them? But listen to me, I'm a real friend to you Liane and I'm not scared to tell you, you are a mess, I don't care if you fall out with me because while you are like this I don't want to be your friend, and I would rather cut ties now and get used to life without you, that way it won't hurt so much when I'm saying goodbye, putting you in the ground? I might cut you off completely from now until then, I'll turn my head as you walk past in the street, and only look back when I know you can't see me looking? But I will find out when it happens, when its too late to say enough's enough, and I will be there, to watch that little boy of yours cry as his mum is dropped six feet under in a box, never to hold his hand, laugh with him or dry the tears from his face again? I hope its worth it? I hope your happy being high? Goodbye Liane"

And with that he turned and walked out he door, leaving me crying. Crying tears that I can't stop. Floods and floods of tears, each one trying to wash away the memory it holds? Tears that are full of the heartache and pain that swamps my mind. I torture myself with the past, constantly going over when and how my life went wrong? Punishing myself on a daily basis for things that happened so long ago, Things I can't change and things I can't accept?

If ever someone could say something to slap me in the face and wake me up it was Gary with those words? Hes right? I'm making such a big mistake with my life? I keep saying I'm in control but now I need to prove it, to myself first, because right now I'm not so sure about myself? I won't die from it, I won't let it get me like that I know it, but if it had been said 12 months ago that it would be like this now, I never would have believed it?

I was always so against drugs of any sorts, so how have I been so easily lead into this? Why didn't I notice it happening? Well that's it now, I'm staying away, I don't need them, I don't need this, I need to be a good mum to my Connor first and that's what I'm going to do. I feel so excluded from my family at the moment, so isolated, I've got no-one I can talk to and I think that's what I need?

The few friends I did think I can trust have already proved me wrong? I know they think they were doing it for my own benefit, but I told them things in confidence and they went behind my back and told the people I wanted to protect from knowing the truth? So it looks like I'm in this on my own now? It's going to be hard I know, but I can do this, I know I can because I want to.

If I could have one wish come true right now, it would be 'to be able to feel like my family loved me?' I never get phone calls any more, I certainly don't get invited anywhere any more. I know my sister would rather not have me at the wedding and truth be known I would rather not go, but how can I tell her that and how can she ask me not to go? I know my sisters visit each other, and they never ask me to go? My mum never rings to see if I want to go round? I never even get a text message anymore? I don't think they realise how alone I feel? How alone I am? Until my wish comes true, I'm on my own?