The lies and life of an honest smackhead

When enough is enough & your only friend is failiure

2008-05-20T02:59:00.000-07:00

There are times when i feel i've screwed up beyond repair, that there is no 'road to recovery' only the end of the path i stumbeled upon. I think this is what i was destined for, never anything different, certainly never anything better?

There are days when i feel like im swimming against the tide, but its when those days are the only days you know, they wash over and swallow you, the person you once were is lost in the tide. Washed out to sea. & i cant swim?

I dont know what im meant to do to, i know what i want but it will never happen. I feel like my whole life has been a struggle & a fight & i really have had enough. I felt like i had had enough years ago, & as time has gone on i have only been worn down more, beaten a bit harder.

I dont belong anywhere & i have nowhere to run to.

Everything is so hard & i dont know if any of it is worth fighting for?

I think of my life before drugs.... & it was still shit, i still worked hard for nothing. I didnt get anywhere, i didnt have anyhting or do anyhting to be proud of.... Then theres the life of a junkie. No-one expects anything from you, i still had nothing & certainly did nothing to be proud of. The only difference is i didn't have to face it. I could hide behind the barrier that being a junkie created, & all those hours lost in a world of my own, where nothing of any sense pentrates, lost in a place far far away in the back of my own mind.... i liked that place?

I dont know what im meant to do, or how im supposed to go through life? I often wish i could just disappear, i know no-one would notice for a little while at least. Quite often lately i have turned my phone off for days because i feel i cant face the world or anyone in it.... and when i do switch back on a few days later.... nothing.

Not a missed call or a text from anyone? But what do i expect? Im hardly the best person to be around? Then when i do get people texting me, i worry, i think they are all conspiring behind my back, concocting plans to try & catch me out?

Sometimes i just feel so down, like everything is too much? iv lost all interest in anything. Even writing this, my head aches, bursting with all the thoughts running round inside, i want to get them out, to make people understand, but whats the point?

Iv so much racing through my head it hurts, but iv no interest in anything at he moment. Part of me wants to go score, & to smoke my head away into the clouds. Another part of me cant even be bpthered to eat a biscuit to help ease these burning hunger pains which are cramping my stomach, or take some paracetamol for this horrendous toothache i still got.

My skin is tingling, every nerve ending feels almost alive, its not nice, each time i move it feels like my skin is crawling over my bones. I should take my tablets, but i dont want to, i want to hide away, float on that proverbial cloud & just have a tiny bit of time where everything is nothing.
My only friend in life is failiure it seems, so why try to be something im not? I should just accept & lean to live with it?

Lost days

2008-03-25T04:50:00.000-07:00

Ive lost a day somewhere?
I wrote a post the other day and i swear it published.... but its not there? Maybe i were meant to forget that day?
It were nothing too fantastic, probably more moaning?

I feel a bit strange today... iv had my first 24 well probably about 27 hours clean.... clean clean clean.....
Im on a bit of a bet thing with Craig to cut my tablets down, and in return he will cut his shopping..... So i decided that we would both half our 'addictions' though i try to explain to him that mine will make me physically ill to just stop, he cant understand that, reckons its all in my head, to which i said to him.... why are you eating breakfast?
'because im hungry' he said
'dont be stupid it is alllll in your head' i told him...
he didn't find it as funny as i did? He cant see the difference?
Also doesn't understand that he can just stop shopping and the only void will be in his head, not his life!!?!
I understand his ignorance because i accept my addiction!

So we decided to cut down... i had nothing since 9am yesterday morning, if not before?
I feel a bit anxious now and it is driving me mad, its all i can think about? Im cold today and i have to argue with my mind that the reason i am cold is because the temperature is low, not because i need tablets!!

Even so, il feel better when Ive had one!

Its kinda like a game now, im constant clock watching, adding the minutes to me 'clean' record but knowing im going to break it soon.... but breaking it isn't a bad thing... im holding out against the immense irritation and agitation i feel when i need medication, the chills and shudders come creeping over me reminding me my body is still addicted,

Having a tablet is my reward, i will feel better when i have had one i Will be able to relax for another 24 hours and i know now that i can do it, and longer and still feel ok?!

Okay so i went til 3pm today.... that's 31 hours!!

I got abit anxious but i did it and i know i can do it and i feel more optimistic about the days ahead, i feel i have turned a corner, defiantly...

YIPPEE!!!!!

One year of hell... the day i became a smackhead

2008-03-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

Well today is the day that i actually became a proper smackhead, well not today, i mean one year ago today? Not many people can probably name the actual day they became addicted to something, but i know....
The reason i know is because of the chain of events that led upto it,
Friday was payday so i had half a bag with Emma, Saturday we went out and i had half a bag, the sunday i had the other half of saturdays bag...
Monday was Emmas boyfriend Jamies payday, so i had to take her over Matlock, she had a bag and J gave me one for taking her, Tuesday was her payday so we had another, Wednesday was her birthday so we had one in the evening and one when we came in from clubbing, Thursday i had the remainder of the night before's, then we were back to another Friday and another payday.
Saturday we were out on the lash so i had to have one... it helped cure the hangover... The Sunday i had 'friends' round for the afternoon & one of them was/is a dealer so had loads of gear on him so i smoked about three bags, the most i had ever had in any one time... & thats when i saw a problem coming because i knew i had been 'over-indulgent' all week and would be feeling too rough to go to work the next morning, so i made sure i bought a bag and had it there for the morning so i could get up & go to work...

I felt bad doing that, i felt even worse in the morning when i was sat in bed at 7am 'chasing the dragon' but i had no choice.
I didn't want to phone in sick or be off work, i had no Meth & i could not have gone to work rattling, apart from raising suspicion i would have probably have ended up being sent home, so i would have been back to square one?
So i had to just have a bit to put me on so i could function well enough to go to work

And thats how it all started

Thats when i went from recreational to addict

The point where heroin took control of me & told me when i needed, not wanted it.... needed it.

My life ruined.

Like a train going off the tracks, only i knew it, i could see it happening, i could see exactly where i was heading, but i didn't stop myself?

Even now i think back & i dont know why?
I recognised the problem but i let it draw me in deeper and deeper, until i could no longer just turn around.

I set myself on a very rocky path, at that point, exactly a year ago today i could have took control of myself, my senses and said No- this is enough, i want better, i could have stopped it then. I SHOULD have stopped then?
But WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY did i carry on?

I think that all my life i have been destined to have this experience, its something i cant explain, something i dont understand, but it has always been a shadow lurking over my head from a ridiculously young age and because of that that is the only reason i can think in my own mind as to why i didn't turn & run when i should have?

I look back at my diaries that i wrote at the time and i know i was so unhappy with everything- like i am these days i think? The things that haunt me haven't changed, they have been there for many many years whether i have been clean/happy/sad or a junkie.... I know i felt completely isolated from my friends & from my family, i found that so hard to deal with?
With heroin i was able to forget the world, spend my hours mentally suspended floating in mid-air, thinking nothing, feeling nothing. My mind would drift away to places of no-where....

And not just that, but the whole phoning up to score, meeting some-one and then taking it home and smoking it with some-one... it kind of made me feel wanted... someone wanted to meet me, to spend time with me, to come round my house, to see me, chat with me....
Only instead of drinking tea & eating biscuits we would be smoking that shit.... but it didn't matter because it meant that for that short space of time i had a friend, someone to talk to, to have a moan to, to.... anything, because if i weren't doing that i would have had nothing. I would have been sat at home, alone, getting more and more depressed by the minute?

I was already pretty down, without sat wallowing on my own for hours on end every evening?

I dont know why i felt so isolated? I just did, sometimes still do?
I feel like im the burden of the family, the one who got it all wrong and will never get it right?
Im the one my sisters are meant to look up to, and what example and i setting? It was bad enough a year ago, but now i got this title under my belt to pull me down even more? One things for sure, im nothing to be proud of?

Thats what i think to myself. Ive let myself down and my family down, big time.
Right from the start i messed up. I should have got myself a proper job from college, a career to focus on, something to help me make my mark for the future, but i didn't i got pregnant and 11weeks after giving birth i was on my own.

A single parent 2 weeks before my 19th birthday. That's nothing to be proud of.
And its held me back from that very day.
Ive got no-where in life and i don't think i ever will. I got so much i want to do,would like to do, things i would like to achieve and i have to stop myself from thinking because i know they will never happen, I'm just letting myself down by letting myself dream.
My son is 9years old this year and i have never even managed to take him on a holiday?
My car failed its MOT and i have to get rid of it, that was four weeks ago and i still haven't got a new one sorted yet, I'm nearly thirty years old and i cant seem to manage myself?
I bury my head in the sand from a lot of my problems and they just keep coming back.

I get so depressed about things and i don't know why because i ant change them? I think awful awful things sometimes? I wonder if anyone would even notice if i weren't here? They would eventually, but i bet i could disappear for a good few days, maybe even weeks before anyone noticed?
I feel such a failure, i have let myself down so badly, and my poor son, what kind of future has he got with me in charge? None, because whatever i do i seem to mess up, i cant control things on a day to day basis so how can i do right for his whole life?
I don't know how to go right, to out right? I dont think i can?
Theres to many things that haunt my mind and pull me down, too many things that taunt my mind repeatedly. I might be ok for a day or two but then im get this feeling of uselessness again, well its more a reality check i suppose. I spend a few days dreaming, thinking i can make thing alright but then reality hits me and i realise I'm fooling myself?

And now on top of all this i got peoples judgements of me being a smack head. Labelled scum, treated like I'm untrustworthy, a thief, dirty and below people. Who are they to judge me?
But they do
And it hurts
Its hard to face people knowing what they think, knowing what they say behind my back?
And i have to pretend to not know, and to smile and to be pleasant towards them?
I think to myself, il show them...
But how can i ?
By not going back on drugs? So what, they don't care if i do or if i don't? So whats to show?

What is happy?
How do you get happy? How do you feel you are doing right? I think back 10years and i cant think of one moment, not one, where i an say i have been happy with my life? Where i have made life work for me?
I don't get it
I don't understand it?
I don't see the point?
I don't know what I'm meant to do?

I don't know why i find everything so hard?
I'm tired of things as they are, and when they change... nothing changes?

I wish i knew what i was meant to do, where I'm meant to go? Would i have been any happier if i had turned my life down a different path 366 days ago?
I don't think so?
I think it just gave me a year 'off' a year to runaway and hide from things?
But now I'm still stood facing them? So I'm no better off?
In fact now things are harder because Ive got this behind my name now?
Proud is not a a word i can associate with myself.
Ashamed & disappointed. They are words i can relate to?

The one word i want to understand is
WHY?

NASTY NASTY EVIL PEOPLE

2008-03-05T08:31:00.000-08:00

Im so annoyed with a fair few people today...and for the past few days...
Some will say its all my own fault and in a round about way im sure it is....? but in the case then im sure that you could also blame me for Rod Hull's death...
He died falling off the roof fixing his TV aireal and im sure if you wanted to point the blame at me you could say that had i had the guts to face the man who traumatised my childhood (i had and still have a horrific fear of grotbags-evil green woman) You see, i could have sought him out, gone round his house and had a chat with him and emu... and had i gone on that day maybe he wouldn't have been up the roof fixing his Airiel, he would have been chatting with me and i would have saved him?!!

Yes its a abit far out but thats my point for saying that you cant say that i am to blame for what im about to moan about.....

Fucking Andy....
What a nasty nasty nasty Evil BASTARD....
(who is 17) now apparently he was out round town at the weekend, and he bumped into my younger sister AbiAbi knows nothing of what i have gone through, she needs to know nothing, she is seventeen, young for her age and she looks up to me...
Well she did...
Katie (my sister) told me yesterday that Abi has been sat home crying for the last two/three however many days and when she asked her why Abi told her she had seen Andy in town on Saturday night and they had got talking about me....
I dont know much more except that it ended with Andy saying....
"God Abi are you stupid? Why do you think Liane lost all that weight? .....its cuz shes a heroin addict..."

FUCKING MORON, BALL SUCKING PRICK.

What EVIL bastard says something like that?
What gives him the right to say something like that to ANYONE let alone my kid sister?
FUCKING TOSSER
Im so ANGRY ... its a good job i haven't got a car at the moment because i would have left work and gone straight round his and i would have probably 'flipped the script' so to speak... paint stripper-ed the car, slashed his tyres, put his windows through... something criminal im sure - i was / am so angry with him

Dave told me that i shouldn't do anything bad as that means he as won.... but if doing any of that means he won then im happy for him to win that way? Let him win, I'll get him a nice big t.shirt with NO1 on it and he can wear that too?

What with him and the cantankerous old bitch at work that is giving me shit im beginning to wonder why i bother?
I put myself through hell and no-one treats you any better for it.
Ive got that wanker telling my family i AM a heroin addict.... well thats his problem, he always lives in the past, he wants to get his cock out of his arse and get up to date, that was months ago... im not anymore, im a subby addict now..
Then i got that miserable two face spiteful sour-face trout at work causing me shit.

Well i did wonder why i bother... its so hard on a daily basis, its a constant battle and no-one appreciates how hard it is so i wonder why bother, just go back to the junkie i was and give every fucker something to moan about?
You know what- id rather be a smackhead than a cantankerous miserable EVIL two-faced cunt, stuck in a loveless life without the bollocks to face the world and change things? Cus thats what those pair are....
Luckily for me im neither now.... and never will be?

Though reading this it does seem that pleasant-ness is not my strong point?
Well i just dont care any more?
How long do i have to prove myself and KEEP proving myself?
Its about time credit was given where credit is due?
All those who are holding the past over my head can do so with an argument from me, im ready to move on with my life so every body else shoud be?

xx

I've been away... but now I'm back...?

2008-03-03T08:14:00.000-08:00

Well i've been hiding away for ages.... and for all sorts of reasons...
I think mainly although i have been really busy I've also been scared to come back? I haven't dare read anything of what i've past wrote yet?
And i have been keeping a diary at home... my black diary that i always write in, usually when life seems too much and im left wondering whats the point? I write it all in there, and then hide it away rarely to look at it again?

I'm having all kinds of issuse at the moment, facing the reality of what i was? The sypathy has gone and now its jut the consequences?
Sometimes, more often than not i wonder if im strong enough to cope with it?
At times i doubt myself?
very much doubt myself? More so than i believe in myself anyway?

Life is so 'up & down' and so out of my control that i feel like a deer caught in the head lights...
Im finally facing the future i wanted so bad, & im almost scared to step into it?

Theres a certain kind of security in being a drug addict. No-one expects anything from you, you are used to being a disappointment, theres no pressure, you can just hide away from everything.

Now i get to points where sometimes i dont want to deal with things? I dont want to cope? I dont like what happens and i just want to run and escape? the last thing i want to do is face it all? And i think then... why cant i go back to it? I get tired of life, i know everyone gets fed up, but ive had things so hard for so so so long i just dont want it anymore?

Thats when i think... why? why am i doing this?

Things are so much harder now at times... im trying so hard to put things behind me but no-ine else is moving on?

I got to go now, but tomorrow im going to put in words what torments my mind?

xx

Hard Times ahead?

2007-12-08T13:54:00.000-08:00

I've had a little while away from this for a couple of reasons. I'm finding things hard to deal with and I've discovered that ignorance is the best way to deal with things? Apart from the fact that my life is pretty boring, the few things I do have going on I don't want to have to deal with or talk about? I don't feel right in myself at the moment and I don't know how to put it right or if it could even be put right? I kind of feel that I am fighting a consistent losing battle with life and I've pretty much given up trying now?

I don't know why I should feel like this though? It makes no sense to me, but at the same time I'm beginning to get used to it? It's not like me to feel like this and I don't like it?
I don't know if its because I'm spending a lot of time thinking about the last year & it was at this point last year that i stepped fully onto the path of self destruction? With both feet & one giant leap I screwed my life up good and proper?

In my bid to stay clean last year I managed a whole ten days, and it wasn't even particularly difficult? So why did I go back?
Bordem mainly? The excitement of doing something I shouldn't be doing and most foolishly because I thought that I was the one in control? What an idiot was I? I can still remember the day now, clear as anything, I was at work and it was a Thursday, Connor was meant to be at his swimming lesson at 6.30 and I got a phone call at 4.30 from my "friend" He wanted to know if I had money so we could get some B's and a point four? Firstly I said no, because I was being good, but then I thought to myself "why not?" nobody would know but me and it would just be a one off as a treat for doing so well and celebrating ten days clean?! (that genuinely made sense to me at the time!?)

As soon as I left work at 5pm we went straight to a local pub car park to meet one man and his dog.... then headed straight back to mine. Getting back we were both full of excitement, it was fun and it was probably the only time I thought that I felt genuinely happy?

As we flashed the foil and put the first bit of white on my mind raced with doubts.... but as soon as I had inhaled that first breath of white smoke any worries and doubts were instantaneously blown away. The rush takes your breath away and its the best feeling, within minutes we were both nicely high, the kind where-by you feel nothing but love for everybody and everything, I think this is why I had a problem associating bad things with such times?

All too quickly the white was gone and we were running the brown across the foil. I had a drink of blackcurrant pop to hand and before I could inhale the first full line I had rushed to the sink to throw up? The kind of liquid lumpy brown sick that stings your throat? It didn't deter me one bit, in fact I laughed as I puked, thinking.... what? I don't know? As I stood in the kitchen, spewing with ease and laughing at myself, my friend sat in the living room, laughing with me, laughing at me?

I think back now and I don't know why I would even fin d that funny? Obviously my body was trying to reject what I was forcing in it? I was only sick a couple of times and then I managed to keep it down? It didn't take much that particular time for me to get hammered. Seriously off my head, I couldn't even manage to finish smoking all the lines..... I was quite happy, sat there, floating away on my cloud, not having a clue where I was or what I was meant to be doing? And I am actually ashamed to admit that that day my son did not go to his swimming lesson for no other reason than his mum was too high on smack to be able to take him?

That day still haunts me now, and from there things only got so much worse. That year I had done many a crazy things, all with the goal of getting high, but that's the point that marked a step closer to loss of control.

I have done plenty of things, which at the time i thought were fun, but now I see every time as another mark of decline? There was the week in February, where Paul had decided that he had to get clean, so we bought 100 ecstasy tablets and went to a caravan in skeg for the week. Driving over there, whilst pilled up, was a surreal experience, it was like driving in a computer game, nothing seemed real, it was like gliding on ice, the journey was just so... beautiful, as it is when you loose your head? And we stayed there for four/five days eating pill after pill after pill, never coming down so the withdrawal as over shadowed but the high of another drug.

After 4/5 days and being technically clean, we drove back home at the speed of light to but half a tee of gear, to help bring us down.... mission failed?

During that week I had left my son with my poor mother who looked after him, decidedly more than I did? I think I told her I was on a training course in Derby for my new job, and rather than drive there and back everyday and pay for parking i would stay at a friends house? She believed me, she had no reason not to, but now I think how lucky I am that nothing happened to me, because no-one would have known where I really was or what I was doing?

Even that event, its just one example of hundreds of the kind of lengths I would think nothing of going to, just to get high? I really didn't think I was sucked in then either?

As I am now, each day is still a struggle? The tablets do work really well, in that they seen to kill any cravings i may have? Its not the drug itself it want, its the feelings i associate with it? The security of close friendships, of course that's not the truth but that is how it feels at that time? Its the excitement, the forbidden fun? Life seems so boring when its normal and there's always one easy and quick answer for an instant pick me up, but its not the answer?

Its so hard, having to cope with things in the real world, at least as a dependant drug user, you almost have a security blanket, because people don't actually expect anything from you and you get so much praise from such small things? I suppose its my inner child craving the attention that I never got from a battered childhood, and its easier for me to hide behind that weakness than to face things as a grown up? Maybe I have a need to feel looked after?

This last week, I have done something that i never thought I would have the courage to do? I have for once, been open and honest with someone about my feelings... it was like getting blood from a stone and what should have been a five minute conversation did end up being 4hours and I was actually sick at the end of it and ended up in bed with a splitting headache from the stress.....

But I did it, I managed to say what I felt, even if i did have to dig deep within myself to admit my feelings and then go against everything I feel comfortable&secure with by sharing them? The outcome was good though and what I could only have dreamed of? I'm not quite 100% there, I had to hold back something, its a matter of trust, but I put a big fat 95% worth in and it worked out good, so I'm pleased and I do see that as a positive step forward. Also a huge step forward, and the first of many.

Its also had a positive effect of my outlook. Where as most days I feel down and depressed and I have to argue and reason with myself as to why I shouldn't turn to drugs, I now feel like I'm not all that interested at the moment? I don't have to think about it, theres no desire at the moment? Am I having a good few days or have I turned a corner? Who knows only time will tell?

One thing is for sure, this is the hardest thing I have ever ever done and I really feel that I am taking an emotional battering right now. I constantly pour over old memories, analyse past events and try to explain everything I've ever done? I were not prepared for this side of it? Is it normal? Is this what everyone goes through? Or am I being hard on myself? I still resent the fact that i am physically dependant on a drug just to be able to function?

I have a lot more analysing of the past to do yet before I can move on? Is that where the answers are? I don't know? Are there any answers? I feel I've always been destined for this path? But I also feel that I am destined for bigger and better things in the future?

I hope so?

I've had enough of this bit and it may be wishing my life away, but still, I can't wait for this bit to be over, and for it to be another memory/event to analyse? Or to look back on and see what I've learnt? As hard as it is, I will accept this stage of my life as a character building phase?

November 27th 2007 & 2006

2007-11-27T10:11:00.000-08:00

If I had to choose three words to describe myself today I would have... frustrated.... no I'll have two... Immensely frustrated and I can't really think of an appropriate third? (so why did I do this?!) Apart from bored? I really think that maybe I am going through a significant phase of my life? I can't explain it, but I constantly have this strange feeling inside of me, almost like apprehension, like I'm waiting for something?

I can't explain too well, but it's almost like I'm sat in a box, high high up on a cliff top, balanced precariously, and while I'm in this box, I'm searching for something? Though what it is I'm not quite sure as yet? But while I search I'm in danger of making my box unbalance and then fall off the edge, disappearing into the vast nothingness below? Should I find what I'm looking for then... well I don't know? nothing really? Except I'm OK? Maybe whatever it is I find, will be the answer for what comes next?

Sometimes I find that writing this is a real help, it makes me understand things, rationalise and reason things? Makes sense of all the things that cloud my mind and my thoughts? But other times..... like now, I find it hard? My mind is a daunting place right now, there's a mass of things in there that i need to deal with, but I can't? There's also a lot of things I've addressed lately, I've made changes and made sense of dominating negative issues? Almost as if I have been struck by a bolt of clarity? Suddenly a light has switched on and now I am beginning to make friends with my mind and its hoardes of demons?

I don't know what it is at the moment that makes me feel like this, I feel kind of down, isolated and unmotivated? No unmotivated is not right, more passive? My mind goes off to a place of it's own, drowning in thoughts as if scurrying through the memories trying to piece everything together to make a structure to hold everything in place in the future? All the time my mind is working on different levels, whilst doing the everyday things that need to be done, the here and now, there's a sub-current running underneath, niggling away and distracting me from giving a 100% to any one thing?

I keep saying it, but I feel like I'm about to turn a major corner in life? I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but I feel so unsettled in myself? Am I unhappy? Probably? but that's
not it? I don't feel like I'm doing enough with myself? There's more to be done and I want to do it, but I wouldn't even know where to start?

This time last year I was in much the same position as I am now? I had had my face to face with Gary and vowed to regain control of my life? I made a conscientious effort to stay away from drugs, from the people involved in it and the baggage that came with it? It was hard and everyday I did stay away, for 10 days which was pathetic really? I went to bed feeling proud, but also like I was missing something? It might sound silly to say i felt I was missing something, but that's how it was? This might sound even sillier, but I can recognise now, that my problem with heroin was the comfort factor? It was the activity itself, the smoking, not the drug or its effects? It I could have coffee and had the choice to drink it or toot it, either way I would be having the same reaction that in-taking coffee gives you... I would still, even today, choose to toot it? Because thats what is the root of my addiction. I know this as fact too, not just analysing it. When theres been the odd occasion of crack being around, I always opt to toot that, not have it on the pipe which is what most people do, (the correct way to smoke it?) I think the reason being, when I first started on the gear I always had it run for me? So I probably subconciously associate tooting with being taken care of, which is where I draw comfort from? ( I must be a nutter!?!)

I ended up with a physical addiction and eventually had to have it everyday because that is what my body required in order to function 'normally' but November 2006 I had been dabbling for almost a year and though i didn't realise it at that point, I did have an addiction, but it was mental. I didn't suffer any illness when I didn't have it, I just missed the comfort of the false feelings of safety and protection it gave me. I was vulnerable back then, maybe even depressed? I'm not sure? But I certainly didn't have a physical addiction?

I had made a promise to myself to stay 'clean' and looking back now, if I am honest, I can say it was the third time in the first year I had had to go out of my way to make an effort to stay in control? The warning signs were there, I should have taken notice and run a mile in the opposite direction, I was a fool to thing I could stay in control of a substance that has ruined so many peoples lives, and people far greater than me.

The first time I experienced a 'rattle' was about 3months or so after i first started experimenting. In fact, because this is all based on honesty I can say that it was February 19th 2006... In the weeks leading up to that date I had been smoking heroin every day, at least three times a day for about....only 3weeks? No more than 3weeks anyway, and by that I mean waking up with it at the side of the bed, having about £15 worth each (I was dependant on someone else running it for me back then-I refused to learn how so that I wouldn't become addicted????) At various points throughout the day we would be smoking it, we hung around in those circles so there was always plenty of it about. The day always ended with a nice relaxing toot, before falling to sleep for the night?

It was only having been at a birthday party one night (party of our main dealer) and we were chatting rubbish as you do whilst high from vast amounts of crack cocaine, drunk from a 15hour bender and having our last smoke of the night, that I realised I couldn't remember the last day I had gone the whole day without having a toot? When I worked out the it was near enough three weeks ago I decided then that it was time to sort myself out.

The following morning I woke up, feeling rough and divided to finish what gear we had in the house and that would be it for a while, until it was long out my system so that i would be sure I wasn't getting addicted.... and I did it. I didn't touch anymore for a good few weeks... at least 6 or so, which is a big change and hard to do. But I suffered too. My first day 'clean' was a Monday morning and I wasn't too great at all, but it was manageable to a degree? I managed to get up and have a bath, but the cold burnt my skin and my bones hurt with an indescribable pain/discomfort.

On the Tuesday I had an appointment at the bank and I really had to fight to get myself to go. It was unusually hot weather for that time of year but I was chilled to the bone and Connor's dad had to take me into town because no way was i fit to drive? After my appointment I went home and fell back into bed where i stayed for pretty much the whole of the next day too.

By Thursday I was feeling considerably better, still off colour, but I no longer felt like I has the Flu? I should have taken that experience and etched it in my mind, it would have saved me from so much in the future? Back then I said that was easily the worst I have ever felt and I never wanted to have to go through anything like that again. I still stand by that now, because up until that point it was, horrific!

So after going through that what on earth ever made me pick up the tooter again? I really do not know?! I think it must have been a combination of low self esteem, maybe depression, looking for something in myself and getting lost on the journey?! Then on top of that was my extreme naivety? Thinking that because I had been through that then I would recognise the signs in future and then be able to make sure that I kept myself safe?

God I was pretty stupid really?! So throughout the summer of 2006 I had the odd bit here and there, usually with a bit of crack, but for some reason I never had a problem with that? It is addictive in that you always want more but if you can hold out for an hour or so for that to pass then I find I'm not that bothered about it anymore?

Towards the end of 2006 I was still very much a part time user, but what I had begun to notice was that on the occasions when I did have it (usually a Friday night as a regular thing and then it became a Wednesday night regular thing all too quickly?) The next day I would be very irritable and edgy, so when someone offered me a bit of Meth just to take the edge off, i found it was not only helpful in alleviating my symptoms, but also it was a nicer high than the gear, and depending how much I had, it lasted substantially longer too!!

When I sit and think today about how my life was headed and where I'm at today I cam say that I do feel like I have made positive changes and I'm so glad I did, though it was hard to admit that I did have a problem, and I was no longer in control. That was the hardest part and i think its fair to say that I didn't really admit it as such, It was literally dragged out of me and at first I only went through the motions to keep Craig happy.

I really believed I could sort myself out before I needed professional help, or once i had asked for it I still thought I could do it on my own before the ball started rolling so to speak? The last twelve months have been a turbulent roller coaster of experiences. I know I'm not in the clear yet, far from it, but the important thing is that this time last year I was just starting the decline of my life's slippery slope, now I have found my feet again and I am getting back to the top of that hill and thankfully its on the other side?

What i did I can't change and I don't regret, but I think I need to use this to not only to better myself, but to make a complete 360 with my life? I look at people I know that are still on smack and I want to shake them till the sense hits them! I get so infuriated when they say 'I'll go to the doctors next week, or i will phone tomorrow...' Or what annoys me even more is when someone says... 'I'm fed up of this, never having any money, I need to sell some Meth and then I will be sorted for a couple of days?'
..........AAAAhhhhh!!!!!

WHY!! I don't understand that!?! I find it hard to accept that people won't change just because I want them to? I want to fix the world, but I got enough problems trying to fix myself?! I know what my issues are, and I know what I want from life. I now have goals and ambitions, but that doesn't make it easy for me? I think my ambitions are too ambitious, unobtainable and because of the position I have put myself in now, I think they are going to be even harder to achieve, virtually impossible to be honest, and I'm not sure I'll ever do it, but I'm prepared try, prepared to put the effort in and work hard. I want the challenge, I want the mental stimulation, I want the focus, I want the goal.

I feel frustrated with my life right now, that I'm wasting it, even more than i threw it away. I feel everything is passing me by, there's things to do, new things to learn and to experience and I'm stuck doing the same old same old? What worries me now is that I think that I could have avoided all this past mess I got into had I just dealt with things and talked about things that were on my mind back then, but I have never been good at talking to people. I think that if you talk to people it lets them inside your mind and that allows them to get close to the person you are inside. Once you allow a person that closeness they are then free to hurt and betray you in the worst possible ways and that's a chance I am not prepared to take with anybody any time soon? Not anybody.

Recognising my problem November 22nd 2006

2007-11-22T10:28:00.000-08:00

I think I have a problem? Maybe? Isn't that what addicts say when they are trying to rectify their live? Trying to pull back the fragments of their splintered lives?
Its a Wednesday night, in fact its Wednesday November 22nd 2006... the reason I write this is I feel it's going to be significant to me at a later date? When I look back through my diary I know this page, or should I say these pages are going to stand out screaming at me....?

Why do I think that? Because I have just had the worst night ever?

As I sit on my bed & cry, I want the world to make me disappear? I want life to be gone but still be alive? I want time to have changed, I want me to be gone and swapped with the person I should be? If I could write myself, my life, away then I would and I would do it right now?
So why do I sit here & cry?
Because the truth hurts? Because the truth is too had to handle? Because if someone else can tell you how badly you are screwing up the it must be so obvious to the people who should be close to me, the ones I have now made the outsiders?

Everything was going fine, but I had to screw it up? How? By thinking I could control something that controls and destroys so many other people? I don't know why I decided to, but tonight I met Paul and we went halves on a 20 bag of gear, I knew I would be seeing Gary tonight so I purposely didn't have too much.
What an idiot I am though? I shouldn't have had any? But I did? Why did I? I don't know?
Basically I got pretty hammered. I thought I could hold it together? At least for a couple of hours? But no.

When Gary walked in I was asleep on the sofa....gouging out... and straight away he said to me, "Liane what are you doing?" I tried to pass off that I was just tired but he wasn't having any of it? It took a matter of ten minutes to reduce me to an uncontrollable sobbing wreck?
I can't remember everything of what he said, but it was enough.

Enough to hit a raw nerve, though everything is raw at the moment? Enough to knock me sideways, so to speak? It hurt so much to have to sit there and have someone throw the truth at me and slap me round the face with it?

What am I doing? That's what I'm beginning to wonder? It seems that more often than not I'm choosing to have gear now? Why? There is no real reason I don't think? There must be? I don't know?
"you're someone who could do something with you're life if you wanted to?' He told me. "I sit & look at you & I don't know the person I am seeing anymore? I just see this zombie staring back at me, mindless, brain dead, unable to string a sentence together. That's not the Liane I know, that's not the person everybody knows and loves is it? Why would you do this to yourself? Why would you choose to do this to Connor? He doesn't want his mum like this. How can you give him what he needs when you're in such a state"

I didn't have the energy to argue back that I don't get like this when Connor is about, & besides, I knew that he would only argue that it's only a mater of time? Is it? Is it only a matter of time before I get like this and he starts to notice? Am I so obviously hammered that anyone can tell? I know sometimes I have been but I have passed it off as being drunk? Am I the fool, thinking that everyone around me doesn't notice?

"No-one else will tell you what a mess you are" he continued "Your idiot smack head junkie scum friends won't want to tell you and probably are too fucked to even notice, your family, they might be scared of upsetting you or your real friends might be worried you will fall out with them? But listen to me, I'm a real friend to you Liane and I'm not scared to tell you, you are a mess, I don't care if you fall out with me because while you are like this I don't want to be your friend, and I would rather cut ties now and get used to life without you, that way it won't hurt so much when I'm saying goodbye, putting you in the ground? I might cut you off completely from now until then, I'll turn my head as you walk past in the street, and only look back when I know you can't see me looking? But I will find out when it happens, when its too late to say enough's enough, and I will be there, to watch that little boy of yours cry as his mum is dropped six feet under in a box, never to hold his hand, laugh with him or dry the tears from his face again? I hope its worth it? I hope your happy being high? Goodbye Liane"

And with that he turned and walked out he door, leaving me crying. Crying tears that I can't stop. Floods and floods of tears, each one trying to wash away the memory it holds? Tears that are full of the heartache and pain that swamps my mind. I torture myself with the past, constantly going over when and how my life went wrong? Punishing myself on a daily basis for things that happened so long ago, Things I can't change and things I can't accept?

If ever someone could say something to slap me in the face and wake me up it was Gary with those words? Hes right? I'm making such a big mistake with my life? I keep saying I'm in control but now I need to prove it, to myself first, because right now I'm not so sure about myself? I won't die from it, I won't let it get me like that I know it, but if it had been said 12 months ago that it would be like this now, I never would have believed it?

I was always so against drugs of any sorts, so how have I been so easily lead into this? Why didn't I notice it happening? Well that's it now, I'm staying away, I don't need them, I don't need this, I need to be a good mum to my Connor first and that's what I'm going to do. I feel so excluded from my family at the moment, so isolated, I've got no-one I can talk to and I think that's what I need?

The few friends I did think I can trust have already proved me wrong? I know they think they were doing it for my own benefit, but I told them things in confidence and they went behind my back and told the people I wanted to protect from knowing the truth? So it looks like I'm in this on my own now? It's going to be hard I know, but I can do this, I know I can because I want to.

If I could have one wish come true right now, it would be 'to be able to feel like my family loved me?' I never get phone calls any more, I certainly don't get invited anywhere any more. I know my sister would rather not have me at the wedding and truth be known I would rather not go, but how can I tell her that and how can she ask me not to go? I know my sisters visit each other, and they never ask me to go? My mum never rings to see if I want to go round? I never even get a text message anymore? I don't think they realise how alone I feel? How alone I am? Until my wish comes true, I'm on my own?

FLASHBACK. Diary entry November 20th 2006

2007-11-20T12:14:00.000-08:00

Its the middle of the afternoon and I'm still in bed, but not my own bed, I'm in some Premier Inn hotel room in Oxford... I ask myself what am I doing here?
Well basically I went round to mums at tea-time yesterday and everyone was there. Mum and the girls and Katie and her 'soon to be husband' and their son Corey all sat round the dinner table together with my Connor having a family tea that I think Katie had made for them?

Apparently they had arranged some time last week to all get together for this, but no-one ever mentioned it to me? Now I can take a hint, so if that wasn't a hint so highlight the fact that I'm pushed out from the family then I don't know what is? It really pissed me off to be fair that they either hadn't thought to include me, or had purposely secluded me? I don't care what they say, they can not claim to have 'forgotten' to ask me, thats a lame excuse when you are going to the trouble of getting all the family together, you don't just forget one member?
What upset me even more was that when I turned up, I could tell they were wishing I hadn't, kind of like I had rumbled their secret? But they could have redeemed themselves and invited me to join them, surely that wouldn't have hurt? Apparently so though because barely anyone spoke to me and it was made clear that my presence was making the atmosphere uncomfortable, so I got my Connor sorted for the night, said goodbye to him and told mum I couldn't stay as I was working early tonight.

I then got in the car, drove to the bank, withdrew hundred quid and phoned my mate Paul, who is working down Oxford. I phoned work and told them I was sick and then went to meet Paz... Paul had already phoned him and told him to meet me ASAP. So I drove up to the pub and waited in the car park. Luckily I didn't have to wait too long before I saw Paz emerge from the alleyway. He jumped in the car and I drove him back round to his house, while I was driving he sorted out my 'order' two point fours and half a tee of B's.

When back at his bedsit, he invited me in for a quick pipe, never one to say no to a pipe I quickly went inside. As I thought about my mum and sisters all sat round the table eating their family dinner together I had to fight the tears away. I should have been there with them, not sat here in some scummy bedsit smoking crack? Had I been given the choice, I would have swapped places straight away, but there was no choice, my family don't want me and thats that. So I had 3/4 pipes, enough to feel wired and then I set off on the two hour drive down south.

All the way down I kept thinking, this is crazy, I can't afford to be doing this for a start but more so than that I don't want to be doing it? But no way was I prepared to be sat at home, alone, wallowing in self pity about how my family are gradually cutting my out bit by bit to the point now that I don't even know that much about them any more?

The rain was horrendous driving down and part of me kept thinking 'I wish I could crash and die? Get out of their lives and do them a favor?' But where would that leave my Connor if I did? I know Katie would do a good job of bringing him up, but I don't want him growing up and hating me, which he probably would do, and will do any way?

It took just under 2hours to get to Oxford and the second I saw Paul I felt happy. I don't know what it is about him, about just being around him that makes me happy, but whatever it is, its the thing that keeps me going at all right now?

As he met me in the car park, his enthusiasm was infectious! It was getting late but he was so excited to see me and for once I felt like somebody wanted to see me, to hear what I had to say, listened when I spoke and asked me about how I was, what I was doing....all normal things that people take for granted, but all things that never happen to me anymore?

As we sat on the bed in the hotel room I felt like a naughty school child! There were no smoking signs all around the room, and here we were smoking crack and smack and giggling like teenagers at the buzz of doing something forbidden and getting away with it!!

After the two hour drive we had smoked almost everything in about twenty mins, saving a little smack for the morning.... then we just lay in bed with the T.V on, hugging as we talked about the rubbish that was floating round our heads? It was so nice to be away from everyone and I can only think that if they had noticed that I had gone away, which I know they hadn't because they all think I'm at work? But had they noticed they would all probably be happier that I'm out the way anyway?

Where have I gone wrong? How do I get back my family? I don't know how its come to this and I don't know how to fix it?

Time flies when......

2007-11-19T10:28:00.000-08:00

Well I've not long got back from the smack shop and I've had a great chat today with my worker. I didn't think I needed it today, but its certainly given me an unexpected lift? I didn't realise that it has only been two months and one day since my first appointment?! September the 18th when I first went there to sort myself out?

It seems like so much longer? At least 6-7 months of going? Two months I really can't believe that?! So that means that only 2 months ago I was at the height of my addiction, smoking up to £30.00 a days worth easily and having Meth on top and the odd bit of crack for a 'treat' every now and again?! That's crazy!!

I don't ever think how far i have come, I always just focus on getting through each day and everyday is a battle still. But now its been pointed out, I do feel slightly amazed!
Two months ago i could only have dreamed of being as I am now, it seemed like such an impossible target?

I still have a lot of issues in my head to resolve, but I will gradually learn to accept the things i can not change and deal with the things I want to change? I look back to where I was a year ago and I wonder not only how did I fall into that kind of lifestyle but how I managed to crawl out?

I had a double life, a side that no-one knew about and still no-one knows the extent I went to until I decide to disclose it on here? It was hard work and I still wonder what it was I was trying to run away from? What was it that drove me on a mission to follow that lifestyle and seek escape?

Tomorrow I'm going to add some of my diary entries from last year as it was about this time that I made a pledge to myself to give up, and I did for ten whole days.....
For now though I'm going to go home and think about just how far I have pushed myself over the last eight weeks and analyse the journey so far?

Flashback.Diary entry from November 14th 2006

2007-11-14T08:08:00.000-08:00

Another day off work today, I would love to be doing 9-5 Monday to Friday like 'normal' people, but then again I hardly live a normal life at the moment... I started the day with good intentions, for the first five minutes anyhow...until I thought about my sisters impending wedding in a months time? The very thought of it sends me into a spate of depression with no rational reasoning behind it? Well I say that, I'm sure there is reasoning? I think if I'm honest theres a whole load of reasons but only a few I'm prepared to go into on paper right now?

Her getting married makes me feel illuminated as the failure I've become? I'm the oldest so I feel it should be making such life-steps before her? Getting married means shes found some-one, shes settled, organised, happy. Shes doing things with her life that I should be doing, but I'm going no-where. I'm in exactly the same position as I was seven years ago? I should at least have done something with my life? But I haven't and even worse, I can't see anything in the near future to anticipate such things? I don't wish Katie any unhappiness, but I think theres so much behind this marriage thats a farce. I personally think she is trying to create for herself, the home/family life we lost because of our bastard step-dad.

She wants the ideal family, don't we all? But I think shes going a bit too far, you cant make whats not there? I also feel like I'm losing her and I think out of all my family shes the one I care about the most, we have been through so much together. I know Ive alienated myself from my family at the moment and its hard, and I don't know how to get back what I had? But this thing of marriage, I feel like its taking her away from me? I don't want to go, I wish I could go to sleep and just wake up and the day be gone? The year gone?

I don't believe for one second that she is going to be happy with her 'husband' for the rest of her life? Shes 21 years old, she should be out having fun, not throwing her life away to marriage? Maybe I'm jealous because I know its something I will never have, I will never have that trust with someone to be able to commit to a full time relationship, I know I wont. Ive had too many bad experiences now, if someone were to ever win me over it would have to be someone pretty amazing and theres no-one like that about, especially not in my circles?

I struggle to get by and to get through everyday. At least now I have got a 9-5 job, (its not Mon-Fri yet, only three days, but its a foot in the door) thats the only thing that can say I'm happy with in my life at the moment, my job, which is pretty sad? I'm swimming in debt, my only savings are those towards my bankruptcy application, I'm on the verge of being evicted, I've got to go to court on December 9th (a week before this f**king wedding) and pay fifteen hundred quid to be able to keep my house. Theres no way Ive got that kind of money, theres no way I can get it? I don't know what I'm going to do? I don't know how I even got into this mess?

Well truth be told I do know. Lack of caring in my behalf, ignorance to priorities and now I've got myself a financially draining hobby. Drugs. Heroin. I don't think its fair to call myself a bag head/smack head just yet but I can see myself standing on the edge of a very slippery cliff top. I'm messing with things I shouldn't be getting involved with and I don't know enough about? I know a fraction of what I should and thats all bad so that to me is a warning to keep away but I just cant help myself? I keep telling myself that I'm in control and I'm not an addict but I can feel it pulling me in?

I feel like I'm leading a double life now, I have got nobody who I can talk to. Not because I don't trust them, but because I don't want to disappoint them, I dont want to admit that Ive become one of life's idiots? I cant see my doctor, I would die of embarrassment and shame, but not only that, I'm not addicted yet. I can take it or leave it, i just choose to take it? I don't think theres anybody that will understand me because I don't understand myself? All I know is that I don't want to be doing it and I try, i really do try not to do it, but when Philip rings me up I just give in. I always promise myself it will be the last time, but it never is?

It just seems so exciting when he phones, hes always got something to say to make me smile and laugh, he makes me feel happy and relaxed, things seem fun and.... I dont know?! When he phoned today I really didn't want to say yes, but somehow he talked me into it, i told him I didn't have much time, but he promised all we needed was twenty minutes, so I said 'go on then, just this once?'

When he came, he already had it and I gave him my half of the money-thats when I wondered why am i doing it? Its not like he even needs the money, hes got his own today? But then I can imagine its not the same doing it on your own? thats when you know you have a problem, when you are smoking it on your own? I wouldn't even know how to do it, how to prepare it or run it or anything and thats the way I plan on staying because I think if I learn to do it on my own, then I will risk getting into a mess?

I phoned my mum and told her I would be a little bit late picking Connor up from her as I had to wait for my mate Emma coming off the bus and give her a lift.... it weren't a lie, but she wasn't on the bus, at least not for another two hours? She knew I had promised to give Emma a lift so she didn't suspect any untruth in my story? I did feel a bit guilty knowing that Connor was waiting for me and I had made him wait, and although I had told him twenty minutes he would in fact be waiting near enough an hour for me?

All that soon disappeared when he flicked the lighter and ran the gear across the foil for me. I hate it when it first hits the back of my throat, it makes me sick, horrible, bitty, brown bile sick, the kind that rips your throat as it comes up? It doesn't take long to forget all that though as it runs through my system, making me feel like I'm on a cloud, floating, away from reality.

My real day to day life is so harsh right now, I know this isn't the answer, I'm not stupid, I know its wrong, but its a release. I feel trapped. I feel stuck in life, trapped by myself, imprisoned in my own unhappiness and theres nothing i can do to get out any time soon? If there was a light at the end of the tunnel, however small I would head towards the light, but as I see it now I'm drowning in darkness thats forever increasing, swamping me and this is a tiny temporary escape. A little candle in a cave of darkness just flickering enough to help me keep my sanity? A secret guilty pleasure? I don't want to fall into the claws of addiction, i look at the people around me, the true addicts, I'm not one of them, I know it, but I can relate to them right now?

They are the only people who accept me as I am at the moment? Im keeping away from my family and friends mainly for their own benefit as i don't want them to see the disappointment i have become? Id rather be the best of a bad bunch? Its only for a short time, till i figure everything out and get myself sorted again? I don't ant to end up like them, I'm better than that i know it, but things are so hard right now and i don't know how to cope, i don't know how to get through things? Ive always thought things will be better when I'm 27? I don't know why, but I feel lost in life now, like I'm waiting for something, or 27 to come and hit me?

Christmas is just around the corner, I've done nothing and I don't really plan to, i just wish i could disappear from life for a while? I don't want Christmas, its a reminder to me that I'm not a good mum right now, I'm not putting my son first, everything is me me me and still I'm so miserable. I wish someone could cast a magic light showing me where i am meant to be in a years time? At least then I would have some clue about what to do with myself now? I wish i had someone to share the burden with? but what burden, theres nothing i can put into any word other than I'm miserable?

Thats why i turn to Philip and the smack, i feel like they are the only two who understand me, don't judge me and do like me? Its the only time i feel content, when I'm out of my head, crazy wild thoughts running through my mind? I was sat on the sofa with the tooter hanging out of my mouth, glass of pop in my hand (because i cant smoke it with out a drink, its too harsh) and i thought, 'what would people think if they could see me now?' I almost want to get caught so I can talk to someone about what it is my mind cant deal with?

I felt 'bombed' when i had done today, it was really strong stuff, i don't know how i held it together to pick Connor up? I wondered if mum noticed? If she did she never said? I think its crazy, i almost want to scream out at people... "cant you see what I'm doing behind closed doors?! I'm throwing my days away to smoking illegal substances...Class A's, help me stop?!!"
How do you get help though when your not properly addicted? I cant go to the doctors and say "please help me, I smoke heroin, I dont do it often, enough to know I'm screwing up, I'm not physically addicted but I know I should stop, what do I do?' I already know the answers, just say no, stay away, make a conscientious decision to change your life, think of the money you are wasting....blah blah blah blah blah......

All I want to do with my life is work hard and do well, pay my bills, have nice things and hopefully meet somebody. But I can't even do that? My dad is constantly on at me to find somebody and settle down, find a man to look after me and Connor, but its not that easy, I can't just go out and pick some random bloke and say 'right, lets settle down?' I'm not sure its even what I want right now anyway? If I were that desperate to just settle down then surely I would have made a go of it with that Mark?

What a divvy he were. I first met him round a dealers house, never really spoke to him, the second day I see him he gets my number and then the third day hes asking me out for a drink and texting me constantly? I don't know why I agreed to go for a drink with him? its not what I would usually do, but I did....

well you know its bad when you have to pick the bloke up because he don't drive? So thats the first strike against his name?! Before leaving, we (Connor and myself, having him insisting it was a family date?) have to go and meet the parents... yep, no joke, he introduced me to his mother as his new girlfriend?!! Well that was news for me! I only said I would go for a drink with him! His mother freaked me out by saying how lovely I was, how nice it would be to have a little boy in the family to spoil, how magical it would be at Christmas....
Having picked him up I had to then choose where to go and drive there....So I choose a pub about five miles out of town and on the way over he tells me that he has ended a long term relationship to go out with me?!! (So hes dumped his bird of 3 years and introduced me to his mother......God I must be amazing?!)

That was the point I freaked out and made some excuse about taking Connor over to the light display at Matlock. So over in Matlock, walking around he then goes on to tell me how much he likes me and how much he would love a family, it would be great for us to move into one of his parents houses with Connor and start our own family? (this is still a first date and I'm still freaked out and now desperate go get home...alone!?!) I tell him I hate kids and am never having any more?
His family is loaded so he keeps reminding me, (I kept reminding him how much I hate rich people because they are often pretentious and think they can have everything & I'm not that way, I'm not materialistic & I'm not going to date someone because they have a lot of money-I want to work hard and make my own way, however hard & slow it may be?) and his mum would love me and Connor to be with them for Christmas... Would we like to go abroad? He would like to take us to Teneriefe for our first family Christmas, make it special for us... (I hate holidays & I really don't want to go abroad?)

It was about that time that we 'unexpectedly' bumped into my friend (not something I had secretly arranged since meeting his mother! -honest! -Okay so I did but sometimes you just have to help yourself? Right?!) I gave her a quick run-down of the situation and persuaded her she needed to come to Chesterfield for a night out, with that I told him it was time to go... He was absolutely set on coming back to mine for a 'glass of wine' by this point I was so desperate to escape the poor bloke that I said, "theres absolutely no point what so ever in you thinking you are coming back to my place, I am not going to sleep with you, tonight or ever, I do not want you EVER knowing where I live because, for one: I don't want you thinking you can turn up in the middle of the night banging my door down because your drunk, Two: When I get board of you and f**k you off, which I will, I don't want you turning up at mine trying to apologise or whatever? Three: its my son's home and I don't want men round hes not familiar with, and besides I'm going out now with my mate so there will be no-one in anyway?

Personally i thought this was just a tiny bit harsh? But I was stunned when he said, "well can't I just come round while you get ready to go out and then I will go out with you?"
"no, its a girls night tonight, I'll drop you home and see you around?" I told him.
With that I left him stood on his own door step watching my drive away. I really thought that would have been the end of it, but bugger me if he don't keep texting me all night long telling me what a great time he had had and how fantastic he thought Connor is?! So dad when it comes to settling down, if thats the type of bloke that is out there then I don't want to be settled? Maybe I'm just not ready?

I need a direction in life, I need a goal, I need everything. I'm lost in my own head and nobody can help me. I treading a dangerous path, tempting fate and I'm scared I'm going to loose but part of me feels too sure of myself that I wont, and another part doesn't really care? I almost feel like using heroin to get the help I need but I don't know what that help is? I think I'm just in a bad time of my life? It will pass? but no-one can control time so I'll just accept that for now I'm screwed?

The truth is in the coffee....

2007-11-13T09:45:00.002-08:00

I had to laugh the other day when I was at my friends house (an ex user) and I asked her if she wanted a coffee. She said yes, so I boiled the kettle and then asked "how many sugars?" to which she replied..... "oh where am I.... oh yeah 3please?"

??? Where am I? 3 please? I was more than a bit confused so I said to her, "what do you mean?" "well..." she told me, in all seriousness... "if I'm out with people or at SPODA (Supporting Parents Of Drug Addicts support group) then I say 2 or one and a half, depending on who's there, but if I'm at home then I usually pile at least three in."

???Why?! I was more than confused now! "because people look at you, especially as a drug addict or ex-user and expect you to be really sugar hungry and unhealthy, so if you say 2 sugars it looks acceptable, or if you say one and a half it looks like you are really thinking about your health and watching what you consume? Then I make an excuse of needing more hot water, sneak into the kitchen and shovel 3more in!!"

I was doubled over laughing at her and her extreme efforts but shes right!! People have preconceived ideas of what smack heads are and are like, and I think that if you fulfill any of these notions, however small and innocent they are, it automatically creates a barrier or a line of distrust between the ex/user and the notion master, whom is probably sceptically and unfairly wary....?

Which then again makes me wonder, can you ever leave the past truly behind you?

2007-11-13T09:45:00.001-08:00

Once a smackhead always a smackhead?

2007-11-07T12:50:00.000-08:00

So the bad news today is Pete Doherty is back on the smack?
Which makes me think is it true what people say, once a smackhead always a smackhead?
Its so easy to fall back into. I still have to continuously argue with myself daily, and sometimes its racing through my mind every minute of every day.
I really thought it might have got a bit easier by now?

I can completely understand why people don't break the cycle. To get free of smack you have to be determined, dedicated and ready. You have to know that you are at the end of the line with your relationship with it and that you are certain you want to be done, clean, free. You have to be dedicated to yourself, committed to working towards a better future for yourself? The amount of effort and mental energy that is required is probably about the same as someone who wants to set up their own business?

You have to know that although other people will be there to help you, it ultimately comes down to you, only you can do the actual hard work that is needed to progress. Its you who has to work through all the hard times, put all the ground work in, set goals and tasks and then achieve them. Its you who has to wade through the dark times, who has to fight every inch who has to sacrifice every aspect of your life, which is your comfort zone, you have to up-turn all that, spin it round, shake it up and change it before you settle it back down?

For anyone to do such a thing with their life requires a massive commitment from themselves, to themselves. It requires self belief, will power, desire to grow and change, ability to accept mistakes and learn from them, re-building your own character and life, getting to know yourself, being in tune with your inner self and your feelings, knowing how to deal with things, face things accept mistakes accept yourself.

The irony is of course, that is if smackheads had all these things about them then they would not indeed be in their situation. Being dependent on heroin makes you feel worthless, useless, pathetic, like the scum of society that no-one wants to be connected with.
You loose all hope for the future, there is no future, there is no tomorrow, theres only the here and now. Tomorrow is when you are going to change, when you are going to stop. But tomorrow never comes, it gets lost under the here and now, the never ending present which is the only place you never want to be?

Shame burns you like the summer sun, tinges you and marks you-or so you believe? It brands you, sets you aside from normal people. You walk down the street, paranoid that people are looking at you, reading into your mind, knowing what you are? It prevents you from walking tall, standing proud, laughing loud and smiling like the worlds at your feet, because its not. The truth is your not living. Your existing. Crawling out from under your stone to do your seedy, dirty, scummy deed. Going back under your rock, into your hole to gouge out and rot away precious minutes of your life.

Minutes that other people have lost to illness, death or sacrificed for another's benefit? And there we are, the scum of society, robbing our own futures, our own present, and our own past, tainting our memories, wasting our time, letting life pass us by when we should be grabbing hold with two hands and racing forward doing as much as we can, gaining as much experience creating as many memories as we can. Instead we throw it all away by succumbing to addiction? Theres no life, no future in dependency of a substance, whatever the substance?

The question now is can the cycle be broken? Can a person be stronger than a substance? Its a mind game now, a battle of natures most powerful creation, the mind, against itself. So much is going on, so many thoughts and feelings, contradicting themselves, fighting against each other when they need to be working together? Can a person really over-come such a powerful addiction? Can they really put it behind them? Or will it always be there? Niggling away under the skin, poking at the mind, digging at memories, taunting the future?

I hate the cloud I've created that will now hangover my life forever? I wish I could turn back the clock and have never entered the gateway I stepped through?

But I did, and now I have to accept it and try and make sure that the cloud that hangs, is as high as possible, so it can no longer cast a shadow over my days? And with any luck, maybe my cloud will dry out completely so it can never rain on me again? For now though I think I will carry an umbrella?

x x x

normal?

2007-11-06T11:17:00.000-08:00

I've had a strange couple of days for different reasons than usual? I almost feel like I've been par-taking in a normal life?! I've had a few days off work, but I've been kept busy busy busy!! Of course it was Bonfire night last night. We had a great time with the boys (Connor and his friend Tom) They loved the fireworks and the huge fire and all the hot-dogs and stuff, but more than anything they loved riding on the quad bike around the fire!!

It was so nice to have time together properly, as things should be? Ive still got major issues hanging over my head with things but at least I had chance to let go and relax a little last night?
Today I've had a pretty normal day too. We got up late (which is never good but i still cant sleep? Its 3weeks now and Ive still not settled?) But once up we went to Home base to get the groundsman his paint and stuff, then I nipped home to feed my rabbits # Then school phoned me to collect Connor as they were concerned about a rash that had spread all over his body (after seeing the doctor it was confirmed he just had an allergic reaction to something he has eaten-no idea what-other than maybe a dairy product as he is lactose intolerant?) thankfully there was nothing seriously wrong with him?

I've had a nice quiet walk round town and got spoilt in Ann Summers!! (yippee!! ha!) i love seeing other people doing everyday things now, like walking round town...
At one time I used to dispise people... I would see people going about their everyday business, people who looked like they had never even been drunk let alone high... and I would hate them for being so 'straight' my mind would whirl thinking

'what do these people know about life? About the harshness of reality, about being lost in your own life and yourself, having no control and not knowing if you will ever get control back again? Hating every minute of your life because you are governed by something you resent? Knowing that people see you as the scum of society when really you have worked hard in life but have just fucked up? You hate yourself for hating your life, when really theres people dying out there, or fighting to live, but not for long and you know you put yourself in this position and now you don't like it? Its not easy?

Finish tomorrow, times up for today...

x x x

Three weeks in......

2007-11-05T07:53:00.000-08:00

I've had a few days away from here but not for anything bad, although I have had some trying moments!

Friday went pleasantly easy once again. I popped down to Derby to visit friends who had Connor over to stay for the night. It was so nice to see them again and when I looked at their house and then thought of mine, it brought home to me exactly how much time and money I have been wasting these last several months. When I came home I made a promise to myself to sort things out from scratch and get back on top of things?

Thing is its easy to say and daunting to do! So yes I have made myself a promise and I know what I need to do, but I've yet to make a start because I'm scared of actually doing it? Theres things I don't want to have to deal with and face just yet so I'm postponing it for a little while longer...... probably not the best plan, but I have good intentions...

I do know that in order for me to accomplish my goals I will have to stop running away from things and deal with them, but as it stands today, it's still a bit raw and a bit soon? I will deal with things very soon but not just yet. What I will do (sudden inspiration just over-came me) is, I will make a list of what I need to do & how I need to do things? A list is a start?!

Anyway, back to what I have been doing...
On Friday the bank robbed me, charged me 96quid over-night, despite telling me I was in credit and had nothing going out, so Saturday morning I played hell.... today they ring me up, apologise for their 'mistake' and say they will give me 36quid back? So they put me 46 over drawn, left me 59 pounds worth of unpaid bills and charge me 60quid for it? So I've lost 160 quid in one night for nothing?! Could I be anymore pissed off!

On Saturday we went out round town and had a fantastic time celebrating Abi's birthday. Although I found the whole day extremely hard to get through, every minute was a battle to keep myself away from temptation? I was at work in the morning, then I spent the afternoon doing bits and in town and stuff, and I constantly had a chaperone...mainly because i didn't trust myself and i thought it best to have someone around me, not only to distract me but to prevent me from being able to do anything should i have tried?

Whilst getting ready to go out I actually said to my sister that I was surprised at myself that I had made it all through the day with out doing anything? I think it's because I'm going out and its what I expect to do? It's the best time to have it, when you have had a drink? Its so much nicer and the effects are so much better? And its a fantastic hang over cure? So I defiantly miss it when I go out? But saying that I have been out twice and each time I have not prepared myself with it? I have managed to resist the temptation of having it there with me or to come home to?

Sunday was hard too, especially when I didn't have my tablets and I had to wait to go home! However, I have been managing on very little, I had 2mg on Friday, 2mg on Saturday and 4mg
on Sunday!

I have to cut this short now, time to go and all, but I've decided now that what I want to try and do (with all my spare time I have now got, now I'm free from the claws of addiction!) I want to try and write some kind of book/story of my experiences? But I'm going to approach it from a different angle I think? Mainly because I feel like I'm trapped in a constant battle with myself. There's the side of me that is what I am and what I do and there's the other side, which is what I want to be doing or am thinking of doing?

With this on mind and my experience itself I'm going to make a book of sorts from it? I also want to join a drugs support group for parents, so i can turn my knowledge gained from experience into something to help other people? Well that's what I'd like but it depends if anyones interested enough to want to know about it i suppose?!!

That's all for now, I cant wait to do a proper entry sometime soon, when I have more time!

x x x x

just a note..

2007-11-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

just a little one because im stuck for time today having been at work all day and now iv got a sick child to spend the evening with....
I'm still doing ok, this sleeping thing is driving me mad.....
The lady who works in Boots is so lovely, she told me the other day that when i went in that first week i made her cry because she so wanted me to be better and she hated seeing me so ill.... how sweet is that?!!!
Must be off for now but i have got things to say so i will do it tomorrow?

x x x

Too many 'good times'

2007-10-30T16:30:00.000-07:00

I look at these photos and they really make me think about how it all went wrong so easily? On the first photo I was a drug virgin, had never touched anything and certainly never planned to!

The second photo was taken about 8months later and we were both off our head on pills, but I think the second photo sums it all up for me? I'm out of my mind & theres my mate, looking haggard and drawn (which I didn't see until a few days ago) and theres me, almost looking up to him and idolising him.
I always thought that I only ever had good times when we were together and he could do no wrong? I think it shows here? I don't for one second blame him for my situation, I can't stress that enough! I'm putting no responsibility on him, what I am saying is that I think that for whatever reason I was pretty vulnerable at the time (as was he) and I was looking for someone to create some happiness and escape in my life, (as was he) and that's what I got but not in the way I wanted?
He opened some doors that I had never come across, my problem is I should have listened when he tried to shut them for me, but I didn't I kept pushing and pushing and eventually I made my own way through. I was warned so many times and had I took notice I would have been sat telling a very different story right now??
Predicting that I was venturing too far down a very dangerous path he closed me off, shut me out from all the bad things that were around me and told other people to do the same, but being devious and determined I found a way round all of his decoys and sought my own path to destruction.
I can pin point the very weekend that my desire/want turned to 'need' and became my addiction. It was when this photo was taken that my spiral of decline began...

I had the chance to rough it out and stay away but it was too easy to be drawn in and in some warped way I felt like I needed the negative experience of addiction?
I almost wanted to learn a life-lesson in order to progress, develop and move on with myself and my life, but I hadn't bargained on exactly how hard it would be and the catastrophic knock-on effects of reality? I guess I had romanticised the notion and was extremely naive of the consequences?
But as always I learned the hard way.... not always the best way?
I do believe that everything happens for a reason though and I'm going to make sure that this is the turning point of my life in many more ways than one?

x x

Summer 2006

2007-10-30T16:12:00.001-07:00

This was me in the summer of 2006 getting ready for a girls night out

At this point I was still dabbling and could take it or leave it? It was about two months after this that i first realised I could have serious problems with addiction.

At this point I was still naive and believed I could fully control it? I probably could if I had never touched the stuff again?

Trust progress and results

2007-10-29T14:17:00.000-07:00

I went to see the Doctor today and she was really pleased with my progress. My sample was negative (as expected) and as a result she gave me a months worth of prescription, and i don't have to be supervised anymore, I get to go and collect my meds twice a week now.

I had a long chat with my drug worker, I talked to him about the issues I'm struggling with and how I could deal with them? What changes I need to make and triggers I need to be aware of?
He says I'm doing all the right things, people usually take a few weeks longer to pick these things up but I've taken control from the start.... Well that's what I'm in this for... change.

I got a lot from today's session, its better talking to people who really know what they are talking about because not only can they recognise where I'm coming from, but they can also explain things to me in a way that i can relate to?

I've learnt today that I may be doing all that I can, and I may know where I want to be, but I can't do all the work myself. Other people have to work through this with me and they will take their own time to do so, but all i can do in the mean time is keep on keeping on. After all I'm doing this for me, so it doesn't matter how long it takes for other people to move on?
I can understand why people would be reluctant to trust someone in my position,but i think you should assess each person individually and focus on each positive aspect as a step forward.

I'm staying on my 6mg for now, I didn't feel ready to drop down just yet, if i did I know i would be setting myself up for a fall. I need my mind to be completely ready before i try and decrease otherwise I will fall to temptation I know it.

If i picture my old way of like as a dark fog and my new life, where I want to be as a bright light fog, I know i am still standing in the midst of patchy fog. Sometimes i have a step into a clear patch and sometimes I have a foot in the murky bit? I don't know why I feel so negative about things at the moment?

I think that I built myself up for so long, waiting for the 15th of October, so I could start the tablets, then I did it, i went through hell to get all the badness out my body, then the tablets started to kick in, and suddenly I felt unusually well which was pleasantly novel?
But now I think the enormity of what Ive took on has started to hit me? Its not just a week or two that's going to be disrupted, its a week or two that takes the brunt of what I'm doing but this is something that is going to be a massive influence on my life for the for-see able future yet, and i just want it behind me?

I certainly feel a whole lot better since i spoke with my drug worker? He seems to have cleared the smudges that were blurring my window? I feel like a ball of emotions and energy and i just don't know what i want to do with myself? When i do find something to focus on i know i will give it 100% and some and it will be great, but for now i don't know what it is?

I'm frustrated because i know how i want things to be but they aren't happening fast enough, but if they did happen just like that it wouldn't work out in the long run?
I need something to distract me, I keep saying it but i know that's the answer! Ive got so much inside to give to something, mentally, emotionally, physically, i can feel it all charging round, that's whats bringing me down. no outlet for all this inner zellop (that's my word for what it is i don't know?!)

My relationship with 'miss Heroin' is over, but just like when you finish with a partner you have to adapt your whole lifestyle. Now I've suddenly got so much space in my life (almost a void) that I wasn't prepared for. That's whats making it hard for me to cope right now? I know i will get through it, its just the initial adapting period? I wonder if this will ever be truly over or if there will always be a tiny part of me trapped in this?

Real

2007-10-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

Today has been really hard for some reason? I went out last night with Katie and had an eventful night to say the least?! Definitely had a good time, but Katie made us go home early :-( boring boring!! We had a scare when we saw a bloke we knew from a few years back. The moron indecently assaulted me, then later started a riot in the pub we were running-smashing the place to pieces, breaking every phone in sight so we couldn't call for help. I hit him a couple of times and he gave me a fair beating? The police came in full riot gear, on mass to help us. It was probably the most terrifying night of my life.

Katie had spotted him-stood about six feet away from us-and pointed him out to me, it was then that he looked straight at us and gave us the most evil glare/smile. We legged it to the toilets and freaked out. Just the sight of him made me burst into tears. We know from past experience that he has been out specifically to look for us (and do what I don't know?) and now he has found us. Great.
After all that drama the night ended quietly after I nearly broke me neck rolling down a hill on an abandoned shopping trolley!

I had no drugs to go home to so I simply passed out on the sofa listening to the Libertines album and somehow woke up in bed, undressed but with pretty much perfect hair and makeup at 10am (or 9am depending if you knew the clocks had changed?)

However, from the second I woke up I knew I was going to struggle today? The first thing that ran through my mind was wanting a toot? I decided to watch some American animal rescue program to change my frame of mind but it really depressed me? I lay in bed for more than an hour wrestling my mind with my conscience. It seemed that every second that passed I just felt worse and worse?

Is this what I'm going to have to go through every time? Battling with myself? Because if so I know I will at some point cave in? Nothing held any interest for me this morning, my house was a mess, but I didn't tidy or clean it, I stank of pubs/clubs but didn't jump in the bath first thing, I just threw some comfy clothes on (combats, vest top and Ugg boots) and as soon as I was able I went straight round to Rachael's house. Anything to escape my own four walls as they drive me insane at times?

I vegged round her house reading crappy women's mags, until Katie asked if I wanted to go out for breakfast? Keen to have something to occupy my mind I went round home. Katie bless her had already began tidying up for me and as she had just been in the bath and was looking 'fresh' as always I decided it was what I also needed to do. So I quickly pulled myself together, had a bath put some nice clean clothes on and we headed out for breakfast.

By this time it was actually lunch time and we only had dinner at Tesco's but it was nice all the same. I like being round people who have no connection to drugs. I watch people walking down the road, or round the shops, where-ever, just going about their everyday life and I think how lucky they are and how much I would like to be one of them? But I can't at the moment? Theres something holding me back? I don't know what it is but its always been there in my life for as long as i can remember? Something that's missing from my life? The part that makes a person happy?

Because I feel like I'm drowning in a black cloud today I didn't trust myself to be on my own. So when Kay invited me to be with her for the afternoon (even though the afternoons events were somewhat not my regular kind of thing!) I was relieved to have the chance to do something knowing full well I was 100% safe from temptation!

I found that its probably not wise to drink like a fish and then not have your tablets properly either? I certainly felt rough, I only had 2mg this morning and by 5pm I was beginning to rattle
so I had to curl up in a chair a sleep it off. Not the ideal situation when your in a room full of 'normal' people who are all at the afternoons gathering for their own purpose and probably wondered why I was sleeping? (Those who don't know what it was-it were a bit like a party of sorts?!)

I had another 3mg in my purse so I had that and felt a little bit better, though I found it hard to 'socialize' with people today? I think partly because I didn't feel so fantastic but more so because of my frame of mind? I feel so low and unenthusiastic with life in general, I could almost say I feel like I'm being dragged through life by a dark (I won't say dark cloud-everybody uses that term, I'm going to have a headless horse I think?) by a dark headless horse? With no legs? No I cant have that either? A dark headless horse in a cocoon of fog? maybe I'm wallowing in self pity or something? At one point I had some bloke (Si) trying to convince me I might like to wear spandex/latex tights? I felt like saying "shove your latex down your throat, I'm here to make sure I get wasted on smack, not to convert to fucking spandex you spanner!But I didn't?

I feel really shallow for feeling crap today, especially when I've been in the company of someone who is going through such a tragic and hard time that is out of his control and is only going to get worse for him? I think how can I moan at myself? I put myself in this position, I made this my life. People don't ask to get ill and die, but it happens and it happens to everyone around them too? Then theres idiots like me who just go out and fuck up because they want to or because they are too selfish or self-absorbed to do otherwise?

My life is nowhere near where I would have chosen for it to be, but its out of my hands to a certain degree? If I had had it my way I would have been settled with at least one more child by now? I'd be working in a job that made me happy, or I'd even have my own business of sorts? And I may not be married but I'd be not single?
But I can't make those things happen? I can't make myself not single? There's no-one out there suitable, so I'm then out in a completely different field from my goal posts?

I don't know whats wrong with me today but I've been thinking lots and I've drawn the same conclusion I've always known for years. I'm not happy with my life. I pretty much hate almost every aspect of it? I resent myself for how things are, and I don't know how to change them? How do you change being a single working mum, working for peanuts, going nowhere in life. Getting passed by and stood on in the process? Its shit. That's why I want to do something to carve my own future out. I need to find something fulfilling and rewarding that will make me happy? I need to find a career out of what I've got in me as a person already? If that makes sense? I've got to break the mould and change thing or I probably will end up back on the wrong track?

If I didn't know myself better I'd say I were depressed because things feel like they are smothering me, I wonder if I can cope? If I want to cope? Whats the point? Its all a bit much sometimes? But instead of thinking of it as depression I think of it as a reality channel, as a learning curve, as a realization and rationalizing project? Understanding things from an alternative perspective?

Its hard to explain, I feel like I'm on the edge of a windy cliff, with a safety harness on but its not fastened up right? I'm so close to being blown off & either crash-kill myself completely, or fall so hard and fast that I might survive but I'll be fucked forever so whats the point? But at the same time I'm so close to figuring everything out and things will fall into place and it might be a bit bumpy but once I'm clipped in I'm sorted. I'll get to where I want to be because that's the only way to go?

I think a psychiatrist may think I'm screwed in the head?
Maybe I am?
We all are one way or another, I just verbalise my mind-fuck!

I've had enough for today. I don't feel good at all so I'm going to go do things that need to be done then at least I've gained something productive from my day? Rather than moping it away?

I thought the physical pain of the withdrawal was difficult to cope with but its nothing compared to the mental torture your mind races through continuously. There's no rest from it and it wears you down and out so fast.
I'm done
x x x

Inspired results....

2007-10-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

Just a tiny note to say WELL DONE to Kay/Kat (whoever you want to be called!) & Lu, for stopping smoking.
Apparently me near death experience (OK so that's a little exaggeration?! but i felt like i was dying i swear!) has inspired them both to stop smoking!!
I do feel a bit guilty for denying you one of your few pleasures in life but I've always been a huge anti-smoker so I'm pleased you aren't doing it anymore? It must be right that more people die from smoking related diseases than smack related? So keep it up and avoid the buses!! (Don't suffer giving up anything and then get hit by a bus, that's harsh harsh bad luck!)

Behind the meanings?

2007-10-27T09:05:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to pass time "cleanly' as I prepare for tonight? I'm going out round town with my sister and I'm beginning to wonder how and if I will cope and survive the night clean? I'll be amazed if I do because old habits die hard and like anybody else I really don't care about anything when Ive had a good drink?!!

So now my mind is over-active running round in circles having schitzo arguments with myself and my conscience? It would be easier if I did want it in a way? But I don't physically want it, I have zero urge to have it, so why do I possibly think I might? Why aren't my mind and my body in sync?!

Then what confuses me even more is... I don't really fancy a drink either... but I'll be doing that (by the bucket load!) so I'm confusing myself with my mind/body connection? I'll be doing something I'm not too bothered about doing but then I'll have to try so hard not to do something I think I might want to do even though I don't feel I want to???? ?? ? ? ? ????

On another note I've had all my hair cut off today. Ive gone for a POB (Beckham bob) Only I've had it bit longer and I've not gone lighter as planned I've gone darker (black/blue) So really I've had more of a Rhiannon cut? (can i name it a ROB?!) I have not been to the hairdressers for years&years, the last time i went i was pregnant, and he's now eight so it were a while back!!

It were kind of nice to do something "normal" but I can't imagine being one of those people who go every six weeks or so?! I'm having my eyelashes tinted soon and my nails done... that I could probably get into? In my quest to be "normal" I could end up turning myself into a bimbo!!

I done a really good deed today... whilst at work an oldish couple came into the shop asking for directions. I tried explaining to them that they were about a mile or so away&then realised they were walking... So as I was just about to shut up shop I offered to take them to their destination (which was out my way!) They were extremely grateful & in return I prayed to the Gods above that the hairdresser would not find nits in my hair?! Did it work? I don't know but she never mentioned it to me so I'm happy! Ha!

I'm going to go bit serious now..... For ages and ages someone has been telling me about a poem I must read.....It was wrote by a man in prison who chose to remain anonymous? Why I don't know because its amazing and it really puts into perspective the ease in which something can take a hold of a person-how someone can fall so hard and fast without even noticing?
Here it is:

Take Me in Your Arms
(Miss Heroin)

So now, little man, you've grown tired of grass
LSD, goofballs, cocaine and hash,
and someone, pretending to be a true friend,
said, "I'll introduce you to Miss Heroin."
Well honey, before you start fooling with me,
just let me inform you of how it will be.

For I will seduce you and make you my slave,
I've sent men much stronger than you to their graves.
You think you could never become a disgrace,
and end up addicted to Poppy seed waste.

So you'll start inhaling me one afternoon,
you'll take me into your arms very soon.
And once I've entered deep down in your veins,
The craving will nearly drive you insane.

You'll swindle your mother and just for a buck.
You'll turn into something vile and corrupt.
You'll mug and you'll steal for my narcotic charm,
and feel contentment when I'm in your arms.

The day, when you realize the monster you've grown,
you'll solemnly swear to leave me alone.
If you think you've got that mystical knack,
then sweetie, just try getting me off your back.

The vomit, the cramps, your gut tied in knots.
The jangling nerves screaming for one more shot.
The hot chills and cold sweats, withdrawal pains,
can only be saved by my little white grains.

There's no other way, and there's no need to look,
for deep down inside you know you are hooked.
You'll desperately run to the pushers and then,
you'll welcome me back to your arms once again.

And you will return just as I foretold!
I know that you'll give me your body and soul.
You'll give up your morals, your conscience, your heart.
And you will be mine until, "Death Do Us Part"
-Anonymous

For anyone who has been on the wrong side of this addiction I think they will be able to relate so well to this? As well as starving your children, yourself and your pets, borrowing money and gaining huge debts, looking in the mirror you no longer see, the happy healthy person that used to be? (hey I could add my own verse in here!-I'll work on it for another day!)

As anyone will know from my story its not quite been like that for me. Ive never injected and Ive never really done any other drugs? I have done some, but only recreationally, never as a problem and never things like LSD or acid or speed or things like that? I wouldn't even know what those things look like?!! Or what to do with them?!! Which I think is pretty good for a baghead! HA!

There is song which I listen to quite often which I realised this morning has a scary double meaning? Read this (from my point of view) and think of the "you" as being my son....

I've been down so low people look at me and they know,
they can tell something is wrong
like I don't belong,
well, staring through a window standing outside they're just too happy to care
and I wanna be like them but I'll mess it up again,
I tripped them out when God kicked outside everybody's soul.

Chorus:
And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I cant feel it right now,
I thought I was doing well but I just want to cry now,
Well I know that its a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
but I can only see when you're here, here with me.

Sometimes I feel so full that it just comes spilling out,
it's uncomfortable to see I give it away so easily,
but if I had someone I would do anything and never never never never let you feel alone
I wont, I wont leave u on your own,
who am I to dream, dreams are for fools, they always let you down.

Chorus:
And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I cant feel it right now,
I thought I was doing well but I just want to cry now,
Well I know that its a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
but I can only see when you're here, here with me.

Now sometimes I listen to this and I think of 'you' as being my Connor and its a lovely song, its uplifting and inspiring and it makes me appreciate how lucky I am to have a child like mine because as anyone who knows us will tell you hes unique, so clever for his age and so understanding, caring, considerate and sensitive to peoples needs, especially mine. It makes me think that I can turn myself around and do something good for us both? But now read it again and think of "you" as being heroin...

It's scarily right? Its how that stuff makes you feel? Like a comfort blanket protecting you from the world. Like you and your whole life is a mess and everyone else is passing you by. You want to be normal but its holding you back? You can't be normal without it? When you have it it makes you think everything is alright? Nothing matters when your high, you can cope with anything, you put yourself on a pedestal and no-one can touch you. All your problems have gone, or can wait while tomorrow? And tomorrow you will get clean because you can do it...just not today? The world is a wonderful place, but you can only see it when your within the power of that?

So now I'm judging my progress on the value of a ten pound note and James Morrison's lyrics? If I had to do marks out of ten and 0 was bad and 10 was happy, I'll never be a ten (well i might be in spits and spats but not as a regular thing... I'm too realistic!) So I think I'm wise to aim for an 8....? I'll never be a zero again? Zero to me is being happy to be a junkie because I'm pist at life for being so shit? Now I can accept that its pretty shit for most people in a similar kind of way but at the same time I should be grateful for being alive in the first place, being able to wake in a morning and have the things i have got in my life?

I would say a 2 was low for me? I wouldn't like to be at 2 for any length of time? So on my scale of 1-10 I'm working between 2-8? That don't give me much scope? I'll change my scale to -2 - 12 I think? If that's the case then i think i would place myself at.... 3 (for optimism of tonight's events-predicting failure and also because I'm not going to cheat and lie about it-I will admit I've screwed up) But over-all I think I would mark my progress at a 6?

I have got an end target in mind and I'm slowly working my way towards it but it will take time because I've involved so many other people, they need to progress and travel this journey with me? (As pointed out to me by someones comment which I'm very grateful for because I was being a little selfish and not thinking of it from their point of view?)

So I will part for today and prepare myself for tonight? All I can say is that I really don't want to let myself down but I can't promise I won't? However I can say that if I did intend to do it, I would in fact go and score now, before I even went out so that I would know that I had something to go home to? Which is what I would have done before without even thinking about it? So at least I can see I must have made some progress as I have managed to change my pattern of behavior? That's a good note to end on i reckon?!

x x x x

Testing times....

2007-10-26T11:24:00.000-07:00

Another weekend is upon me...... AAAHHHHHH!!

I hate the weekends, I find them harder than normal!! Tonight I'm going to stay with Katie, get drunk and watch the rocky horror picture show?!! And in the morning I'm at work, I'm having my hair cut tomorrow and then I'm going out with Katie, round town.... Yeah!!!!

However I don't know how I'm going to cope drinking without tooting? I'm not looking forward to it, its going to be hard, i can feel the pressure already?

But i gotta face it one day so.....

I've had quite a mentally hard day today? Its hard when you openly put yourself through something like this and then realise that despite all your hard work people still don't trust you? I can understand why, but I find it frustrating to deal with?

As i said to someone (lets call him Bob?) as i said to Bob... Why would I suffer everything i did last week and then go back to smoking shit so carelessly? Basically what happened was: I had just had a tablet, i heard the door go so i went to see who it were, then i saw my tablets on the side so i quickly shoved them in my bag, but then i saw the bag they came in so i grabbed that and shoved it in my bag too, but whilst doing this Bob walked in and jumped to conclusions.

Whats in the bag? he asked- "my tablets, i were just putting them away" I told him..... "show me?" he demanded... so i showed him. Usually that would be enough? But no.. "empty your bag" by this point i were not too happy!! I told him to just look through it if he were that interested? But no, so then we got in a full circle argument whereby no1 can win because theres no answer? I told him that the only way he would be happy is if i emptied my bag and there was foil&heroin there? But there wasn't so how can i show nothing? I refused to empty my bag on the grounds of -I cant show you nothing? if you think theres something there you find it?- But he wouldn't look? so what do you do?

I was so annoyed, because I suffered hell last week, Ive since changed my life style, i don't associate with any one any more, i have no numbers in my phone, i don't ring, see, speak, meet or text anyone like that anymore, Ive been going into town twice a day everyday to have my tablets under supervision..... So what more can i do?! I don't understand?! If I were hanging around with those sorts, if my phone was constantly going, if i were nipping out unexplainedly I could accept it? But I'm not?!

So I had quite a long hard think today? I wonder if I'm doing it right by being so open and honest and admitting my faults and how hard it is? Maybe i should have carried on doing it in secret? Like I did for so long? But would I have done it? Probably not? Then it makes me think, am I always going to have this hanging over my head? Am i ever going to be able to get through it and more importantly put it behind me and leave it in the past? At the minute I think not?

How do you manage to make it a thing of the past when other people are forever holding it in your face?

This is SSSSOOOOOOOOOO HARDDDDD!!!

I'm done for today-I'm not in the mood....

x x x x

(God Bless my Nan Lees -died 8 years ago this week aged 94 and Nan Fletcher died 3 years ago this week aged 99 x x x)

Another day clean

2007-10-24T04:53:00.000-07:00

It almost 1pm and i haven't had any medication yet? I'm going into town in an hour or so to pick it up. I feel fine which makes me wonder do I need it? I wonder what it would be like to not have it? would I be ill?
I texted my drug worker yesterday and told him about me dropping my dose. He told me to be careful and not to rush things? I said that I just want to be clean throughout? But if i have to be on tablets for 6months then I want to be on the lowest dose possible? Its no good saying "well done for not smoking class A's anymore, but here have some medication so your body is still dependent on something?" That doesn't make sense to me?

The other part of it which I daren't mention to them at the clinic, is people maybe on 16mg for months and months but that doesn't mean they are taking 16mg a day? I could have stayed on 8 or upped to 16, but really have only taken 6, used on top and sold the extra medication i would be storing? That's how the majority of other people do it?

But as I have said from the start I'm not here, going through this, to just lie and cheat the tests? I want this chapter of my life to be a closed part of the book? We were arguing last night because basically Craig doesn't have much faith in me to get through this? He says I'm currently doing a very good job and even he can't deny that, but can I keep it up? He says that when he spoke to my drug worker, even he told him that the success rate is very minimal? Even on Subutex people end up going back to it?

I'm sure they do - God knows he makes me want to do it sometimes?! But as I pointed out to him, I've changed my friends, i don't see, speak to, text or hang around with anyone in that circle anymore? I have one number that's a strong connection, but i don't use it? Its simply in my phone so that should that person choose to contact me i will at least know its them and have the choice to ignore it?

He knows more than anyone just how much I've changed things and hes still doubtful? I did say that whatever I do I don't think it will be good enough for him? He will always be waiting for me to fail? I told him if hes that sure im going to fail at this then why not just fuck off now? His reply-because nobody wants me to do this more than him? So wheres the sense in all that for me?!

Hes defiantly a better help to me now I'm through the physical worst of it, but its a good job I'm mentally strong enough to stand my ground and argue my point with him? The way he goes on hes enough to pull anybody down at times! Its hard to keep it together when you got someone constantly poking negativity at you? The way he sees it is I should use it as an incentive to prove him wrong? (moronic logic!)

I've got to go have my tablets now, If nothing else I'm sooooo tired! I'm back at work tomorrow, so I gotta get me an early night tonight and get some sleep sorted?

Another step forward

2007-10-23T12:51:00.000-07:00

So today I've started my 6mg rather than 8. How do I feel? quite tired! yeah! I didn't sleep well again last night, I lay awake counting the stars for hours last night listening to Craig sleeping like a baby & with every breath he took I felt like sticking my fingers up his nose just to disrupt his peaceful sleep!! (jealousy is a funny thing!)

At least im not thrashing around the bed sweating toxic fumes, freezing cold, rolling my eyes, muttering incoherent jumble and completely delirious with pain....?! How grateful am i that week has passed! ~It was so slow and painful, but it was certainly worth it!

Ive now set myself a kinda personal mission to change certain aspects of my life. I need to make sure my life, my friends, my hobbies, my interests and my time all revolve in different circles away from temptations.....

I decided that today was the day to get in touch with old friends, my friends from school days who have always been there for me through everything (except this as i purposely kept them as far from this side of me as possible?) I texted them both today and we are going to meet up next week which im really looking forward to.

I am a little bit scared and part of me feels its a bit too early, because i really feel like i messed up and let them down in a way? I know i am moving in the right direction with everything but Im not out of the woods just yet. A tiny part of me is worried because I don't want to face them while all this is still hanging over my head, but I know that's just me and my thinking, neither of them would ever make me feel bad, in fact seeing both of them will do me good I know it will. They will give me something to aspire to, because if i could be the slightest bit like either one of them I be proud.

I was speaking to someone today who used to dabble with the gear a bit and he saw himself heading in the wrong direction and took control of his life and made changes to stay away. He did it, he sorted himself out and has done real well for himself, but he was saying that even now ~its out of his life~ he still gets tempted by it? He told me to note the warning signs and make a conscious effort to stay away.....

Its so easy to slip, or think you have got it under control, when really its the heroin that is dominating you. Its hard to get clean but its a hundred and some times harder to stay clean? He said to me - You find yourself thinking "oh its ***enter your own lame excuse here*** tonight, i'l have a bag to celebrate?"
I can completely understand that, thats exactly how it comes across my mind, or even worse, the one that torments me at the moment is "should i have a bag? I know i shouldn't but then I could see if my tablets are working?!" Which is crazy because the whole point of my tablets are that should i try and use i will have zero or very little effect from it so therefore its pointless!?!

At the moment I enjoy having a choice. Only a matter of 8days ago i couldn't choose whether or not i wanted it, I had to have regardless of what i may have actually wanted?!

I have to be quick now because its time for me to go home now but...
I judge how independent from the drug i am by the value of a ten pound note...
In the depths of addiction ten pounds to me meant i was not ill for that day/half day whatever...
now ten pounds means to me... a power ranger & a selection box, or a dvd, or a power ranger mystic morpher, or a power ranger helmet....
whatever it maybe doesn't really matter, the important thing is that my needs are now secondary to my sons wishes, which is exactly as it should be!

But I will know that I'm clearing the danger zone when I begin thinking completely differently, because at the moment I still think that should i need to i could still find ten pounds for a bag? Fortunately i don't need to but some time soon i will hopefully be thinking that no matter how much money i may have i will never be able to spare ten pounds for that because there is no need or desire for it?

When i write tomorrow I'm going to tell you about my theory of my mind&medication relationship? My drug worker thinks its an interesting approach but i cant see any other way around it?!

That's all for tonight, til tomorrow

x x x x

just a little one...

2007-10-22T10:40:00.000-07:00

just read the comments and wanted to say....

I'm not saying giving up the gear is easy!! i only said this one weekend has been surprisingly easy?!
And that's because i was mentally prepared for it and Ive had the support! Next weekend when ive been out and had a drink and got hangover from hell i could well be saying that i fucked up? who knows? its one day at a time and the up's and down's that go with it, that's what all this is about?! I still find that sub-consciously it is still going round and round in my head but Ive got to learn not to listen to it?!

It has been my family that have pulled me through this, i would have done it anyway because that's me, but i have had it made a hell of a lot easier because of the support! i appreciate i am lucky! But as with life itself I'm sure I'll get something bad thrown at me at some point through out this.....like when my dad finds out and dis-owns me.......? (that's my one true worry in life?!)

All i could say to anyone who's ever planning on going through this or has a family member who is/was like me... is this:

Read this what i write, Read the comments from Kat&if you know her talk to her about this experience, and look at the comment some-one has left me about her son (the crack/acid addict-clean for 7years) that comment from "a mum" said it all for me... people make mistakes, those who are serious about getting clean will do it, but if theres one thing that i have learnt from all this, its that the love and support of your family will get you through anything in life.

Addicts get to a point where sometimes family and friends do need to turn there back to make them realise the extent of their problem (Craig did it to me) but when they make the steps to change, thats the time to be behind them.
No-body likes to be a disappointment or a failure, regardless, having support is like a lifeline, its a goal to aim for, its an achievement that's possible to achieve and also, most importantly its a life away from the mess your in?

You can't expect an addict to get clean when their only friends in the world are other addicts. No matter how bad they want to be clean if that's all that's around them they will fail. Heroin is so powerful, so controlling and so seductive if you haven't been there you can't really understand the sheer power of it. Its evil in a powder. Even the strongest people succumb to it and get pulled under?

You need to be there for them through the tough time, and the rewards will be so much greater, and chance of relapse is minimal? (its mental & physical hell to withdraw-could a smoker cope if someone else just decided enough was enough and took away their fags? NO! they would go crazy!! that's why it has to be the user that has to be ready!)
No-body aims to become an addict but shit happens. Once upon a time every addict was a newborn baby who everybody loved and was proud to show off, its that nurturing that unconditional loved that could get anybody through the dark times.....don't give up on them completely unless your so so so so sure its the right thing for you to do?

That was deep.......?!

x x x

PROGRESS!!!

2007-10-22T08:49:00.000-07:00

So I have been to the docs and she has dropped me down to 6mg!!!
First off she asked me if i was happy on 8, to which i said no, i want to decrease, I think she was quite surprised as many people usually increase to 16?
But i agreed to decease to 6 and then stick it out at 6 for a while. She said til after Xmas, i said bonfire night?!

I hope i don't shoot myself in the foot trying to run before i can walk? (maybe i should put the gun down before i move anywhere?!)

So Ive have had my 8 today and tomorrow in down to 6! Hopefully il be able to sleep a little now because these tablets are amazing for giving you loads of energy-so much so that iv forgotten what it feels like to be tired?! (naturally tired?!)

while Im here im going to have a moan at a couple of other things.... I need some Karma luck.... some evil female has upset me (even Kay/Kat will back me up on that!) and she needs some bad Karma back for her actions..... If Karma don't come soon I'll create my own!! (im refraining from doing so just yet in protection of my own Karma....?!)

The other thing is, i think i need something to keep me calm and keep my goodness focused?! If i had the things i need i would get creative and make myself a pendant or something, to absorb my negative energy, because idiot nasty people are winding me up and messing with my aura?! (im sure they not but its better than messing with my mind?! Ha!)

If you could erase people from your life would you do it? That's what im wondering? Especially when i have to think-that in ten years time i won't really have anything to do with them any more? But if you erased them it would mean no contact ever again? would a lifetime of curiosity be worse than continuous irritations?! Curiosity killed the cat but irritation probably killed a whole bunch of other people?! (women's mags are full of stories!)

What would be nice would be to just have a little peek, maybe like into 12months from now, then i could see what i were meant to be doing with my life, and then i would know who is worth my time now and who's not?! Apparently I'm meant to be having a daughter when I'm 27... so iv always been told? I cant see that happening somehow?! i wont have to wait long to find out, its my birthday at Xmas!

The weird thing is that ever since i was little i always wanted to be 27....When i was young i used to think that being 27 was the best thing ever&it was going to be the best year ever and it would be like the start of my proper life? like being a grown up, well as you do think when you are 7year old?! but also for a while i thought i was going to die when i was 27..? Maybe i was? maybe that was indeed my destiny if i had not changed my ways? but I have so now what?????

I will have to wait and see what the future had in store for me? I do feel like things are going to change massively? i don't know what makes me think that? but i said so to Katie and Rachael the other fay that i think in 12months time things will a whole world away from how they are today? The only reason behind it i can think of is that when im 27 i will in fact be in my 28th year of life, life gos in 7year cycles (supposedly) so it will be the start of my 4th life cycle?

Maybe that's it?

waffle over I'm done for today x x x

PS-those people who know me and have found out through this.... I'm sorry!
I think i will text me oldest 2 friends soon, Ive been staying away, purposely because of this and i don't want them to know me like i was? but hopefully now I'm normal again i can rekindle friendships? (also its always worked that when one of us has got a new boyfriend someone else gets dumped...so by any combination it seems that one person gets dumped as the other two are all loved up, its odd but its always been like that! I'm not saying im loved up by any stretch, but im happy with who im seeing, but those two are both in LTR and i don't want to jinx them!) HA! xx

One Week In:

2007-10-22T05:13:00.000-07:00

Well its Monday morning and I'm one week into this.
Ive just been reading all my comments again, I notice that people i really know have now found me...... GREAT?!

I hid under my scarf whilst reading all the comments.... like thats going to help?

So, whats what today?

I'm at the docs at 2.30, I'm going to see if i can drop my meds down to 6mg this week rather than 8mg? I don't think she will be too keen but if nothing else i cant sleep on 8? also .... I? dont know il come back to that bit when i remember?!

So how was the weekend? Surprisingly easy to be honest? It helps that i have no physical cravings.... it was boredom that was a big problem for me in the first place? Friday night i just didn't bother and that was that. Saturday i took the kids to town, looking at all the Christmas things, then we went to the park, It was freezing cold and wet but we all had a great time jumping in the leaves freezing our hands off on the swings. It was fantastic to be out doing something, where as usually on a Saturday morning id be warm at home, gouging out while the kids played play station games?

We all defiantly prefer the park, and next time we are going to go up to the woods and go exploring? Saturday night I went to the cinema and stayed home for the first time since i been better?

Katie & Corey kept me busy all Sunday, we went for a walk by the river and took the kids out for the day, which was lovely!

Its not all been plain sailing-I had a close encounter last night. I got put in a position where i had no choice but to be around it for a short space of time (some-one owed me money..) But while i were there they went through the process of scoring and then using.....

I have to say i hated every minute of it. Ringing up... and then ringing someone else I were just thinking... Why bother, theres none about just leave it? Of course they didn't.. then they had to arrange to meet.... That was a test of patience! Luckily for them they only had to wait (my) 15 mins I say MY because my 15mins is a drug dealers one minute That WINDS me UP!

Then of course there was the fun bit.... Well i weren't one bit tempted, it stunk VILE and i could not see the attraction what so ever? The only thing about it that was slightly appealing was the comfort of having something familiar? If that makes sense? I see why my drug worker says im still in the danger period, because im sure loads of people would prefer that comfort than the satisfaction of rejection? And the bit that REALLY wound me up, was trying to talk to someone whos just had a line or two of that. I don't know how i ever held it together or how people put up with me? Its awful. That pushed my patience too far trying to talk to a mong....! So i left them with it....

I think if your ready to do it, getting sorted is pretty easy? theres always going to be some kind of temptation for quite a long while after? but if you really don't want that connected to your life its easy to pull away?

Right im off to the docs now? see what she says? Fingers crossed!!

x x x

Scary moments....

2007-10-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

Scary moments..... ive had a few.... one just now when i seen my comments..... and theres Gran?!!!

I were so scared that I didn't dare read it till Rach had read it first?!
I'm so happy with your comment Gran (and especially for you I'm not writing in yellow!!)
Its really hard when people you know find out, (my mum &the girls &my dad &his crew still dont know-and hopefully never will?) because.... I got to think how to get this across right now...

I'm certainly not proud of what I've done, but I don't regret it either? I think you should learn from everything in life &someway or another I'm going to make sure that this ends up being beneficial to me? How I'm going to turn it that way round just yet I don't know, but I will!!

The week end.. end of week?

2007-10-19T04:44:00.000-07:00

These tablets give you loads of energy.... but now i can't seem to sleep?!
it were gone 4.15 am by the time i fell asleep last night and i were up at 7ish this morning?!

My ears are still sore?

Iv had my morning meds and i feel great. Ive been out and about round town all morning Christmas shopping with Jamie and had a great time be back soon!

The First rejection.....

2007-10-18T14:08:00.000-07:00

Just a quick one to say that iv had my second lot of medication and and seen my drug worker. (he looked different today? did he or is it my eyes? now they are clean?)

I had a good long chat with him, and im going to see the doctor again on monday. The thing is all this chatting about how im doing and everything is good, but when he keeps telling me to stick the meds and not use on top because im at a danger point it kinda makes me want to go try?!!!

OBVIOUSLY I WON'T! but it does plant seeds in my head, why cant he talk about knitting or something?!

Now i got to keep myself occupied.... this is the hard bit cuz its not for a day or two its for life!

Anyways good news is that i had my first rejection today...... oh i didnt get a clean wee...... (thats an after thought-i should have done a wee test&it would have been my first negative one but i forgot to wee! bum!)

I were saying. my first rejection, yes, i walked out of the smackshop and as i were waiting for my lift to come and saw one of the wrong crowd as you may call them? any how, naturally they asked me if i wanted anything (because very few people are really clean who go to the clinic? thats a fact) so tempted as i was.... (which really wasnt that much cuz i have no physical craving anymore?) i said thanks but no thanks....
It was strange cuz its something im so used to doing but really dont want to do any more? i just need my head to catch up with my body?
YEAH!!!! It was quite weird but good!?!

Also i mentioned about being off my Subi tablets by Feb (after subis the next stage is a course of blockers...pure blockers then im nearly free?) ....he said "possibly....." i said... no, thats the way its going to be....... i think he knows that thats the way its going to be with me?! (i bet he wishes i were someone elses client? i must be a right pain?!) So hopefully im going to make this as short a journey as possible?! and not fuck up?

My ears still hurt?

Slight after thought.... when going out this morning there was nearly some close call with a bus&my ass..... (Kay reversing into the path of an on-coming bus and i were in the back seat so i would have got hit first?) Can you even begin to imagine how pissed off i would be if i did all this&then got hit by a bus?!

SERIOUSLY fucked off!!!!!

Day four.....&im better!!!!

2007-10-18T07:30:00.000-07:00

Well its now Thursday, so its my forth day in, however many hours clean i don't know&am beyond counting now because i feel quite great and past dying?!

I wrote a little yesterday&then went out for a little while and i don't know if it was the fresh air or what but i felt loads better, still a bit uneasy but so so so so much better. I even had some tea?! (pie&chips&gravy) but i were dreading the night-noway could i have gone through another night like the last, so i did something a little bit naughty.... i acquired some more subutex from a friend, so that should i start to feel rough through the night i could tide myself over with them.

We have come to the conclusion, between myself my "carers" the pharmacist and my drug worker that the best idea will be to split my dose into two daily lots of 4mg because 8mg at once was just making me puke and i weren't getting that much into my system. Yesterday i puked more than the other day so i don't know how much i had actually taken? because i had already been given my prescription the clinic couldn't give me any more, hence why i went and acquired some..... so that should i need them to carry me through the night then i at least had the choice?

As it happens i didn't have anything extra yesterday, not even any paracetamol?! Which was defiantly a marked improvement as i seemed to have lived off nothing but tablets and love these last few days? (&god bless robinsons orange squash-much nicer when not regurgitated)

So i slept like a baby last night.... i have found one odd side effect from all this.... my ears are So sore?! its just from being laid down for such a long while, but they kill!! Even now, my right ear is throbbing!

But the good news is i have certainly turned a corner for the better. I cant believe how much better i feel from Monday. Today i feel almost normal, actually i think i feel better than normal, i feel quite energetic, the day has passed at a normal rate, rather than the last three days that have been so incredibly slow. Tortuously slow. Antagonistically slow? is that right? Evilally slow..?
but not today...
this morning I had breakfast (not much it tasted funny-) and i had a shower (all my myself!) I got dressed in real clothes, out my makeup on and put Real shoes on! (heels-not trainers!) Then we went to boots, i had half my tablets crushed&i took them all like a big girl, without being sick?! haha! then we had a walk round the market and the shops, we went to a coffee shop &had coffee&cookies. It was lovely! We had a look at christmas stuff... I cant wait to be christmas shopping!! I bought a couple of things to day, nothing much but just a few bits? It was nice to just have the choice of buying something?

so yes i feel great today, ive just had a sandwich, thats 2meals-ish in a day already, iv been to town, ive been to tescos, im going back into town soon, im going to see my drug worker in a little while and then im going to take my son to his kick-boxing lesson?! (God i hope i haven't forgot how to drive? i drove about 500 yards yesterday and i were shit! HA!)

I am a million times better than i were thats for sure? Even i am amazed at how soon i felt better? I couldn't have done it on my own thats for sure, i seriously thought i was going to die the first night? And i didn't feel good the second day? or the third really? although i was massively better? So whats to say now?

Well first its a huge huge huge huge thank-you to my family and friends who have looked after me. Ive already been pre-booked as first choice for geriatric arse wiper when they all grow old as return of thanks?!

And if any-one is "dabbling" then just think carefully. I was warned and warned and warned, and i did have some control for sometime... don't believe those people who say that you lose all control the second you try it because you don't. You lose control when you find your "want" being replaced with a "need" even then if you see it early doors you can rough it out and stay away, i did that last year, it weren't nice but it was a hell of a lot easier than this way?!Being a full time addict is hard work-its like having a full time job trying to score everyday! &if you can't....its even more awful!! theres nothing to aspire to from it?! The actual feeling from having gear may be nice but its not worth suffering like that for?! I should know?!

I chose this way because i wanted to be off it for good and proper, if i had chosen METH i would have used on top, i know so because i used to buy both? Now, if i used it would have no effect so id be wasting my time and money? And also ive got this experience to remind me never to even try? It was defiantly kill or cure for me with this?!

Now i just gotta get off the medication and then im sorted, my drugs worker reckons about a year till im clean clean clean? i say February? I'll be off my Subis by Feb? Lets see hey?! I'll probably nearly kill myself in the process again, but im not one to be proved wrong?! Ha!

Right im off for now. Ive got real things to do?! How exciting! Thank-you every-one for all your comments, to be honest they didn't really mean much till today when im not so brain dead? I've been waiting for the messages that say - suffer you dumb-ass junkie scum- but so far i've had none which has been fantastic, thank-you.

I've done this, not for sympathy but for almost educational reasons because we are all quick to judge and sometimes we know nothing about what we are judging, so i wanted people to see from the inside exactly how it is, how hard it is and how its got to be the user not the family/friends who is ready to give up? So if you know someone like me, give them all your support, however hard, because its only that thats got me through this?!

day 3 of HELL

2007-10-17T06:43:00.000-07:00

well here i am three days in. did i think i was going to make it? no. absolutely not. On monday i started my tablets. i really thought i was going to die. if anyone is thinking about going on subutex, 4mg is not enough don't let them do it to you. I may as well have had nothing?

I once watched a programme on chanel 4 called cold turkey. It was about 4 junkies who had decided that they had had enough and were going to go cold turkey live on channel 4?! Crazy idiots.....i watched the first day or 2 and couldn't watch any more it were awful. That must have been what i was like? i know i must have been an absolute nightmare to look after? i don't really remember too much of it? I do remember trying to speak but not being able to make anything of any sense come out?

That must have been when Craig asked me if i was going to do more exorsist impressions?
apparently i often tried sitting up, rolling my eyes trying to speak anything and nothing really coming out apart from "please?"

i was lucky to be looked after by an amazing bunch of people, some with a great sense of humor which really helped, no way could i have gone through that on my own.

if i hadnt have had such fantasic support i know full well i would have found someone to inject me, even if i would have had to have crawled round the neighbourhood, i would have found some scumbag who would have done it. I shouldn't really say that because any addict who may have seen me like that would have thought they were helping because only they know of the extent of the pain?

So would i do day one again? NO WAY, it was worse than anything ever, ive given birth and even thats not as bad. people can help you when your in labour, when you do this, the minute you put those first tablets under your tongue its game over, no one can help you then.

And the SMELL! oh my god i smelled so bad! like a tramp rotting away in fish guts..... it were sick......

So that was the joys of day one....day two, was it better? not much? i had to go to boots and collect my tablets.... i puked up so so so so badly. my stomach just turned itself inside out and gave me back everything i had lovingly put in it? how embarrassing in the middle of the shop? luckily i was in a special cubicle thing&the only people who knew were the pharmacist and another addict who was there for his meds.

i just had to have lie down for 45mins, doing that bit of typing left me weak.

so yesterday....i puked in the chemist. nice. as i kept saying to people... dont u wish your girlfriend were hot like me?! Yesterday was all restless and horrible. By late evening i couldn't settle so we went on a mini adventure to tescos. Needless to say i did not go in the actual shop but i lay down in the back while kay drove round and round and round and round..... u get the idea.. the car is soothing.... mixed with the fresh air its good.

i feel a bit brain dead.

so now im 48hrs exactly into subutex and 58 hours clean. i dont feel great yet but i dont feel like a dying swan on deaths door neither? oh i forgot today? i had an awful night last night, went to boots first thing and had my tablets and like a dog at crufts i puked up as expected?
Dog at crufts? my head is wrong still?

Anyway i puked up but the bit i did have has made me feel a whole lot better? im still not right but im ok? its a weird feeling? not wrong but not right? im changing the way i have my tablets from tommorow, im guna av half in the morning and half at night? hopefully that way i wont be sick and i will be able to carry myself through? we will see?

i almost feel hungry? oh thats the other thing, on monday morning i wieghed nine stone one pound.... today, 48 hours later i weigh 8stone 6 pounds... thats 9pound!! oh b back in bit!!!

T'was the night before detox...

2007-10-14T13:35:00.000-07:00

So as I just said...how am I feeling?
Well to be honest its such a mixture of things...
Ive waited for tomorrow for so long. When I first realised I had a problem I wanted it sorting but it took me a while to pluck up the courage to face it. Even when I did face it, I still had an 8/9 week wait during which time I've had various tests, meetings assessments etc all to make sure that I am doing the right thing, going down the right road &I'm ready for what I'm about to face?

For me each appointment & teat has been conformation that I'm ready. I wanted this yesterday - so to speak- so I'm defiantly excited about it. But I'm not naive either i know its going to be hard, both mentally & physically & I am definitely scared!
If I had to choose three words at the moment they would be:

Apprehensive
Determined
Daunted

I'm worried about what to expect in terms of the illness. I've been in the position of "rattling" before & its certainly not pleasant. I'm scarred about feeling ill and being on my own, specially in the night? I'm scared about the part where I have to go take my medication because I have to go into Boots the chemist in town &be supervised while I take it. That to me is embarrassing and will wash me over with the shame of myself & this situation I've created?

My whole daily routine is going to have to change. Its the mental side of the addiction that I'm going to find difficult. Getting up in the morning&doing what? I don't know because I usually start my day off with "that" to keep the illness at bay...so from the second I wake up my days going to change....? I've tried taking to coffee so i have got something to look forward to when I get out of bed in a morning?

I want to do it more than anything&I'm excited that my time is finally here! But I'm nervous about what I'm going to do to fill my time and take my mind off it? I'm whittling now.....! I've got lots of nice things to do, its this week I need to concentrate on&I'm focused on what I want? I'm going to stay up as late as possible tonight so that I will sleep in in the morning, that way I wont have a long morning waiting to see the doctor?

The other thing I've thought about is after this first week: this first week is going to be difficult in so so so so many ways &even if I'm tempted to give in, I can't? Firstly the medication I've chosen to go with is a blocker? that means if i try to use heroin on top it will not have the desired effect? But also if i try mixing the two I am going to make myself extremely ill.... that thought alone is enough to put me off.
I'm going to test my resolve too, because I have some "stuff" that I could have if I wanted? But I'm not going to, like I say the thought is enough to put me off, so I'm going to see if it works&see how determined I am, because I'm saying this now&I'm OK at the moment?
See how I feel in the morning when I get that awful itchy scratchy nasty burning in my bones&it takes all my effort to move?! &I'm going to put myself through hell when I have a bath?!

The joy the joy! I cant wait! All I got to tell myself is that its only for a few days? Once i get over the transition phase I can sort my head out, get my head clean &then I'l get my body clean?
Iv already decided that i want my eyelashes and eyebrows doing... Kayleighs meant to be doing them soon?
Iv booked in at the hair-dressers to have my hair cut? I feel like going for a right change? Obviously i wont be up to it this week, but i wont be waiting long, now Iv decided I want it doing, I want it doing now!!
Watch this space!!

Also I want my nails doing? I might ask Kayleigh if she can do them too?
I want them all nice and polished and filed and painted? i might do them myself tonight as a basic?

Also Iv got Christmas to look forward to, this year I'm going to make sure its the best one ever for Connor, especially as we didn't have one last years&I just took him away &never told anyone where we were going? That was depression. I had an awful time last year for many reasons,but this year I'm going to be celebrating that's for sure!!

Well thats plenty of waffling from me for now. I'm defiantly going to put the back-log of my hand-written diary on here at some point? but for now I need to call it a day? I got a big day ahead of me tomorrow, I need to literally go to bed and wake up as a new person in my head?

I couldn't do this without all the support of everyone around me thats for certain. I know so because I've tried and failed before. I'm not expecting it to be easy-far from it- but i definitely feel more mentally organised and prepared this time. Knowing I've got family and friends to turn to is a massive advantage for me.

The last thing I need is to become the person I was before all this...? Does that make anyone wonder why? Its because that person couldn't cope with how things were? That person wasn't happy with life and with myself? I need to find the person thats in me that has always been there but has needed this experience to learn and grow and to be nurtured out? Somewhere close under the surface is that person, its just a thick shell to break through? The good news is the shell is already cracked open, it just needs to break apart.

So for now its good-night from me now&await with anticipation the new day thats only hours away and whatever it brings (like every new day, except this one is especially chosen for me, its my day and my chance and my time) it will be of such significance to mark as a foundation of my future.

'TILL TOMORROW

XXxxXXxxXX

This is it - the journey has begun!!

2007-10-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

Well like a child waiting for Christmas the eve is upon me before I know it!!
Just to make things clear the situation is this:

I am unfortunately and ashamedly to say, a registered heroin addict. But im an addict with s difference, because I am going to get out of this and i am going to do it the first time and I'm going to document every step of the way to give people an insight into exactly what its like to go through an experience like this.

And by that I mean an insight from all angles... from how i got into it, how far into it, how I got to admitting i had a problem, how I got help from friends, family & professionals and ultimately from a personal angle, mentally & physically.

Its already taken a lot of time & commitment from myself into getting off it & I haven't even come off it yet?! The doctors like to really make sure you are serious about getting clean before you get an appointment to get medication.

I first saw my doctor at the end of August this year and we are now mid-October. Luckily for me its judgment day fro me tomorrow. I have my appointment at 2.15 with the doctor and the plan is that she is going to start me off on opiate based medication (subutex) I have booked three days off work as chances are I'm going to be ill. Hopefully I will be on of these people who transfer over onto the medication with little more than the Flu (-at most) to suffer? I so hope and am praying not to be one of those who react badly..... I know of one girl who was so ill in the transition period that she phoned an ambulance because she kept collapsing with the pain.... I so hope thats not me?

For those who don't know-a little medical info:
All over our the insides of our bodies we have pain receptors. The chemicals in the heroin coat the pain receptors, putting like a lovely big snug warm comfy coat around each & every one of them.... however, these coats do not last for very long & when they start to come away that is when the user starts to go onto withdrawal......
The reason its so painful is because the pain receptors are being exposed to something that they are not used to... (remember Grannie saying to you when you were a kid - Take your coat off you wont feel the benefit when you go back outside?!)
Well Grannie was right!
So now I have to strip my receptors of their coats & let them get accustomed to the slight chill of normality...... to go cold turkey would take between 4days and a week to clear out, I have tried that before & I can't do it so I'm doing it with the help of medication this time. All this will do is take the edge off of the illness set to become me, Im going to be uncomfortable to say the least. To mark it out of ten I would be saying that 0 is good & 10 bad, the illness tomorrow would be about a 5 out of ten I'm expecting....but the medication should then make it a 3 out of ten?

The second day I'm expecting to be 6/7 out of ten, day 3 7/8 out of ten and day 4 5/6 out of ten & day 5 2/3 out of ten, more bare-able hopefully?! Oh joy how great this is going to be?!
Maybe it wont be quite as bad as I'm expecting? But I like to be prepared?!

So what am I going to do to distract myself during this time? Well so far I have got (from friends&my sisters) some lovely water colour paints, pencil crayons & sketch pads, so I can draw & paint whatever comes to mind?

Ive got myself a cross stitch kit of The Snow-Man which will take me hours and hours if I have the concentration ability?

I have a Suduko book donated from Kirsty which has been a great help already! I've go my knitting to do, again if I have the patience & concentration level required? I have several DVDs to watch that I've had a while&never got round to watching, so they might get listened to,through restless sleep-if not watched?

Finally I have a selection of magazines&crosswords &books. I've purposely chosen four books for the occasion- Flowers in the attic (a sad&tragic but riveting page turner!)
Jordan's auto-biography (I've had it ages &its meant to be good so I thought it would be good for some mindless mental stimulation?!)
Forget you had a daughter... (Some womans probably heart-breaking true story of her life- aptly named as this is what i think my dad would do if he knew what I were doing at the moment?)
and finally Filth..... a sick and twisted comic book that is disturbingly warped&demented fiction&art work giving my mind the opportunity to wonder to far away places where reality is simply a distant&fleeting thought...which of course is exactly what I get from being under the influence of a class A drug, that I shall be no more?

So really I think I got all angles covered there?!! The rest I shall take as it comes?
So how am I feeling now?... I'll start a fresh bit for this....

The beginning of the end

2007-10-08T12:09:00.000-07:00

Today i have been to see my counselor. im now one week away from starting on proper medication....
It wasn't that easy to get to where i am today?
First i had to realise i had a problem, which was pretty easy for me?
Then i had to admit i had a problem..
which was easy to do for myself but admitting that i had a problem to other people was a whole lot more difficult.... who do you trust to tell that kinda thing to?
For me it was my boss....
Yep, but hes also my best friend so that helps?
Anyway i told him, he decided to get me clean his way, which basically involved locking me away from the world for a week or so..... Any bright sparks who know someone who is addictted and wants to help them- dont do this?!! Its a crazy idea!! its serious proper illness stuff, not Eastenders stuff!!
Anyhow, after 3days he realised this and i had to give in and go see a professional, my doctor was great and referred me to the local drugs clinic, i got in that day rather than having to wait they 5months that other people have to wait....
so i had an assessment that day and three weeks later i was appointed a drugs counselor whom i now see on a weekly basis.... next monday i will be going to see a proper drugs doctor who is going to prescribed me subutex. This will gradually build up in my system and replace the opiates in my system and also place a blocker in my system so should i decided to ever smoke heroin again it will have no effect on me?

So thats all the technical stuff to my situation at the moment, but what i want to do with this is not really tell you all the bits you could read up on in a book or ask a drug worker about.... i ant to give people an insight into the lengths we addicts go to to be deceitful, just to get what we want? The effort we put into our lies and the double life we create just to get through a day!!
Even the most honest smack heads will be full of lies if they feel there is even a small risk of their daily heroin supply being under threat?!

I have to go for today but i must tell this first...
last night i got caught in the act for the first time!!! I went to put the washing on the upstairs radiators..... with my handbag in tow... (give away number 1!) then i was gone for about 20 mins..... (give away number 2) then i burnt it... frying it on the foil making the most ungodly smell?! (that was pretty much game over?!) but determined to be more clever than my would be capture.....i quickly shoved it in my handbag and began folding the towels that were nearby..... Great i thought!!! until he walked in&said "whats that smell?"
as hard as i tried i couldn't stop the mass of smoke from escaping my mouth as i tried to answer..... so as i stood there with my head in a self formed cloud i decided that now wasn't the time for denial?! so i had to admit to it.... was i happy about it? far from it? but i couldn't lie (this time? otherwise chances are i would have) So armed with the information of my appointment next week i confessed....

now next week is almost only 6 days away and im feeling excited but apprehensive?

thats my lot for now, my arse is numb and my cravings are calling, im ashamed to say but thats how it is. so more tomorrow when i will be one day closer to normality....?

The history of a new beginnig

2007-10-08T11:09:00.000-07:00

right well heres the start......
first of it is that some how kind of by accident i have become a smack head?! but not the dirty - rob your grandma - starve your kid - dole dossing kind......? so thats good then?!
so now i've worked hard and put loads of time and money and effort into getting myself into this mess i thought it would be a good idea to share with people of the "outside world" those "normal people" amongst you, my journey into getting clean and back to "normal" and giving people an insight into exactly how hard it is?

Im sure not many people have sympathy for junkies? i don't - i know that much?! But not all are the same. Yes there are useless losers who deserve to put on an island to rot and die, and unfortunately i happen to know of some, but Im not one of them...... am I?

So the story so far is...
(at a later date im going to put some in depth history on here and some bits from my diary and stuff)
basically, never touched nothing for 24 years... then went out one night everyone was taking pills (ecstasy) i dint have any.... went out again they were doing it again... i said no all night then eventually yes... nothing happened? had a few more, then had an amazing weekend!!
A friend of mine who is still an addict tried telling me about his addiction and the problems of it? i had zero tolerance and understanding of it. As much as he tried he couldn't get through to me and he kept asking me how i could judge people so harshly when i had absolutely no understanding of what they were going through? It wasn't long before he had turned up at mine with a small wrap of the brown stuff, trying to persuade me to just try it once? "so i could see for myself what all the fuss was about?"

I did say no, several times but eventually few weeks later i gave in.....
And what happened? nothing....
Except i puked my guts up!!!
Severely puked my guts up..... sicker than sick sick sick!!!

So why a week or so later did i do it again?!
Because i was told that being sick was a natural reaction and that this time i would be able to feel the effects....
and did I?
Yep!
and was it good?
if you like that sort of thing then yes its alright? as a one off?

so was addicted there and then? no!! its not that easy to get addicted!
From there on in i had bits as and when... always smoking never ever injected, even still now to this day i haven't.

It took about 15months of being in those circles having it on a regular basis before i began to get addicted... it was March 2007 and i had had some at the weekend, then on the Tuesday, then on the Wednesday, then Thursday and then we are back to the weekend and I'm having it again, before i knew it i had had it every day for five long weeks and suddenly i couldn't just not have it?
I knew people who would give me METH to help me through the day but i don't know why i kept having gear?
I wish to god i had stopped then, even though it wouldn't have been easy it would have been so much better than going through what I'm going through now?

So whats the story now?
now im officially an addict, i have to use heroin everyday whether i want to or not, because im physically addicted (and mentally sick of it!)
If i don't have it i get ill, iller than ill...... i go freezing cold, get goosebumps that feel like they are burning my skin with blisters with the intensity of the pain. All my bones get heavy with a dull ache that comes from right within the center of the bones and feels like some-one is chiseling away the insides of your bone and scratching with a tool with similar effect to nails being scraped down a blackboard? That's just the start, that's the feeling of starting to rattle... next comes the sweats and chills the stomach cramps and sickness, all over body pain, irritation, agitation..... imagine the worst flu you ever had and multiply it by ten and then you might know what the onset feels like, before the intensity of it kicks in?
Nice eh? which is why an addict goes through all the effort that they do, on a daily basis, to score-ensuring that they have they what to us is almost precious powder......
the difference between junkies and addicts i believe is this.....
An addict has the gear everyday to prevent the illness.... a junkie has it to get high?

So besides all that.. i am..
a 26 years old female, i work 40hours a week for a memorial company (selling headstones), i have an 8year old son who is top of his class in all subjects, i live in a 2bed roomed rented council house and not only can i drive not i also own a car!!
Which is pretty amazing in the world of smack?!
in relation to that i also have a drugs worker who is like a counsellor for me, whom i see every week to keep me mentally as prepared for what I'm about to do next.... which is get clean?

So now im going to tell you where im at...