When enough is enough & your only friend is failiure

There are times when i feel i've screwed up beyond repair, that there is no 'road to recovery' only the end of the path i stumbeled upon. I think this is what i was destined for, never anything different, certainly never anything better?

There are days when i feel like im swimming against the tide, but its when those days are the only days you know, they wash over and swallow you, the person you once were is lost in the tide. Washed out to sea. & i cant swim?

I dont know what im meant to do to, i know what i want but it will never happen. I feel like my whole life has been a struggle & a fight & i really have had enough. I felt like i had had enough years ago, & as time has gone on i have only been worn down more, beaten a bit harder.

I dont belong anywhere & i have nowhere to run to.

Everything is so hard & i dont know if any of it is worth fighting for?

I think of my life before drugs.... & it was still shit, i still worked hard for nothing. I didnt get anywhere, i didnt have anyhting or do anyhting to be proud of.... Then theres the life of a junkie. No-one expects anything from you, i still had nothing & certainly did nothing to be proud of. The only difference is i didn't have to face it. I could hide behind the barrier that being a junkie created, & all those hours lost in a world of my own, where nothing of any sense pentrates, lost in a place far far away in the back of my own mind.... i liked that place?

I dont know what im meant to do, or how im supposed to go through life? I often wish i could just disappear, i know no-one would notice for a little while at least. Quite often lately i have turned my phone off for days because i feel i cant face the world or anyone in it.... and when i do switch back on a few days later.... nothing.

Not a missed call or a text from anyone? But what do i expect? Im hardly the best person to be around? Then when i do get people texting me, i worry, i think they are all conspiring behind my back, concocting plans to try & catch me out?

Sometimes i just feel so down, like everything is too much? iv lost all interest in anything. Even writing this, my head aches, bursting with all the thoughts running round inside, i want to get them out, to make people understand, but whats the point?

Iv so much racing through my head it hurts, but iv no interest in anything at he moment. Part of me wants to go score, & to smoke my head away into the clouds. Another part of me cant even be bpthered to eat a biscuit to help ease these burning hunger pains which are cramping my stomach, or take some paracetamol for this horrendous toothache i still got.

My skin is tingling, every nerve ending feels almost alive, its not nice, each time i move it feels like my skin is crawling over my bones. I should take my tablets, but i dont want to, i want to hide away, float on that proverbial cloud & just have a tiny bit of time where everything is nothing.
My only friend in life is failiure it seems, so why try to be something im not? I should just accept & lean to live with it?