If its not one thing then its something else??
I have managed to cut right down on what i have been taking and i felt fine......... until this morning?
I dont know what happened, but one minute i was in the bathroom trying to put a magazine on the windowsill, the next i was fitting on the floor?
I had been sat on floor reading a mag while my bath was running, when it had finished i stood up, turned the taps off, put my mag on the windowsill, then i thought to myself 'I'll put this pen with it too'
I reached out to put it down and thats all i remember, i blacked out for a minute or so, fell backwards, hit the wall, hit the door and fell. When i hit the floor i must have thrashed back up because i hit the top of my head on the door handle?
When i came round, i realised i was on the floor and my whole body was shaking, spazemising, my right side more than my left if i remember right?
I must have been sat there for about 10 second before i managed to stop which isnt that long but its long enough when something like that is happening to you?!
I ache all over now from where i banged.. my head my back my leg, my bum!!
One thing, it shocked me so much that i actually made myself eat some breakfast?! Which NEVER happens in my house!
What worries me is that i felt fine beore hand, i wasn't dizzy, light headed, hungry or hot, nothing like that, i was fine, just fine, then all of a sudden i wasnt?
My arse kills?!!
Ive eaten loads today because im worried now that my eating has got something to do with it, i know im a bad eater but i dont think even i realise how bad i am?!
i had hot cornflakes at breakfast, then i just had a bag of crisps, some mini eggs and a chicken burger with mayo. Inside i feel SICK, like i have stuffed my face, thats usually about three days worth of food for me? But when you look at it wrote down its nothing?
I think other people would probably eat that for a snack? That turns my stomach. it makes me feel sick to think of people eating when they don't need to? It repulses me, to think of eating more than two meals a day. Eurgh, it makes me actually GAG. I can feel lard sliming all over my legs and belly and choking my throat... that's how eating makes me feel. Its absolutely DISGUSTING. I know its probably not normal to think like that but i cant help it?! Its just how my mind works and that's what i have to fight against to eat a meal?
God my arse KILLS i bet i got a bruise the size of an orange on my arse!?!
Time to go now, nearly home time and i cant wait to get back today?
xx
Friday, 28 March 2008
Tuesday, 25 March 2008
Lost days
Ive lost a day somewhere?
I wrote a post the other day and i swear it published.... but its not there? Maybe i were meant to forget that day?
It were nothing too fantastic, probably more moaning?
I feel a bit strange today... iv had my first 24 well probably about 27 hours clean.... clean clean clean.....
Im on a bit of a bet thing with Craig to cut my tablets down, and in return he will cut his shopping..... So i decided that we would both half our 'addictions' though i try to explain to him that mine will make me physically ill to just stop, he cant understand that, reckons its all in my head, to which i said to him.... why are you eating breakfast?
'because im hungry' he said
'dont be stupid it is alllll in your head' i told him...
he didn't find it as funny as i did? He cant see the difference?
Also doesn't understand that he can just stop shopping and the only void will be in his head, not his life!!?!
I understand his ignorance because i accept my addiction!
So we decided to cut down... i had nothing since 9am yesterday morning, if not before?
I feel a bit anxious now and it is driving me mad, its all i can think about? Im cold today and i have to argue with my mind that the reason i am cold is because the temperature is low, not because i need tablets!!
Even so, il feel better when Ive had one!
Its kinda like a game now, im constant clock watching, adding the minutes to me 'clean' record but knowing im going to break it soon.... but breaking it isn't a bad thing... im holding out against the immense irritation and agitation i feel when i need medication, the chills and shudders come creeping over me reminding me my body is still addicted,
Having a tablet is my reward, i will feel better when i have had one i Will be able to relax for another 24 hours and i know now that i can do it, and longer and still feel ok?!
Okay so i went til 3pm today.... that's 31 hours!!
I got abit anxious but i did it and i know i can do it and i feel more optimistic about the days ahead, i feel i have turned a corner, defiantly...
YIPPEE!!!!!
I wrote a post the other day and i swear it published.... but its not there? Maybe i were meant to forget that day?
It were nothing too fantastic, probably more moaning?
I feel a bit strange today... iv had my first 24 well probably about 27 hours clean.... clean clean clean.....
Im on a bit of a bet thing with Craig to cut my tablets down, and in return he will cut his shopping..... So i decided that we would both half our 'addictions' though i try to explain to him that mine will make me physically ill to just stop, he cant understand that, reckons its all in my head, to which i said to him.... why are you eating breakfast?
'because im hungry' he said
'dont be stupid it is alllll in your head' i told him...
he didn't find it as funny as i did? He cant see the difference?
Also doesn't understand that he can just stop shopping and the only void will be in his head, not his life!!?!
I understand his ignorance because i accept my addiction!
So we decided to cut down... i had nothing since 9am yesterday morning, if not before?
I feel a bit anxious now and it is driving me mad, its all i can think about? Im cold today and i have to argue with my mind that the reason i am cold is because the temperature is low, not because i need tablets!!
Even so, il feel better when Ive had one!
Its kinda like a game now, im constant clock watching, adding the minutes to me 'clean' record but knowing im going to break it soon.... but breaking it isn't a bad thing... im holding out against the immense irritation and agitation i feel when i need medication, the chills and shudders come creeping over me reminding me my body is still addicted,
Having a tablet is my reward, i will feel better when i have had one i Will be able to relax for another 24 hours and i know now that i can do it, and longer and still feel ok?!
Okay so i went til 3pm today.... that's 31 hours!!
I got abit anxious but i did it and i know i can do it and i feel more optimistic about the days ahead, i feel i have turned a corner, defiantly...
YIPPEE!!!!!
Monday, 17 March 2008
One year of hell... the day i became a smackhead
Well today is the day that i actually became a proper smackhead, well not today, i mean one year ago today? Not many people can probably name the actual day they became addicted to something, but i know....
The reason i know is because of the chain of events that led upto it,
Friday was payday so i had half a bag with Emma, Saturday we went out and i had half a bag, the sunday i had the other half of saturdays bag...
Monday was Emmas boyfriend Jamies payday, so i had to take her over Matlock, she had a bag and J gave me one for taking her, Tuesday was her payday so we had another, Wednesday was her birthday so we had one in the evening and one when we came in from clubbing, Thursday i had the remainder of the night before's, then we were back to another Friday and another payday.
Saturday we were out on the lash so i had to have one... it helped cure the hangover... The Sunday i had 'friends' round for the afternoon & one of them was/is a dealer so had loads of gear on him so i smoked about three bags, the most i had ever had in any one time... & thats when i saw a problem coming because i knew i had been 'over-indulgent' all week and would be feeling too rough to go to work the next morning, so i made sure i bought a bag and had it there for the morning so i could get up & go to work...
I felt bad doing that, i felt even worse in the morning when i was sat in bed at 7am 'chasing the dragon' but i had no choice.
I didn't want to phone in sick or be off work, i had no Meth & i could not have gone to work rattling, apart from raising suspicion i would have probably have ended up being sent home, so i would have been back to square one?
So i had to just have a bit to put me on so i could function well enough to go to work
And thats how it all started
Thats when i went from recreational to addict
The point where heroin took control of me & told me when i needed, not wanted it.... needed it.
My life ruined.
Like a train going off the tracks, only i knew it, i could see it happening, i could see exactly where i was heading, but i didn't stop myself?
Even now i think back & i dont know why?
I recognised the problem but i let it draw me in deeper and deeper, until i could no longer just turn around.
I set myself on a very rocky path, at that point, exactly a year ago today i could have took control of myself, my senses and said No- this is enough, i want better, i could have stopped it then. I SHOULD have stopped then?
But WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY did i carry on?
I think that all my life i have been destined to have this experience, its something i cant explain, something i dont understand, but it has always been a shadow lurking over my head from a ridiculously young age and because of that that is the only reason i can think in my own mind as to why i didn't turn & run when i should have?
I look back at my diaries that i wrote at the time and i know i was so unhappy with everything- like i am these days i think? The things that haunt me haven't changed, they have been there for many many years whether i have been clean/happy/sad or a junkie.... I know i felt completely isolated from my friends & from my family, i found that so hard to deal with?
With heroin i was able to forget the world, spend my hours mentally suspended floating in mid-air, thinking nothing, feeling nothing. My mind would drift away to places of no-where....
And not just that, but the whole phoning up to score, meeting some-one and then taking it home and smoking it with some-one... it kind of made me feel wanted... someone wanted to meet me, to spend time with me, to come round my house, to see me, chat with me....
Only instead of drinking tea & eating biscuits we would be smoking that shit.... but it didn't matter because it meant that for that short space of time i had a friend, someone to talk to, to have a moan to, to.... anything, because if i weren't doing that i would have had nothing. I would have been sat at home, alone, getting more and more depressed by the minute?
I was already pretty down, without sat wallowing on my own for hours on end every evening?
I dont know why i felt so isolated? I just did, sometimes still do?
I feel like im the burden of the family, the one who got it all wrong and will never get it right?
Im the one my sisters are meant to look up to, and what example and i setting? It was bad enough a year ago, but now i got this title under my belt to pull me down even more? One things for sure, im nothing to be proud of?
Thats what i think to myself. Ive let myself down and my family down, big time.
Right from the start i messed up. I should have got myself a proper job from college, a career to focus on, something to help me make my mark for the future, but i didn't i got pregnant and 11weeks after giving birth i was on my own.
A single parent 2 weeks before my 19th birthday. That's nothing to be proud of.
And its held me back from that very day.
Ive got no-where in life and i don't think i ever will. I got so much i want to do,would like to do, things i would like to achieve and i have to stop myself from thinking because i know they will never happen, I'm just letting myself down by letting myself dream.
My son is 9years old this year and i have never even managed to take him on a holiday?
My car failed its MOT and i have to get rid of it, that was four weeks ago and i still haven't got a new one sorted yet, I'm nearly thirty years old and i cant seem to manage myself?
I bury my head in the sand from a lot of my problems and they just keep coming back.
I get so depressed about things and i don't know why because i ant change them? I think awful awful things sometimes? I wonder if anyone would even notice if i weren't here? They would eventually, but i bet i could disappear for a good few days, maybe even weeks before anyone noticed?
I feel such a failure, i have let myself down so badly, and my poor son, what kind of future has he got with me in charge? None, because whatever i do i seem to mess up, i cant control things on a day to day basis so how can i do right for his whole life?
I don't know how to go right, to out right? I dont think i can?
Theres to many things that haunt my mind and pull me down, too many things that taunt my mind repeatedly. I might be ok for a day or two but then im get this feeling of uselessness again, well its more a reality check i suppose. I spend a few days dreaming, thinking i can make thing alright but then reality hits me and i realise I'm fooling myself?
And now on top of all this i got peoples judgements of me being a smack head. Labelled scum, treated like I'm untrustworthy, a thief, dirty and below people. Who are they to judge me?
But they do
And it hurts
Its hard to face people knowing what they think, knowing what they say behind my back?
And i have to pretend to not know, and to smile and to be pleasant towards them?
I think to myself, il show them...
But how can i ?
By not going back on drugs? So what, they don't care if i do or if i don't? So whats to show?
What is happy?
How do you get happy? How do you feel you are doing right? I think back 10years and i cant think of one moment, not one, where i an say i have been happy with my life? Where i have made life work for me?
I don't get it
I don't understand it?
I don't see the point?
I don't know what I'm meant to do?
I don't know why i find everything so hard?
I'm tired of things as they are, and when they change... nothing changes?
I wish i knew what i was meant to do, where I'm meant to go? Would i have been any happier if i had turned my life down a different path 366 days ago?
I don't think so?
I think it just gave me a year 'off' a year to runaway and hide from things?
But now I'm still stood facing them? So I'm no better off?
In fact now things are harder because Ive got this behind my name now?
Proud is not a a word i can associate with myself.
Ashamed & disappointed. They are words i can relate to?
The one word i want to understand is
WHY?
The reason i know is because of the chain of events that led upto it,
Friday was payday so i had half a bag with Emma, Saturday we went out and i had half a bag, the sunday i had the other half of saturdays bag...
Monday was Emmas boyfriend Jamies payday, so i had to take her over Matlock, she had a bag and J gave me one for taking her, Tuesday was her payday so we had another, Wednesday was her birthday so we had one in the evening and one when we came in from clubbing, Thursday i had the remainder of the night before's, then we were back to another Friday and another payday.
Saturday we were out on the lash so i had to have one... it helped cure the hangover... The Sunday i had 'friends' round for the afternoon & one of them was/is a dealer so had loads of gear on him so i smoked about three bags, the most i had ever had in any one time... & thats when i saw a problem coming because i knew i had been 'over-indulgent' all week and would be feeling too rough to go to work the next morning, so i made sure i bought a bag and had it there for the morning so i could get up & go to work...
I felt bad doing that, i felt even worse in the morning when i was sat in bed at 7am 'chasing the dragon' but i had no choice.
I didn't want to phone in sick or be off work, i had no Meth & i could not have gone to work rattling, apart from raising suspicion i would have probably have ended up being sent home, so i would have been back to square one?
So i had to just have a bit to put me on so i could function well enough to go to work
And thats how it all started
Thats when i went from recreational to addict
The point where heroin took control of me & told me when i needed, not wanted it.... needed it.
My life ruined.
Like a train going off the tracks, only i knew it, i could see it happening, i could see exactly where i was heading, but i didn't stop myself?
Even now i think back & i dont know why?
I recognised the problem but i let it draw me in deeper and deeper, until i could no longer just turn around.
I set myself on a very rocky path, at that point, exactly a year ago today i could have took control of myself, my senses and said No- this is enough, i want better, i could have stopped it then. I SHOULD have stopped then?
But WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY did i carry on?
I think that all my life i have been destined to have this experience, its something i cant explain, something i dont understand, but it has always been a shadow lurking over my head from a ridiculously young age and because of that that is the only reason i can think in my own mind as to why i didn't turn & run when i should have?
I look back at my diaries that i wrote at the time and i know i was so unhappy with everything- like i am these days i think? The things that haunt me haven't changed, they have been there for many many years whether i have been clean/happy/sad or a junkie.... I know i felt completely isolated from my friends & from my family, i found that so hard to deal with?
With heroin i was able to forget the world, spend my hours mentally suspended floating in mid-air, thinking nothing, feeling nothing. My mind would drift away to places of no-where....
And not just that, but the whole phoning up to score, meeting some-one and then taking it home and smoking it with some-one... it kind of made me feel wanted... someone wanted to meet me, to spend time with me, to come round my house, to see me, chat with me....
Only instead of drinking tea & eating biscuits we would be smoking that shit.... but it didn't matter because it meant that for that short space of time i had a friend, someone to talk to, to have a moan to, to.... anything, because if i weren't doing that i would have had nothing. I would have been sat at home, alone, getting more and more depressed by the minute?
I was already pretty down, without sat wallowing on my own for hours on end every evening?
I dont know why i felt so isolated? I just did, sometimes still do?
I feel like im the burden of the family, the one who got it all wrong and will never get it right?
Im the one my sisters are meant to look up to, and what example and i setting? It was bad enough a year ago, but now i got this title under my belt to pull me down even more? One things for sure, im nothing to be proud of?
Thats what i think to myself. Ive let myself down and my family down, big time.
Right from the start i messed up. I should have got myself a proper job from college, a career to focus on, something to help me make my mark for the future, but i didn't i got pregnant and 11weeks after giving birth i was on my own.
A single parent 2 weeks before my 19th birthday. That's nothing to be proud of.
And its held me back from that very day.
Ive got no-where in life and i don't think i ever will. I got so much i want to do,would like to do, things i would like to achieve and i have to stop myself from thinking because i know they will never happen, I'm just letting myself down by letting myself dream.
My son is 9years old this year and i have never even managed to take him on a holiday?
My car failed its MOT and i have to get rid of it, that was four weeks ago and i still haven't got a new one sorted yet, I'm nearly thirty years old and i cant seem to manage myself?
I bury my head in the sand from a lot of my problems and they just keep coming back.
I get so depressed about things and i don't know why because i ant change them? I think awful awful things sometimes? I wonder if anyone would even notice if i weren't here? They would eventually, but i bet i could disappear for a good few days, maybe even weeks before anyone noticed?
I feel such a failure, i have let myself down so badly, and my poor son, what kind of future has he got with me in charge? None, because whatever i do i seem to mess up, i cant control things on a day to day basis so how can i do right for his whole life?
I don't know how to go right, to out right? I dont think i can?
Theres to many things that haunt my mind and pull me down, too many things that taunt my mind repeatedly. I might be ok for a day or two but then im get this feeling of uselessness again, well its more a reality check i suppose. I spend a few days dreaming, thinking i can make thing alright but then reality hits me and i realise I'm fooling myself?
And now on top of all this i got peoples judgements of me being a smack head. Labelled scum, treated like I'm untrustworthy, a thief, dirty and below people. Who are they to judge me?
But they do
And it hurts
Its hard to face people knowing what they think, knowing what they say behind my back?
And i have to pretend to not know, and to smile and to be pleasant towards them?
I think to myself, il show them...
But how can i ?
By not going back on drugs? So what, they don't care if i do or if i don't? So whats to show?
What is happy?
How do you get happy? How do you feel you are doing right? I think back 10years and i cant think of one moment, not one, where i an say i have been happy with my life? Where i have made life work for me?
I don't get it
I don't understand it?
I don't see the point?
I don't know what I'm meant to do?
I don't know why i find everything so hard?
I'm tired of things as they are, and when they change... nothing changes?
I wish i knew what i was meant to do, where I'm meant to go? Would i have been any happier if i had turned my life down a different path 366 days ago?
I don't think so?
I think it just gave me a year 'off' a year to runaway and hide from things?
But now I'm still stood facing them? So I'm no better off?
In fact now things are harder because Ive got this behind my name now?
Proud is not a a word i can associate with myself.
Ashamed & disappointed. They are words i can relate to?
The one word i want to understand is
WHY?
Wednesday, 5 March 2008
NASTY NASTY EVIL PEOPLE
Im so annoyed with a fair few people today...and for the past few days...
Some will say its all my own fault and in a round about way im sure it is....? but in the case then im sure that you could also blame me for Rod Hull's death...
He died falling off the roof fixing his TV aireal and im sure if you wanted to point the blame at me you could say that had i had the guts to face the man who traumatised my childhood (i had and still have a horrific fear of grotbags-evil green woman) You see, i could have sought him out, gone round his house and had a chat with him and emu... and had i gone on that day maybe he wouldn't have been up the roof fixing his Airiel, he would have been chatting with me and i would have saved him?!!
Yes its a abit far out but thats my point for saying that you cant say that i am to blame for what im about to moan about.....
Fucking Andy....
What a nasty nasty nasty Evil BASTARD....
(who is 17) now apparently he was out round town at the weekend, and he bumped into my younger sister AbiAbi knows nothing of what i have gone through, she needs to know nothing, she is seventeen, young for her age and she looks up to me...
Well she did...
Katie (my sister) told me yesterday that Abi has been sat home crying for the last two/three however many days and when she asked her why Abi told her she had seen Andy in town on Saturday night and they had got talking about me....
I dont know much more except that it ended with Andy saying....
"God Abi are you stupid? Why do you think Liane lost all that weight? .....its cuz shes a heroin addict..."
FUCKING MORON, BALL SUCKING PRICK.
What EVIL bastard says something like that?
What gives him the right to say something like that to ANYONE let alone my kid sister?
FUCKING TOSSER
Im so ANGRY ... its a good job i haven't got a car at the moment because i would have left work and gone straight round his and i would have probably 'flipped the script' so to speak... paint stripper-ed the car, slashed his tyres, put his windows through... something criminal im sure - i was / am so angry with him
Dave told me that i shouldn't do anything bad as that means he as won.... but if doing any of that means he won then im happy for him to win that way? Let him win, I'll get him a nice big t.shirt with NO1 on it and he can wear that too?
What with him and the cantankerous old bitch at work that is giving me shit im beginning to wonder why i bother?
I put myself through hell and no-one treats you any better for it.
Ive got that wanker telling my family i AM a heroin addict.... well thats his problem, he always lives in the past, he wants to get his cock out of his arse and get up to date, that was months ago... im not anymore, im a subby addict now..
Then i got that miserable two face spiteful sour-face trout at work causing me shit.
Well i did wonder why i bother... its so hard on a daily basis, its a constant battle and no-one appreciates how hard it is so i wonder why bother, just go back to the junkie i was and give every fucker something to moan about?
You know what- id rather be a smackhead than a cantankerous miserable EVIL two-faced cunt, stuck in a loveless life without the bollocks to face the world and change things? Cus thats what those pair are....
Luckily for me im neither now.... and never will be?
Though reading this it does seem that pleasant-ness is not my strong point?
Well i just dont care any more?
How long do i have to prove myself and KEEP proving myself?
Its about time credit was given where credit is due?
All those who are holding the past over my head can do so with an argument from me, im ready to move on with my life so every body else shoud be?
xx
Some will say its all my own fault and in a round about way im sure it is....? but in the case then im sure that you could also blame me for Rod Hull's death...
He died falling off the roof fixing his TV aireal and im sure if you wanted to point the blame at me you could say that had i had the guts to face the man who traumatised my childhood (i had and still have a horrific fear of grotbags-evil green woman) You see, i could have sought him out, gone round his house and had a chat with him and emu... and had i gone on that day maybe he wouldn't have been up the roof fixing his Airiel, he would have been chatting with me and i would have saved him?!!
Yes its a abit far out but thats my point for saying that you cant say that i am to blame for what im about to moan about.....
Fucking Andy....
What a nasty nasty nasty Evil BASTARD....
(who is 17) now apparently he was out round town at the weekend, and he bumped into my younger sister AbiAbi knows nothing of what i have gone through, she needs to know nothing, she is seventeen, young for her age and she looks up to me...
Well she did...
Katie (my sister) told me yesterday that Abi has been sat home crying for the last two/three however many days and when she asked her why Abi told her she had seen Andy in town on Saturday night and they had got talking about me....
I dont know much more except that it ended with Andy saying....
"God Abi are you stupid? Why do you think Liane lost all that weight? .....its cuz shes a heroin addict..."
FUCKING MORON, BALL SUCKING PRICK.
What EVIL bastard says something like that?
What gives him the right to say something like that to ANYONE let alone my kid sister?
FUCKING TOSSER
Im so ANGRY ... its a good job i haven't got a car at the moment because i would have left work and gone straight round his and i would have probably 'flipped the script' so to speak... paint stripper-ed the car, slashed his tyres, put his windows through... something criminal im sure - i was / am so angry with him
Dave told me that i shouldn't do anything bad as that means he as won.... but if doing any of that means he won then im happy for him to win that way? Let him win, I'll get him a nice big t.shirt with NO1 on it and he can wear that too?
What with him and the cantankerous old bitch at work that is giving me shit im beginning to wonder why i bother?
I put myself through hell and no-one treats you any better for it.
Ive got that wanker telling my family i AM a heroin addict.... well thats his problem, he always lives in the past, he wants to get his cock out of his arse and get up to date, that was months ago... im not anymore, im a subby addict now..
Then i got that miserable two face spiteful sour-face trout at work causing me shit.
Well i did wonder why i bother... its so hard on a daily basis, its a constant battle and no-one appreciates how hard it is so i wonder why bother, just go back to the junkie i was and give every fucker something to moan about?
You know what- id rather be a smackhead than a cantankerous miserable EVIL two-faced cunt, stuck in a loveless life without the bollocks to face the world and change things? Cus thats what those pair are....
Luckily for me im neither now.... and never will be?
Though reading this it does seem that pleasant-ness is not my strong point?
Well i just dont care any more?
How long do i have to prove myself and KEEP proving myself?
Its about time credit was given where credit is due?
All those who are holding the past over my head can do so with an argument from me, im ready to move on with my life so every body else shoud be?
xx
Monday, 3 March 2008
I've been away... but now I'm back...?
Well i've been hiding away for ages.... and for all sorts of reasons...
I think mainly although i have been really busy I've also been scared to come back? I haven't dare read anything of what i've past wrote yet?
And i have been keeping a diary at home... my black diary that i always write in, usually when life seems too much and im left wondering whats the point? I write it all in there, and then hide it away rarely to look at it again?
I'm having all kinds of issuse at the moment, facing the reality of what i was? The sypathy has gone and now its jut the consequences?
Sometimes, more often than not i wonder if im strong enough to cope with it?
At times i doubt myself?
very much doubt myself? More so than i believe in myself anyway?
Life is so 'up & down' and so out of my control that i feel like a deer caught in the head lights...
Im finally facing the future i wanted so bad, & im almost scared to step into it?
Theres a certain kind of security in being a drug addict. No-one expects anything from you, you are used to being a disappointment, theres no pressure, you can just hide away from everything.
Now i get to points where sometimes i dont want to deal with things? I dont want to cope? I dont like what happens and i just want to run and escape? the last thing i want to do is face it all? And i think then... why cant i go back to it? I get tired of life, i know everyone gets fed up, but ive had things so hard for so so so long i just dont want it anymore?
Thats when i think... why? why am i doing this?
Things are so much harder now at times... im trying so hard to put things behind me but no-ine else is moving on?
I got to go now, but tomorrow im going to put in words what torments my mind?
xx
I think mainly although i have been really busy I've also been scared to come back? I haven't dare read anything of what i've past wrote yet?
And i have been keeping a diary at home... my black diary that i always write in, usually when life seems too much and im left wondering whats the point? I write it all in there, and then hide it away rarely to look at it again?
I'm having all kinds of issuse at the moment, facing the reality of what i was? The sypathy has gone and now its jut the consequences?
Sometimes, more often than not i wonder if im strong enough to cope with it?
At times i doubt myself?
very much doubt myself? More so than i believe in myself anyway?
Life is so 'up & down' and so out of my control that i feel like a deer caught in the head lights...
Im finally facing the future i wanted so bad, & im almost scared to step into it?
Theres a certain kind of security in being a drug addict. No-one expects anything from you, you are used to being a disappointment, theres no pressure, you can just hide away from everything.
Now i get to points where sometimes i dont want to deal with things? I dont want to cope? I dont like what happens and i just want to run and escape? the last thing i want to do is face it all? And i think then... why cant i go back to it? I get tired of life, i know everyone gets fed up, but ive had things so hard for so so so long i just dont want it anymore?
Thats when i think... why? why am i doing this?
Things are so much harder now at times... im trying so hard to put things behind me but no-ine else is moving on?
I got to go now, but tomorrow im going to put in words what torments my mind?
xx
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