Hard Times ahead?

I've had a little while away from this for a couple of reasons. I'm finding things hard to deal with and I've discovered that ignorance is the best way to deal with things? Apart from the fact that my life is pretty boring, the few things I do have going on I don't want to have to deal with or talk about? I don't feel right in myself at the moment and I don't know how to put it right or if it could even be put right? I kind of feel that I am fighting a consistent losing battle with life and I've pretty much given up trying now?

I don't know why I should feel like this though? It makes no sense to me, but at the same time I'm beginning to get used to it? It's not like me to feel like this and I don't like it?
I don't know if its because I'm spending a lot of time thinking about the last year & it was at this point last year that i stepped fully onto the path of self destruction? With both feet & one giant leap I screwed my life up good and proper?

In my bid to stay clean last year I managed a whole ten days, and it wasn't even particularly difficult? So why did I go back?
Bordem mainly? The excitement of doing something I shouldn't be doing and most foolishly because I thought that I was the one in control? What an idiot was I? I can still remember the day now, clear as anything, I was at work and it was a Thursday, Connor was meant to be at his swimming lesson at 6.30 and I got a phone call at 4.30 from my "friend" He wanted to know if I had money so we could get some B's and a point four? Firstly I said no, because I was being good, but then I thought to myself "why not?" nobody would know but me and it would just be a one off as a treat for doing so well and celebrating ten days clean?! (that genuinely made sense to me at the time!?)

As soon as I left work at 5pm we went straight to a local pub car park to meet one man and his dog.... then headed straight back to mine. Getting back we were both full of excitement, it was fun and it was probably the only time I thought that I felt genuinely happy?

As we flashed the foil and put the first bit of white on my mind raced with doubts.... but as soon as I had inhaled that first breath of white smoke any worries and doubts were instantaneously blown away. The rush takes your breath away and its the best feeling, within minutes we were both nicely high, the kind where-by you feel nothing but love for everybody and everything, I think this is why I had a problem associating bad things with such times?

All too quickly the white was gone and we were running the brown across the foil. I had a drink of blackcurrant pop to hand and before I could inhale the first full line I had rushed to the sink to throw up? The kind of liquid lumpy brown sick that stings your throat? It didn't deter me one bit, in fact I laughed as I puked, thinking.... what? I don't know? As I stood in the kitchen, spewing with ease and laughing at myself, my friend sat in the living room, laughing with me, laughing at me?


I think back now and I don't know why I would even fin d that funny? Obviously my body was trying to reject what I was forcing in it? I was only sick a couple of times and then I managed to keep it down? It didn't take much that particular time for me to get hammered. Seriously off my head, I couldn't even manage to finish smoking all the lines..... I was quite happy, sat there, floating away on my cloud, not having a clue where I was or what I was meant to be doing? And I am actually ashamed to admit that that day my son did not go to his swimming lesson for no other reason than his mum was too high on smack to be able to take him?

That day still haunts me now, and from there things only got so much worse. That year I had done many a crazy things, all with the goal of getting high, but that's the point that marked a step closer to loss of control.

I have done plenty of things, which at the time i thought were fun, but now I see every time as another mark of decline? There was the week in February, where Paul had decided that he had to get clean, so we bought 100 ecstasy tablets and went to a caravan in skeg for the week. Driving over there, whilst pilled up, was a surreal experience, it was like driving in a computer game, nothing seemed real, it was like gliding on ice, the journey was just so... beautiful, as it is when you loose your head? And we stayed there for four/five days eating pill after pill after pill, never coming down so the withdrawal as over shadowed but the high of another drug.

After 4/5 days and being technically clean, we drove back home at the speed of light to but half a tee of gear, to help bring us down.... mission failed?

During that week I had left my son with my poor mother who looked after him, decidedly more than I did? I think I told her I was on a training course in Derby for my new job, and rather than drive there and back everyday and pay for parking i would stay at a friends house? She believed me, she had no reason not to, but now I think how lucky I am that nothing happened to me, because no-one would have known where I really was or what I was doing?

Even that event, its just one example of hundreds of the kind of lengths I would think nothing of going to, just to get high? I really didn't think I was sucked in then either?

As I am now, each day is still a struggle? The tablets do work really well, in that they seen to kill any cravings i may have? Its not the drug itself it want, its the feelings i associate with it? The security of close friendships, of course that's not the truth but that is how it feels at that time? Its the excitement, the forbidden fun? Life seems so boring when its normal and there's always one easy and quick answer for an instant pick me up, but its not the answer?

Its so hard, having to cope with things in the real world, at least as a dependant drug user, you almost have a security blanket, because people don't actually expect anything from you and you get so much praise from such small things? I suppose its my inner child craving the attention that I never got from a battered childhood, and its easier for me to hide behind that weakness than to face things as a grown up? Maybe I have a need to feel looked after?

This last week, I have done something that i never thought I would have the courage to do? I have for once, been open and honest with someone about my feelings... it was like getting blood from a stone and what should have been a five minute conversation did end up being 4hours and I was actually sick at the end of it and ended up in bed with a splitting headache from the stress.....

But I did it, I managed to say what I felt, even if i did have to dig deep within myself to admit my feelings and then go against everything I feel comfortable&secure with by sharing them? The outcome was good though and what I could only have dreamed of? I'm not quite 100% there, I had to hold back something, its a matter of trust, but I put a big fat 95% worth in and it worked out good, so I'm pleased and I do see that as a positive step forward. Also a huge step forward, and the first of many.

Its also had a positive effect of my outlook. Where as most days I feel down and depressed and I have to argue and reason with myself as to why I shouldn't turn to drugs, I now feel like I'm not all that interested at the moment? I don't have to think about it, theres no desire at the moment? Am I having a good few days or have I turned a corner? Who knows only time will tell?

One thing is for sure, this is the hardest thing I have ever ever done and I really feel that I am taking an emotional battering right now. I constantly pour over old memories, analyse past events and try to explain everything I've ever done? I were not prepared for this side of it? Is it normal? Is this what everyone goes through? Or am I being hard on myself? I still resent the fact that i am physically dependant on a drug just to be able to function?

I have a lot more analysing of the past to do yet before I can move on? Is that where the answers are? I don't know? Are there any answers? I feel I've always been destined for this path? But I also feel that I am destined for bigger and better things in the future?

I hope so?

I've had enough of this bit and it may be wishing my life away, but still, I can't wait for this bit to be over, and for it to be another memory/event to analyse? Or to look back on and see what I've learnt? As hard as it is, I will accept this stage of my life as a character building phase?