day 3 of HELL

well here i am three days in. did i think i was going to make it? no. absolutely not. On monday i started my tablets. i really thought i was going to die. if anyone is thinking about going on subutex, 4mg is not enough don't let them do it to you. I may as well have had nothing?

I once watched a programme on chanel 4 called cold turkey. It was about 4 junkies who had decided that they had had enough and were going to go cold turkey live on channel 4?! Crazy idiots.....i watched the first day or 2 and couldn't watch any more it were awful. That must have been what i was like? i know i must have been an absolute nightmare to look after? i don't really remember too much of it? I do remember trying to speak but not being able to make anything of any sense come out?

That must have been when Craig asked me if i was going to do more exorsist impressions?
apparently i often tried sitting up, rolling my eyes trying to speak anything and nothing really coming out apart from "please?"

i was lucky to be looked after by an amazing bunch of people, some with a great sense of humor which really helped, no way could i have gone through that on my own.

if i hadnt have had such fantasic support i know full well i would have found someone to inject me, even if i would have had to have crawled round the neighbourhood, i would have found some scumbag who would have done it. I shouldn't really say that because any addict who may have seen me like that would have thought they were helping because only they know of the extent of the pain?

So would i do day one again? NO WAY, it was worse than anything ever, ive given birth and even thats not as bad. people can help you when your in labour, when you do this, the minute you put those first tablets under your tongue its game over, no one can help you then.

And the SMELL! oh my god i smelled so bad! like a tramp rotting away in fish guts..... it were sick......

So that was the joys of day one....day two, was it better? not much? i had to go to boots and collect my tablets.... i puked up so so so so badly. my stomach just turned itself inside out and gave me back everything i had lovingly put in it? how embarrassing in the middle of the shop? luckily i was in a special cubicle thing&the only people who knew were the pharmacist and another addict who was there for his meds.

i just had to have lie down for 45mins, doing that bit of typing left me weak.

so yesterday....i puked in the chemist. nice. as i kept saying to people... dont u wish your girlfriend were hot like me?! Yesterday was all restless and horrible. By late evening i couldn't settle so we went on a mini adventure to tescos. Needless to say i did not go in the actual shop but i lay down in the back while kay drove round and round and round and round..... u get the idea.. the car is soothing.... mixed with the fresh air its good.

i feel a bit brain dead.

so now im 48hrs exactly into subutex and 58 hours clean. i dont feel great yet but i dont feel like a dying swan on deaths door neither? oh i forgot today? i had an awful night last night, went to boots first thing and had my tablets and like a dog at crufts i puked up as expected?
Dog at crufts? my head is wrong still?

Anyway i puked up but the bit i did have has made me feel a whole lot better? im still not right but im ok? its a weird feeling? not wrong but not right? im changing the way i have my tablets from tommorow, im guna av half in the morning and half at night? hopefully that way i wont be sick and i will be able to carry myself through? we will see?

i almost feel hungry? oh thats the other thing, on monday morning i wieghed nine stone one pound.... today, 48 hours later i weigh 8stone 6 pounds... thats 9pound!! oh b back in bit!!!